6 weeks out of NC, still healing

[NorseWoman]

Yup, 6 weeks of NC since the last recycle. There were about 9 recycle events in total.
I have been out of town for 4 weeks. When I picked up my snail mail I scanned it for a letter from my ex. I had blocked phone calls, texts and emails so snail mail was the only way beyond a face to face. Emotionally I was a little disappointed - nothing. Realistically I was relieved that I did not have to again make a decision. Yes, it still hurts to make the same decision that I know is best for me.
That tells me I have not healed totally - more time is needed.
I think that it is not me missing the ex as much as me missing the good parts of a relationship.
So back to this board, back to coda, back to therapy (hopefully soon), back to speaking about this with a friend, back to learning more about me and back to taking better care of me. Hope remains.

Back to healing. I will have no expectations when that will occur enough to my satisfaction because high expectations often lead to disappointment.
This is indeed teaching me patience which I lack.

Thanks for this board and all participants. I am grateful.
N.W.

[Lucky Jim]

I think that it is not me missing the ex as much as me missing the good parts of a relationship.

Hey NorseWoman, Right, we all miss the good parts, yet you have to bring to mind the bad parts, too, as part of moving on.  It sounds like you are making progress.  There's no timetable, and everyone heals at his/her own pace, so be patient with yourself.  Suggest you stay the course and make the same decision as many times as necessary.

LuckyJim

[Mutt]

Hi  NorseWoman,

I’d like to echo LuckyJim about healing everyone heals in their own way. I just wanted to touch on high expectations and I’m not saying that you have them, instead of putting a ton of energy into a huge spike then you crash, just do it gradually. I look at it like one day at a time until you reach your end - baby steps.

[NorseWoman]

Thanks Lucky Jim and Mutt, you are both right. Time is my healer.
I am very impatient, I will look at it as my higher power is helping me learn a lesson with this on its time table.

I have a final decision that I will make this week. Some friends of my ex asked to get together with me soon. I am thinking this is not a good idea for me as it is a reminder of my ex. This is the first time they have asked to get together with me in 2 years so this makes me suspicious that maybe they are only doing it because my ex asked them to. Maybe I am just too suspicious but I can't take a chance with my progress. I am leaning to say 'No Thanks', (taking care of me)

N.W.

[Mutt]

Every little bit that you do to help yourself will help you over all. I agree with putting your needs first on this one.

If I were curious about my ex this would be a chance to get some info about her, I’m not saying that you’re curious and if you are there’s no judgement from me. If I were friends with them and depending on the how close they were to me r/s wise.

I’d consider it aside from that I’d question why they are requesting to see me, it might have something to do with your ex, maybe they want to help your ex in some way and want your help.

It sounds a little off but you said that they were friends with your ex and you may have a friendship with them too.

[ColdKnight]

I would assume they were his friends prior to you. If so I wouldn’t unless you became really good friends with them since he introduced you. Do your feel safe with them? Are they that important in your life to take a risk of having to start the healing process all over?

Generally in our mind we know what the right answer is we just let our emotions make the decisions. Reaching out to other people helps us affirm our logic and override our emotions. “The heart wants what the heart wants” “yea but the heart is a liar”

But take it for what it is worth. I am no one of consequence.

[NorseWoman]

I have decided to Not see these friends of my ex uBPD. I question myself if I had an ulterior motive. Maybe? I just didn't go there. A win for me I feel, YEA
The gap between my heart and head is getting smaller, meaning I am doing what is best for me and not letting my heart override the reality.

I am now wondering if it is best for me to Not spend as much time devoted to my ex's BPD  etc. as it  makes me think about her more than I think is best for my healing. It was very useful at first. Now, I need time to not think about it and her.  I did my work learning what I could, moving on with life now.
So thankful for this board, I will check in from time to time.
N.W.