Longing for her when I know she's going to damage me further

[magic78]

How do you stop feeling like this & letting the longing rule your behaviour?

I logically know that I need to go NC but I am constantly fighting against my heart. All I do is spend my waking hours thinking about what if. Remembering the good times, longing for them to return, imagining good times in the future.

It feels so painful. Take away the abuse, breakups & manipulative behaviour she was so perfect! It isn't fair!

The only way I can stop the thoughts of what if & imagining the good times that could be had in the future is by remembering the bad times & finding out in the last few days that she is able to cheat & lie behind her current boyfriends back.

I want her so bad but I don't at the same time.

What I cant understand is that I constantly had a gut feeling that something was wrong. Even when I would pick her up in my car I would feel uncomfortable. Sometimes I couldn't wait until she had gone. Sometimes I was happy when she couldn't see me. But I enjoyed having her there if I needed to talk, I did enjoy her company sometimes. But my instinct & gut feeling was telling me something was so wrong. It wasn't even a proper relationship. We only saw each other once per week & watched a movie, had sex then she would leave. Sometimes it was 3 weeks before we saw each other.

I am just so confused at the moment.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey magic78, A BPD r/s is akin to an addiction in the sense that we know it's bad for us yet still want to participate in it.  Let's look at what you wrote:

Take away the abuse, breakups & manipulative behaviour she was so perfect!

Abuse, breakups and manipulations don't make for a "perfect" relationship, my friend.  You can't take away those aspects of BPD, which are all part of the disorder.  On some level, it seems like you knew this r/s was not right for you:

I did enjoy her company sometimes. But my instinct & gut feeling was telling me something was so wrong.

Suggest you make your life a journey towards authenticity, starting today.  I pretended a lot in my marriage to my uBPDx.  No more.  Be yourself and get back on your path.  As Nietzsche said, "Become who you are."  Does this make sense?

LuckyJim

[once removed]

How do you stop feeling like this & letting the longing rule your behaviour?

by letting go. easier said than done, right 

NC isnt the same as letting go. it can give us some space to detach, but mentally letting go is a choice, one thats very painful to make. the healthiest decisions often are.

It feels so painful. Take away the abuse, breakups & manipulative behaviour she was so perfect! It isn't fair!

one way is to reconcile that its a package deal; there isnt a good and bad her, there is only one her, and at the end of the day, for whatever reasons, it doesnt work. when we can start to see that, we arent compartmentalizing anymore, and we can start to mourn and grieve something tangible, graspable.

I am just so confused at the moment.

hang in there. this is all very hard.

[magic78]

one way is to reconcile that its a package deal; there isnt a good and bad her, there is only one her, and at the end of the day, for whatever reasons, it doesnt work. when we can start to see that, we arent compartmentalizing anymore, and we can start to mourn and grieve something tangible, graspable.

hang in there. this is all very hard.

I like this packaged deal idea! Thinking of it has a package rather than two separate possibilities. Thank you!