I can't even figure out which board to post on...

[Inner Light]

I would think all people going through a divorce go through wild swings ... I have tried to leave 10+ times in our 14 years of marriage. I get fed up with his negativity and critical judging spirit. He is loyal, he doesn't curse or use drugs but he also isn't much of a partner. It all revolves around him. We have two kids and though it's mostly me doing the parenting and working, he does contribute in his inconsistent way ... I stupidly let myself get provoked past weekend and ended up telling him it's over and I'm moving out. Now I'm terrified and also deeply regretful at my over reaction and rashness. Yes I should follow through and my fear is too strong. He's tired though and maybe he'll pull the plug this time... I sound like the BPD but it's more that we have no family support and we have these great kids...

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Mutt]

Hi Inner Light,


If you work with a therapist or a counselor they work with you from the top it’s harder to work from the bottom and upward.

R/s’s on their own are tough then you add BPD and it’s in its own stratosphere but you’re not alone in that stratosphere. Like you said a pwBPD are self centered and take a lot of place and our needs tend to be neglected for a long time. So it’s understandable that we have periods where we vent and make decisions that are done in the moment instead of weighing things carefully before making a decision.

That being said BPD is an inability to cope with stress in a healthful manner, BPD traits are exhibited more intensely during stressful periods.

Is there something that’s causing tension at home?

How old are the kids?

[Inner Light]

Thanks for your reply.  I'll take any insight I can get! I'm not sure what you meant by the comment on counselors... Please explain? ... I believe in counseling and have been going for many years. My kids are in elementary school to answer your question... Stresses in our home are that my spouse has had unremitting difficulty in his career/ finances and that's about all he can tolerate... Meanwhile my life is very intense between my business, kids, housework, etc. and I'm depleted even though I make it work.

[Skip]

It sounds like you are not ready to leave... why not just apologize for over reacting. It's allowed.

Being a mom of little ones, working, husband with struggles - that is massively tiring.

We can work with you here to learn tools to help your relationship, see the best side of it (sounds like you do). We can help you evaluate its longevity, look at the trade-offs of staying, going, detaching, investing.

You can come her when you are frustrated and find friends that will listen.

Welcome!

[Inner Light]

Thanks Skip for feedback; yes I need to keep evaluating the trade-offs... I don't know if it's a "recycle" to think about leaving and decide against... But it's hard to be in this vascillation of "I have to get out of this r/s to ... maybe this could work/suffice." It's never like "this is great" ... As a person he has so much talent and greatness but there's no partnership... The kids like how things are... He's someone they can check in with a few minutes a day but we're mostly apart.  They don't want to be grouched at either. When we have an outing it's generally full of tension and stress. He opts out of all holidays/ vacations and I just do them with my family. He's there for an emergency but rarely takes interest in me other than as a sounding board for his latest project. He used to try to intimidate me or tell but we both learned how to walk away over the years. I doubt he'll change so I convince myself to just lower my expectations and yet I don't know that I can ever really hold to that for very long...