DBT triggering?

[Masang M]

Has anyone had a spouse in DBT? My bpdH started 7-8 weeks ago and the last couple of sessions have been triggering causing a bit of a roller coaster. Th positives is he is recognizing them and will use his tools. I’m trying to use mine as well but tonight I did feel on the edge of tears as he was being a bit of a jerk, not raging just a jerk.
I’m hoping someone has had a so that has gone through DBT and let me know if this is typical? I’m feeling like it could get a little bumpy before it gets better.

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[once removed]

let me know if this is typical

change is hard. although DBT is not the same as psychotherapy, therapy can reveal things to ourselves that arent necessarily comfortable. when we learn a new way of doing things, it brings the old ways into question.

yes. expect ups and downs.

we have two really great articles on what therapy is like, what you can expect, and how you can support your husband:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-to-get-borderline-into-therapy
https://bpdfamily.com/content/support-child-therapy

I’m trying to use mine as well but tonight I did feel on the edge of tears as he was being a bit of a jerk, not raging just a jerk.

what happened?

[Masang M]

We were shopping and I picked a couple of things out that he didn’t like and made very rude comments about it. Totally out of character for him. He has addressed it with his therapist and she brings up inner child which is a big trigger for him. He is starting to recognize it and has started to use his tools. His therapist also helped him to see he was in crisis and should reach out to her when that happens. Fortunately the spiral has stopped.

[Radcliff]

I know things can be discouraging, and I'm sorry for that.  But wow, that's fantastic that he's in DBT and is using his tools!  Interrupting the typical BPD patterns and using the tools is a major victory for both you and him.  Are you giving him positive feedback about his progress?  How does he react?

RC

[Masang M]

Yes I do give positive feedback most the time. Today was the exception. When I’m exhausted his black/white thinking gets the best of me and I get frustrated and don’t use my tools. I’m sure that will get better as I learn new skills too.

[Radcliff]

That's great to hear that you're giving positive feedback.  With time the tools become easier to use.  You'll find yourself able to use them in tougher situations, and still able to use them even when you're at less than your best.  But no matter how much experience we have, there's still a point of fatigue and frustration where we'll slip.  Hopefully with time, you'll hit it less often.  What tools have had the biggest impact for you?

RC

[Masang M]

Setting boundaries and to stop JADEing so far. I’m still learning every day. I think the biggest challenge is he’s kept everything internal and now it’s becoming external. Some days it feels I can’t say anything right because he takes it as a negative. It’s a little exhausting.

[Radcliff]

Boundaries and avoiding JADE are my favorite tools because they can help so much.  I can relate to the times it feels like you can't say anything that doesn't upset them.  My pwBPD seems to have a hair trigger sometimes, but I've found that there are definitely things about the way I say things that can be changed and get better results.  Have you heard about the idea of starting sentences with "I" instead of "you?"

RC

[Masang M]

Yes I usually start with I, every once and a while I start with you and catch myself. The other thing I have stopped doing is using exaggeration words like always, never, these ones are harder habits but I’m working on it. My therapist gave me another tool my therapist gave me was I think this is what I heard. This has helped because it is neutral for us.
I think my biggest struggle still is that I believe life is a choice and my pwbpd has tools and when he chooses not to use them I get frustrated. I usually ask for space and try to regroup.

[Radcliff]

It sounds like you're doing great.  I was just re-reading that he's only 8 weeks into DBT!  That's just a start.  Keep supporting him and reinforcing how much you appreciate it when you find him doing something that's working better.  Things will get better and worse, it won't be a smooth journey, but hopefully the trend is upward.  It took years to get here, so it will take a long time to make things better.

Stepping away to regroup is a great tool.  How does he respond when you do this?  What do you say?

RC

[Masang M]

Thank you for the encouragement, sometimes I feel like I'm really messing this up and not being supportive at all. I'm solution orientated so when I see a problem and the tools available to fix it I get frustrated when the tools are not used. I am trying really hard to remember this is an illness and it will take a while for him to brutalize them regularly. I also realize that I am co-dependent so working out what that means to me.
As for walking away, I simply say "stop" this is more for me then him, I let him know that I am JADEing and I'm not going to do that and that I need space. I let him know I am not leaving him I just need to walk away. Sometimes I need space for a little bit sometimes longer, I think I need longer because I have a lot on my plate, I'm working full time going to school to get a double major in an accelerated format, volunteer and still be mom. Sometimes, I don't have anything left, he has tools and he knows how to use them properly so I'm ok with not spiraling with him. Sometimes he understands sometimes he pouts. I know it will get better as he continues with DBT then he starts trauma therapy which will be great because he gets stuck in the past which causes a lot of our challenges.

[Radcliff]

OK, so seriously you are doing fantastic.  The way in which you're stepping away, making it about you and not him, is a great way to try to make it as non-threatening as possible to him.  You're also using boundaries to take care of yourself, which will help keep you able to be there for him without burning out.   

Wow, you have a lot on your plate!  When do you graduate?

