How have you all filled the void of missing your companion?

[gadget]

Hi all,

I'm doing much better these days.  Keeping busy.  Focusing on me.  Working on College.

But in the end I still miss having a close companion in my life.  How have all you filled that void?

Join a club?  Join a Gym?

Gadget

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Birddog]

My Marriage Councilor asked me this yesterday, said it must feel empty. I haven't been able to completely fill that void.

Things that have helped for me:
Recognized the limitation
Enjoy the moments we do connect with our SOs in positive manor, be grateful.
Engaging with friends
Find our own interests, not something to please others, but something that makes us feel whole and is healthy, something that is beyond just for the sake of doing.
Meetup groups/thing like Master Gardner
Continue to connect with others, PTSD I see has impaired my ability to do this, but find brings down a lot of the associated pain.

[gadget]

Thanks birddog!

I will have to work on recognizing the limitation.  And for sure be very grateful for the few positive interactions I do have with my SO.  Mostly all are positive because they are about co-parenting and not about us as a couple.

I have been engaging with friends.  I'm working on realizing what I want to really do for me beyond just doing something for the sake of doing it.  After being codependent so long, it's hard to think of what I really want to do for me vs doing for others.  I'll get the hang of it.

I will look into meetup groups.  Thanks for that tip!

Gadget

[Red5]

I still miss having a close companion in my life.  How have all you filled that void?

Join a club?  Join a Gym?

*taking care of my Son
*Church
*work
*home improvements
*working on the property
*shed time… tinkering, I'm the "lawn mower man"
*working on the boat
*endless chores
*we got a puppy, eight week old German Shepherd : )
*need to get back into fishing 

Red5

[gadget]

Thanks Red5!

I have similar lists.  I'll focus on those.  It is getting easier day by day.  Still feels like an unreal nightmare that I cannot wake from.  I do have much more in my life currently than I have lost.

Gadget

[Red5]

I have similar lists.  I'll focus on those.  It is getting easier day by day. 

Still feels like an unreal nightmare that I cannot wake from.  I do have much more in my life currently than I have lost.

I've been really fighting my heart the last two days, wanting to reach out to her… she was pretty "obtuse" with me last Sunday via texts… I've learned to disengage and detach when she is like this… I have to say this, I know I'm far better off, myself and my Son, without her… she is just too toxic… but my mind, and my heart are always locked in "what if"… meanwhile, my gut is like… "are you serious"… "remember when she ____ to you and "J" (S32a)"...

I have done a lot better over the months, in practicing mindfulness, and the tools to calm my ever persistent thoughts, thoughts that she is coming back home one day… when I have these thoughts, feelings, I name them and call them out… "hello anxiety, hello fear"… now SHOVE OFF!

 …

I know that staying busy, and focused on work, and my Son, and my other two adult children, whom live here in town too… is the best… and not to continue to "pine" for her… I mean who the /F/ am I kidding, she is NOT going to ever change, she is 52 now… she is always going to be "difficult"… and a confrontational personality… what was it I read a while back, there are three main behavior modes of a borderline, & they are, best I can remember:
*victim (eternal)
*entitlement (entitled attitude)
*(no) personal accountability

Yeah, its been eleven years, eight married, now nine months separated… and I still "miss her"?

What is that?… what does this "say" about my own "psychosis" ?

So what I am understanding is this… I long for the times she was not abusive, which is the 'intermittent positive reward'… the times in between her dysregulations, and rages, meltdowns and self imposed drama and chaos… that's what I miss… it is as though my mind completely edits out the bad, and all I see, or remember is the good, what there was to remember of it anyways… but there was always something going on with her… always : (

hmmm, ok, back to work now : )

#hang in there gadget!

Red5

[Baglady]

Hi Gadget,

I had to work really hard to try to fill the void so to speak.  My exBPDh had sucked the life outta me by the time he rage-fested out the door 16 months ago!  I had grown so co-dependent after 27 years of his conditioning - I could barely tell where I began and he ended!  This is what I've been focused upon to try to work through my pain and loss;
1) I went through a crazy research phase about BPD - I had an intense compulsion to understand what on earth happened to my marriage and life.  This phase is now fading away as more time goes on which I think is healthy
2) Exploring more my role in the relationship and why I put up with the assault on my self-respect.  Still interested in learning and growing but on my terms and I'm focusing more and more on tackling my codependency, developing my self-esteem and self-confidence - lots of reading and therapy
3) Growing my "tribe".  I lost the only family members I had in this country in addition to my ex (they all circled the wagons around him and froze me out).  I'm very focused on developing and growing my friendship circles
4) My teen son - busy days - driver's ed, SAT prep, lots of chauffeuring and activities.  He views me as the stable parent and leans on me far more than his father for his emotional and life support.  I co-parent but do all the significant parental activities as my ex is triggered by the reality of parenting.  He just wants to veg in front of a screen with my son being a bro instead of actively parenting him.
5) My work - very absorbing.  I work to support children with significant disabilities.
6) My kitty - my little therapy pet.  She's a lap cat and almost psychically attuned to my moods and need for comfort at times.

Hang in there.  The surreal feeling lasts quite a long time (at least a year for me) but it has faded and slowly acceptance is creeping in.

Warmly,
B

[gadget]

Thanks Red5 and baglady!

I’m hanging in there.  And I do miss my wife.  It is getting easier with time.  Still so unfair we all have to go through this.  But it sure helps you are all here with me, have similar stories, and get what I’m going through.

