BP adult children living at home vs on their own?

[nonbordermom11]

Hi all...wanted to raise a question...I have been reading here on the sight and want some feedback. I believe our goal is to help our BP kids to launch and be self supporting. What's your opinion on having them live at home vs encouraging to live on their own?

My DD27 came back to live at home for a period of time, during that time, all the classic behaviors were there, rages, accusations, threats. We had to adjust our living situation DAILY , "walking on eggshells". It was nothing short of horrible. Now my DD is living 13 hrs away and that too presents another set of problems, money, not knowing what she's doing, etc. 
The Pro: I have peace at home, I can pay attention to my other children without fear that I'm "favoring" them, can focus on their future plans and enjoy them. They need my attention too.

the Con: My DD is running low on money, don't know what her day to day looks like, worry if she is ok (all the time)...she has a T, has meds, has the DBT book which I sent her. I have read that once they get a job, one that is rewarding, their can be progress to "happiness". My DD likes the non profit type work where she feels she is helping and the atmosphere in the workplace is upbeat and positive. She quit that job 8  months ago and living off her savings.

Do I let her hit rock bottom and force her into a position to  get a job by only providing the minimal she needs to be safe...rent and electricity, (Looking into SNAP program for food)?

Does anyone know of any other assistance and services in Florida that one can apply for? I read that if they apply and receive financial assistance they will also get help in job placement. I'm just starting this search.

Back the question...live at home where a roof, bed, food, electricity is provided and maybe be too comfortable to want to work, or live on her own scrape by and want more for themselves.  Being home sometimes helps them to feel safer maybe? My DD knows that option is always on the table. I will say she likes her apt and being alone, she thought our house was chaotic, my son had his friends in and out daily (summertime).

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Resiliant]

Hi Nonbordermom,  I see you’ve had lots of views and no replies so maybe this is a hard question for everyone.   I’m going to try.  My two cents worth from one mom to another.  I
I agree with what you said about getting our children to “launch”.  I feel that it is important for anyone to have a sense of independence, and if we encourage them to stay home for our own sake so that we don’t have to worry about them we aren’t doing them any favours.  What happens if you get hit by a truck (so to speak) and your adult child hasn’t had the opportunity to learn to be independent and survive on their own?   Not to mention some space makes for better relationships.  While this disorder can seem disabling at times, it does not render our loved ones disabled.  Speaking of disabled I often think about the brave moms who’s children are born with no arms and the moms make sure that they still learn to dress themselves, brush their teeth etc, so they can learn to live with dignity and as independently as possible.  Valerie Porr, in her book called “Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder, a Family Guide to Healing” says to remind our loved ones that they can do hard things.   Sometimes we have to remind ourselves of that too.   

[FaithHopeLove]

My son would love to move back home and take no responsibility for his life. No way will that happen. His father and I are ready to see him become homeless or in jail if that is what it takes for him to grow up.

[Swimmy55]

Hi NonborderMom,
You will find a whole range of experiences here .  I , like Faith, am on the side of me and my adult  son not living under the same roof.  Earlier this year he became violent towards me and caused thousands of dollars of damage to my home.   He got caught up in hard drugs, would not go to rehab, etc etc. 
There is no one answer , each case is so different.  However, one rule must apply: Preservation of life and safety in the home. That can't be compromised. 

[PeaceMom]

Hi Non,

I have put this question out on this forum in many ways as I’m always trying to learn from others who have had success. I think the whole goal in parenting is to produce independent, self sufficient adult children. Some are this way at 18, but I see that most are mid20s. There is a phenomenon of later adulting and I don’t believe it is simply the parent’s fault. There are studies proving this trend.

So, we add in the fact that MH/Emotional/personality/substance use disorders are scientifically proven to delay/stunt maturity, we have an extra set of challenges.

My last T was all about pushing kids out of nest between 18-22. I agreed with her, in theory, but what I saw daily in my home was my young  adults not able to handle that much independence. We tried it and 3 of my kids imploded.

If you are interested, our fellow member, Lollypop has shared details of helping her DS get ready to launch in a supportive way. Enabling is doing something for someone that are equipped to do themself. Support is helping someone by teaching them skills they have yet to acquire.

I see now that my T was under the assumption my 3 had garnered these skills, but that was wrong. We are slowly working on their later launches in a supportive way.  We are looking for long term success, not quick ineffective results.

They are not violent, destructive, abusive here in the home. If they were, I’d desperately be seeking another plan. Now,  DD19 uBPD is still here too and she can be just horrible with her symptoms. But, she’s working 2 jobs and trying to get a Nursing Tech certificate thru a college so we are allowing her here with the goal to get her out as soon as she can handle the independence.

It’s important to think about short term and long term goals for your own life then figure out if having your DD back at home is enabling or supporting her.

I hope others share here, I’m all ears!
Peacemom

[nonbordermom11]

Thank you all for replying, it helps...My DD27 unfortunately was escalating to violence and threats to call 911 and basically lie that we abused her. It got very uncomfortable to say the least. She opted to leave. I got very nervous that the next episode could resort in cops. That point you guys made about safety hit home. We realize the holidays are coming up...what to do then? We are talking about meeting at a public place, not in the house. My other daughter brought up a good idea, she works in a hospital. She heard that in cases like ours they hire a "trained babysitter", someone who is more or less a mediator in case intervention is necessary if things get out of hand. Has any heard of this? I'm not against it. I need to look into it further. So basically the consensus is they live out if the house to help encourage them to find work, unless they are not a danger to the others and still need some life skills to get going. That really helps, I appreciate all the advice you guys give. We wonder if we are being too harsh.. I'm willing to help subsidize her income if necessary. Thank you again