Looking for Support

[Evolving Mom]

Ugh.  I started to write something for my first post and then decided there's just too much. It looked like a novel. I love my daughter. She's 18.  It's just so overwhelming when she lies about me to other people. She often posts these things publicly.  This last time really cut to the core. I'm feeling torn and sometimes I want to cut off contact completely. Then I feel terrible guilt and shame for even thinking that and end up opening myself up to more abuse. It's a vicious cycle. Does anyone else feel this way?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[JNChell]

Hi, Evolving Mom. My kiddo is only 4, but I snoop around here at times. I may not have good advice for you, but love resonates from your post.

Actually, we recommend novels here. Type away!

Your daughter posts untrue things about you on social media? How do you approach that?

[Normlee]

Welcome Evoving Mom. I agree, novels are welcome here  and healing to write. It's so nice to have a place to be honest and not feel shame for whats happening in our family. There are so many loving people here who understand and will be there for you. I'm pretty new here myself. And I'm feeling a relief as I'm learning and trying out new communication skills. Things can get better.
My son is 38. He has always been a very sensitive clingy baby and child. He suffered trauma as a young child that I didn't know about until he was 21.  At 14 on he was explosive, defiant, extremely emotional... I tried different therapies but he resisted... I only wish I knew about BPD back then. I would have approached my son differently and it probably would have helped. I always loved him. I did not always validate how he was feeling and perceiving things. The funny thing when my son was 18 mo old I saw a psychiatrist regarding my relationship with his Dad and was told he most likey had BPD. I asked if my son could have it. He said no. I wish I would have taken the term BPD seriously all those years ago and learned about it. I'm so glad you're here and that you are looking for help and support now when your daughter is young.

[Evolving Mom]

Hi JNChell,  

Yes, she posts about me for the public to see but hides the posts from people who care about me. She's amazing at lying. I've never met anyone who can be so convincing.  In fact, if I didn't personally know what she was saying about me isn't true, I'd believe it! I'm quite certain she believes the things she says, at least to some extent. I've confronted her, but she makes excuses and blames me for her posts. She recently stole my ex husbands credit card and when he confronted her, she blamed him for leaving his wallet on his night stand.
She claims I'm an alcoholic (I maybe have a glass of wine a month). She also has claimed I'm a drug addict. I don't do any drugs, legal or otherwise. She does drink and do drugs though. It's baffling. A few years ago, I caught her smoking inside my house and confronted her. She flew into a rage and left.  The last thing I said as she slammed the door was "I love you. I wish you wouldn't go. You are welcome back at any time. I do expect you to respect my home and values though."  She claimed I kicked her out and posted on social media about what a heartless mother she has. She barely spoke to me for three years.

About a month ago she had a major surgery.  I dropped everything and took a few weeks of vacation from work so I could be at the hospital with her 24/7.  I bought her snuggly jammies and a soft blanket, coloring books and reading materials. I also bought a bunch of foods she could eat so she'd have some yummy healthy stuff on hand. I advocated for her with medical staff and helped her do everything from go to the bathroom to shower. She seemed so grateful while we were at the hospital. As soon as we arrived home from though, she posted on social media that my house felt like "prison" and asked for any friend to come pick her up. Someone obliged shortly. I haven't seen her since. It's been two weeks.

[JNChell]

Wow! This sounds like a lot. You haven’t seen her for 2 weeks? Are you all communicating? Are these growing pains, or are you convinced that there is something more serious going on with your daughter?

[Evolving Mom]

Wow! This sounds like a lot. You haven’t seen her for 2 weeks? Are you all communicating? Are these growing pains, or are you convinced that there is something more serious going on with your daughter?

This is her pattern. She creates a situation where people feel like they need to save her. Usually it involves lying about those close to her. She lives with the folks who step in to save her until they can't stand her abuse anymore and they kick her out. Then she comes back to my ex or I for a bit and then repeats. 

