My elderly Dad is being particularly unpleasant today.

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hi Everyone,
Just needed to have a vent today, my elderly Dad is being particularly unpleasant today. i wish I could dress it up and say that "I understand that it is a disorder" and it is not his fault which I know is true. But I am so tired with the self absorbed behaviour, lack of empathy, the splitting, the screaming, the depression the constant complaining of imaginary ailments, the intolerance towards pretty much everyone that doesn't "understand where he is coming from" which is quite honestly everyone. I feel guilty for saying this but I feel like I have to let it out as I cant address it with him. It is beyond tiring having someone in the same house as you constantly drawing attention to himself by dramatic facial gestures, grimacing, eye rolls, punching his chest and head. And when you ask what is the matter as any person would you get told "Why are you asking cant I do what I... like"? I then don't acknowledge anything dramatic and I get told that I am selfish. Literally no matter what I do is wrong, everything is black or white, peace or war there is no middle ground nothing that is normal. When I go out and see friends who are so supportive it does help and grounds me but days like these when you can not have any semblance of a normal conversation are hard. As I live with him he is elderly (75) and have no home of my own at the moment. I have to quite literally apologise for some perceived "slight" that has enraged him, or be told that he will kick me out and I will be essentially homeless. The person he describes as me is clearly a projection of his own inadaquecies and self loathing,  others see me completely differently, because I am myself around them. I know this message isn't based on an actual event that has taken place and more feelings and emotionally orientated so there are probably no answers. Just me venting which has helped calm me down so thank you so much anyone that has read this. Dad has 7 of the 9 DSM for Borderline and they are very prominent I wonder also whether he has NPD also as he has no empathy for "real situations". He can cry at the drop of a hat at a John Wayne film but if someone was in emotional or physical pain in reality, he wouldn't get remotely bothered. If there is anyone who witnesses the same and any tips I would appreciate it. I have read about detaching mentally which I am able to do sometimes but when the behaviour is really concentrated it is difficult.

[White Feather]

Hi Everyone,
Just needed to have a vent today, my elderly Dad is being particularly unpleasant today. i wish I could dress it up and say that "I understand that it is a disorder" and it is not his fault which I know is true. But I am so tired with the self absorbed behaviour, lack of empathy, the splitting, the screaming, the depression the constant complaining of imaginary ailments, the intolerance towards pretty much everyone that doesn't "understand where he is coming from" which is quite honestly everyone. I feel guilty for saying this but I feel like I have to let it out as I cant address it with him. It is beyond tiring having someone in the same house as you constantly drawing attention to himself by dramatic facial gestures, grimacing, eye rolls, punching his chest and head. And when you ask what is the matter as any person would you get told "Why are you asking cant I do what I... like"? I then don't acknowledge anything dramatic and I get told that I am selfish. Literally no matter what I do is wrong, everything is black or white, peace or war there is no middle ground nothing that is normal. When I go out and see friends who are so supportive it does help and grounds me but days like these when you can not have any semblance of a normal conversation are hard. As I live with him he is elderly (75) and have no home of my own at the moment. I have to quite literally apologise for some perceived "slight" that has enraged him, or be told that he will kick me out and I will be essentially homeless. The person he describes as me is clearly a projection of his own inadaquecies and self loathing,  others see me completely differently, because I am myself around them. I know this message isn't based on an actual event that has taken place and more feelings and emotionally orientated so there are probably no answers. Just me venting which has helped calm me down so thank you so much anyone that has read this. Dad has 7 of the 9 DSM for Borderline and they are very prominent I wonder also whether he has NPD also as he has no empathy for "real situations". He can cry at the drop of a hat at a John Wayne film but if someone was in emotional or physical pain in reality, he wouldn't get remotely bothered. If there is anyone who witnesses the same and any tips I would appreciate it. I have read about detaching mentally which I am able to do sometimes but when the behaviour is really concentrated it is difficult.

[Cinnamonx7]

Offering a virtual hug and hoping it helps some. I am experiencing the same.  Almost to a T the exact thing except he isn’t elderly.

I’m having a hard time understanding why he does not even try and risks everything.

 

[White Feather]

Thank you so much for your virtual hug, I am sending one back :hug:Also thank you for taking the time to respond means a lot. I'm sorry that you are in the same situation with your father. I wish I could wave a magic wand and all would be well for us all, sadly there are no answers to all this unless they seek help. We just have to manage ourselves when we are able, by self care and talking about it on brilliant sites like this, with friends or a Therapist. I totally understand that you are struggling to comprehend that they have no concept of the damage they are doing to others and themselves. But they truly do not, my father will have very brief moments of recognition of what he has said or done that was unacceptable and he will on the very rare occasion apologise. The same behaviour is then repeated again and again there seems to be no concept of "cause and effect" BPDs have only a very small amount of empathy which is sad,so they cannot truly see that their actions are hurtful or affecting others.Their pain is so awe consuming that they cannot see the flip side or anything but their "emotional void that needs filling up continually". I totally understand in theory all that is written about this disorder, but trying to deal with it, is another matter. I have found that meditation helps on days when his moods are not too deregulated (then I just cant get in the zone)! Focusing my attention away from him by doing tasks that require concentration reading, learning a new skill or flow work.Pretty much anything that allows you to do your own thing and calm down. Yesterday was a bad day and it was a continual stream of erratic behaviour and I couldn't cope. I wish you all the absolute best with your father stay strong and remember there is a lot of us out there in the same boat.

[Cinnamonx7]

Hi again. I just read your response after posting in my thread and once again, we seem to be talking about the exact same thing!

My apologies I get do not last long either!

I wish we all had a nice relaxing club house to retreat to.

Self-care is very important for sure. I’m sorry you had such a bad day the other day. Mine started yesterday and has not ended yet.

I have learned to just stay away from him. I stay in my room and I don’t leave.

If he bangs on my door, I tell him to come back after he has re-booted.

I’m now learning to turn my room into a mini-apartment and make sure I can survive these episodes.