Baglady - I’m reading TONS on BPD and I have like 64 books on my Kindle to help me understand and rebuild my happiness.  My reading journey started with our therapist recommending I read “Trauma Stewardship” which covers Compassionate Caregiver Overload which my wife is suffering from by helping take care of our special needs son with me for the last 24 years. I did see some of my wife’s behaviors in that book.

I then was recommended by a friend to read “The Verbally Abusive Relationship”.  I did see my wife in there too,  mostly from withholding texts, information from me and all the silence I had to endure.  Withholding is like shunning and the worst.

Then I read “Walking on Eggshells”. And I saw my wife in almost every page.  I did mention to our therapist I read this book and see a lot of my wife in it.  The therapist just nodded and then we went on to talk about my codependency issues.

Other books I’m still reading:  High-Conflict Couple, Codependent No More, It’s Ok That You’re Not Ok, Whole Again, A Year of Positive Thinking, I Hate You, Don’t Leave Me, Emotional Blackmail, The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder, The Tao of Pooh, The 4 Facets of Grief, The 90 Day Happiness Journal, CBT Made Simple, The Secret Joy of Hoge,  and SO much more!

Can you tell I have an eBook addiction?  

Gadget

[Red5]

Gadget,

A couple more books for you, you may already have them : )

Understanding the Borderline Mother: Helping Her Children Transcend the Intense, Unpredictable, and Volatile Relationship…
*Book by Christine Ann Lawson

Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder: How to Keep Out-of-Control Emotions From Destroying Your Relationship…
*Book by Shari Y. Manning

Codependent No More... & Beyond Codependent No More
*Book by Melody Beattie

The Object of My Affection Is in My Reflection: Coping with Narcissists (& Borderlines-cluster "B's")
*Book by Rokelle Lerner… *this book is excellent!… wow!… right up there with SWOE,

Most of these are reviewed here on the boards, groups… look under "Community Built Knowledge Base".

I've found some have been uploaded onto YouTube as audio books as well, and I've found the CD/MP3's on ebay  .

… I listen to the audio books in the jeep while traveling to and fro from work.

-break->

Baglady

I had a question,

I went through a crazy research phase about BPD - I had an intense compulsion to understand what on earth happened to my marriage and life.  This phase is now fading away as more time goes on which I think is healthy

How long have you been doing this?, I've read several times, as well youtubers have said… "be careful, don't do this too long, as it becomes unhealthy"… I've been doing this since summer 2016 myself.

And I can report, as of today… stardate 190830… I am still fully engulfed in the quest for knowledge… still searching for "horcrux's"… and clues… and "alien spaceships parts"…

Yes, it is still quite obsessive to me… I have a list, 5x8 note pad, front to back, of youtubers channels I visits to hear weekly, some daily, to learn from, and as well coming here several times a day… yeah ; (

… it's bad I know… but… I've learned so much, and I do feel it has been very beneficial to me.

I feel, that I would have certainly gone quite nuts (krazy) without the constant "mining" of knowledge, over the last (about) three years now, that's for certain, since "bpd epiphany".

Gadget

I am looking for this book right now…
*Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get on with Life
*Book by Margalis Fjelstad

Ya'll take care,

Red5

[gadget]

Thanks for the book tips!  I'm sure I will buy them.  Over time I'm reading less about BPD and more on how I cope, find my happiness, my Hygge, my inner monk.  It has only been 3 months for me.  Reading Stop Walking on Eggshells told me almost all I need to know.

Right now I'm reading a book that hopefully will help me understand her a  bit more and help with my interactions with her.  it is called:  "The High-Conflict Couple - A Dialectical Behavior Therapy Guide to Finding Peace, Intimacy and Validation"

Gadget

[Baglady]

Hi Red and Gadget,

So wish we weren't on this crazy roller coaster together but happy to have the company   

My exBPDh "lost it" in Nov. 2017 so really it's been almost 18 months of compulsive research regarding BPD.  I was almost crazed myself trying to make sense of it all - BPD is completely irrational and our brains CRAVE reason and patterns that make sense.

I've been attending CODA Anonymous meetings since May, 2019 and as a result, I've been spinning the dial more toward myself and my role in the whole fiasco that was my marriage.  Why did I put up with my decades long mistreatment?  (It does go back to my FOO and childhood - no big surprise!)

So instead of focusing on BPD - the direction of my research has changed significantly to myself, codependency and in building up my tattered self-worth.  I have found that the youtube podcasts by Kris Godinez also really helped to turn things around for me too.  She is a salty, no-nonsense therapist who just cuts straight to the heart of things (she is blunt to a fault and curses like a sailor so be warned!). Her direct style just really works for me.

I think I could research BPD to the ends of the earth and never truly get my head around it.  I do NOT pine for my ex - he was verbally, emotionally, psychologically and physically abusive to me out of nowhere for absolutely no reason.  I do not want to waste any more of my life on him - I resent that I spent the better years of my life with him - he is not worthy and did not deserve the tiniest fraction of the love, support and loyalty that I poured into him at my own expense for so long.  Darned if I'm gonna waste any more time thinking about him anymore than I have to 

Hang in there,
B

[gadget]

Hi baglady,

I’ll have you and Red5 as my roller coaster buddies anytime!   

Sorry for what you went through with your ex.  I know the behaviors.  My situation wasn’t physical.  I started listening to Kris Godinez.  I like her.  Can’t wait to hear more.  I’m sure it will help me.  Thanks for that tip!

For me it’s hard with my wife because it isn’t me that she’s running from.  We get along well.  Still do.  Just no talk of us right now.  It’s all due to the Compassionate Caregiver Overload.  But yet she’s running from living with me and my special son.

Gadget