[Evolving Mom]

Welcome Evoving Mom. I agree, novels are welcome here  and healing to write. It's so nice to have a place to be honest and not feel shame for whats happening in our family. There are so many loving people here who understand and will be there for you. I'm pretty new here myself. And I'm feeling a relief as I'm learning and trying out new communication skills. Things can get better.
My son is 38. He has always been a very sensitive clingy baby and child. He suffered trauma as a young child that I didn't know about until he was 21.  At 14 on he was explosive, defiant, extremely emotional... I tried different therapies but he resisted... I only wish I knew about BPD back then. I would have approached my son differently and it probably would have helped. I always loved him. I did not always validate how he was feeling and perceiving things. The funny thing when my son was 18 mo old I saw a psychiatrist regarding my relationship with his Dad and was told he most likey had BPD. I asked if my son could have it. He said no. I wish I would have taken the term BPD seriously all those years ago and learned about it. I'm so glad you're here and that you are looking for help and support now when your daughter is young.

I wish I'd known about BPD when my daughter was younger too. Thank you for the welcome! Have you been able to get your sone help?  I'm hoping at some point my daughter will be open to getting help. She did mention to me the other day that she'd come across some information online and suspects that she has BPD.  After reading several books, I'm certain she does. We don't have an official diagnosis though.

[Normlee]

My son will get help in bits and pieces. Enough to keep his wife from leaving it seems. He does like the psycholigist he is seeing now and tgey do EMDR work for trauma. He is able to regulate his emotions better than he used to. I think a good part of that was his wife saying he'd have to leave if he didn't stop ranting and screaming when upset.. He is very dependent though. Baby steps are ok.

[Evolving Mom]

My son will get help in bits and pieces. Enough to keep his wife from leaving it seems. He does like the psycholigist he is seeing now and tgey do EMDR work for trauma. He is able to regulate his emotions better than he used to. I think a good part of that was his wife saying he'd have to leave if he didn't stop ranting and screaming when upset.. He is very dependent though. Baby steps are ok.

Has EMDR been helpful?  We don't have any DBT certified therapists in our area, but maybe I could find someone who does EMDR.

[FaithHopeLove]

Hello Evolving Mom,
I am glad to meet you and sorry for what brings you here. Your post sounds very familiar. Many people with BPD create their own reality. My son does too. I say create their own reality because I am not convinced they are lying. They really do believe what they are saying, at least at the time they say it. My understanding from reading and posting here is they feel pain, are unable to associate it with something going on inside them, and therefore project it outwards. The good news is, things can get better. There are communications skills specific to BPD that we are all learning here that help us have better relationships with our beloved children. Have you had a chance to look around the website yet? A good place to start for you might be Validation This was one of the first articles I read and it really helped me to understand my son better and to respond with compassion and understanding, validating the feelings behind what he was doing without "validating the invalid" by agreeing with his actions. See if it helps.
hugs
Faith

[Evolving Mom]

Hello Evolving Mom,
I am glad to meet you and sorry for what brings you here. Your post sounds very familiar. Many people with BPD create their own reality. My son does too. I say create their own reality because I am not convinced they are lying. They really do believe what they are saying, at least at the time they say it. My understanding from reading and posting here is they feel pain, are unable to associate it with something going on inside them, and therefore project it outwards. The good news is, things can get better. There are communications skills specific to BPD that we are all learning here that help us have better relationships with our beloved children. Have you had a chance to look around the website yet? A good place to start for you might be Validation This was one of the first articles I read and it really helped me to understand my son better and to respond with compassion and understanding, validating the feelings behind what he was doing without "validating the invalid" by agreeing with his actions. See if it helps.
hugs
Faith

Faith, thank you so much! This is great information. I looked around a little yesterday when I joined this message board, but it is a bit like sipping a tidal wave through a straw. Having a specific technique to work on is great. I’m going to post more  about specifics with her in a bit.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[livednlearned]

She did mention to me the other day that she'd come across some information online and suspects that she has BPD.  

That's powerful. How did you respond when she mentioned she suspects she could have BPD?

[Evolving Mom]

That's powerful. How did you respond when she mentioned she suspects she could have BPD?

I let her know that I love her and if that’s the case, I will do whatever I can to support her. I also bought her the book “Get Me Out Of Here” and sent her some of the links to resources I’ve found. Hoping she checks them out.

[FaithHopeLove]

I looked around a little yesterday when I joined this message board, but it is a bit like sipping a tidal wave through a straw. Having a specific technique to work on is great. I’m going to post more  about specifics with her in a bit.

I know just what you mean. Take it at your own pace. Did you read the Validation article? Here it is again. Validation

[Evolving Mom]

I know just what you mean. Take it at your own pace. Did you read the Validation article? Here it is again. Validation

I did ready it. It’s very helpful. Thank you!

[StressedOutDaily]

Hi Evolving Mom -
Boy can I relate!  Our DD16 lies about us to others also.  Most recently she took off - shut off her phone and was missing for a night and day.   (she was found and hospitalized and now is at a short term RTC) .  We found out that she had been telling her "friends" that we abused her, that her Dad molested her and I watched! So they picked her up and brought her to a hotel for the night.    It was very hard to read that (especially for my husband) - this child that you love and would die for, telling people those terrible lies.
She has told people that we kicked her out of the house, that we don't feed her, or that we are too poor to buy food, or clothes...

Her therapist said that this week she admitted to telling these lies, (a step in the right direction) but she still doesn't see that it is a problem.  She told her that she will do or say anything to get the attention she needs - mostly  from boys.   

It just makes me so sad to think that there is something inside her that is missing that she needs make up such terrible things to get the wrong kind of attention from the wrong kind of people.

You may want to look into attending a BPD family connections program - you can attend in person or you can attend by phone.   It was a turning point for DH and I...not that it changed her behavior, but it changed how we respond. 

Sending you a hug! 
~SOD

[Evolving Mom]

Hi Evolving Mom -
Boy can I relate!  Our DD16 lies about us to others also.  Most recently she took off - shut off her phone and was missing for a night and day.   (she was found and hospitalized and now is at a short term RTC) .  We found out that she had been telling her "friends" that we abused her, that her Dad molested her and I watched! So they picked her up and brought her to a hotel for the night.    It was very hard to read that (especially for my husband) - this child that you love and would die for, telling people those terrible lies.
She has told people that we kicked her out of the house, that we don't feed her, or that we are too poor to buy food, or clothes...

Her therapist said that this week she admitted to telling these lies, (a step in the right direction) but she still doesn't see that it is a problem.  She told her that she will do or say anything to get the attention she needs - mostly  from boys.   

It just makes me so sad to think that there is something inside her that is missing that she needs make up such terrible things to get the wrong kind of attention from the wrong kind of people.

You may want to look into attending a BPD family connections program - you can attend in person or you can attend by phone.   It was a turning point for DH and I...not that it changed her behavior, but it changed how we respond. 

Sending you a hug! 
~SOD

This is some of the exact same stuff we went through with my daughter.  It's been years of false accusations and running away. Unfortunately, people usually give her a pass on these things.  She's gorgeous and charismatic and thus far has been able to talk herself out of consequences with most people (including the police). How does someone get involved with the family connections program? I'll look for it on the website in the meantime. I believe all of the trainings I've seen are in other parts of the country, but if I could attend by phone that would be amazing!

[StressedOutDaily]

Hi...just incase you didn't find the website yet - here is a link for the family connections program.   There might be a waiting list, but sign up and when a spot becomes available they will contact you.

https://www.borderlinepersonalitydisorder.org/family-connections/

~SOD

[Normlee]

EvolvingMom, I'm sorry I did repond sooner. Yes EMDR has been helpful for him targeting trauma. His fear and anxiety can get very amped up still but he's been able to regulate his anger so he doesn't rage. So far so good anyway.