RC

[Masang M]

The goal is next December then I will start my masters program.

[Radcliff]

The goal is next December then I will start my masters program.

Excellent!

How have things been going the last couple of days?  Have any specific problems or hiccups occurred?

RC

[Masang M]

Better, we had a very stressful morning due to a former landlord and bpdh did pretty well. There were just a couple of moments that I could he was getting slightly irritated. In fairness I would have too and he did better then I would have done. I did let him handle everything and didn't step in which I have a tendency to do, it made me wonder if I have under estimated his ability to do things. I'm learning something new everyday.

[Radcliff]

Wow, that's great that you're able to be mindful about stepping in, and he's able to handle things better than you expected.  Many of us members have found ourselves feeling like caretakers, and some eventually feel that bending over backwards to keep their pwBPD calm can actually deprive them of growth opportunities.

How does he feel about his progress?  Is he able to appreciate it?

RC

[Masang M]

Sometimes, he is determined to get better and he is still uncomfortable with compliments, sometimes he reacts as though I’m making fun of him. Or he blows it off. I’m sure it will get better as his self esteem improves

How do you handle black and white thinking when it’s something important? I don’t know why nor does he but our hometown is triggering to him we have family there so we on occasion do go back. Some events in our lives that happened there were stressful but ended positively for us. However when we talk about them he is very black and white about it and he thinks it may be part of his trigger.

[Radcliff]

That's a good question about black and white thinking.  You probably know it's a common characteristic of BPD, and I believe it's also a teaching topic in DBT.  Does he acknowledge that he sometimes engages in black and white thinking?  One approach might be to engage in partial validation, where you validate the emotion behind the black and white thinking.  Perhaps even ask him more about how he's feeling.  Make him feel your support.  Then, perhaps, a gentle question, like "were there any good things that came out of that for you?"  Keep in mind, though, that this is a delicate game.  It's his healing journey, and if you burden yourself with it or push him to move faster than he is ready, it can be counterproductive.

RC

[Masang M]

Yes most the time he does see that he is thinking black and white. Before we knew about BPD we use to get in huge fights over it. Most of the time He comes around fairly quick now To  be honest, I’m not always the best at validation. I definitely need to work at it. I do tend to ask why he’s thinking the way he is.

Since starting this new therapy it has brought out new and not so great behaviors. I’m grateful we are down to the kiddie roller coaster

[Radcliff]

That's really helpful that he has the self awareness to know that he's seeing in black and white.  Low self awareness can be a serious problem, so this is an asset you have on your side. 

What "not so great" behaviors are emerging?

RC

[Masang M]

An obsession to get home for supper, I have a feeling this is from his trauma he hasn’t realized it yet. When he gets really anxious he stats talking or singing non stop. As I write this both times had to do with time and him needing to get home. I know things will get better, I just loose patience sometimes

[Radcliff]

When his behaviors are making you uncomfortable, what works for you to find patience?

RC

[Masang M]

If in public I ask him to go shopping in another part of the store or I have him stay in the car and work through one of his tools. If we are driving and private I ask him
What is he feeling.

[Radcliff]

I was more thinking about how you manage your thoughts and feelings to find patience.  The last thing you mentioned may be related to what I was inquiring about.  Asking him about his feelings is a way to be open to him, stepping back from an assertive position to listen.  I can see how that might help with feelings of patience, if you're able to make that shift.  Are there other things that help you?

RC

[Masang M]

Sometimes not so great, old feelings/fears still pop up. I work hard to remember I can’t fix him, I’m not his therapist and it’s not my job. If I’m really stuck I come to this board which is a great help.

[Radcliff]

That's great that you're being mindful.  It can be tough when we're tired or stressed.

If you're interested in other ways to develop your communications with your partner, the book The High Conflict Couple is a great read.  It was written by a BPD expert but doesn't mention BPD so that readers have the option of discussing it with their partners.

How have things been going lately? 

RC

[Masang M]

Thanks for the recommendation.

Things have been ok, I'm struggling a little with the various obsessions that are pooping up from DBT. For example he became obsessed with not spending money, we got through that one then it was time we would be out and all of a sudden his anxiety would kick in full force and he had to get home to make supper. This too has gotten better, these things are not things that have been problems in the past so when they pop up I tend to get impatient with them, fortunately I am able to talk to him about it and he takes it to group and therapy. I'm not sure why I get so impatient, I don't with anyone else, I'm wondering if it comes from an unconscious place of resentment and anger? I understand he is not doing any of this on purpose and he truly is trying my reaction is my own and I should really explore it more. 

[Radcliff]

That's fantastic that he's taking things to group and to therapy.  That kind of receptiveness to treatment is rare, and a positive sign.  You've got some good insights on your reactions being your own, and perhaps resentment or anger building up.  Sometimes when things get better, resentments and hurts we've been stuffing down may come bubbling up.

You're putting a lot of energy into your own growth and in supporting him.  That can be stressful.  Are you taking time to do joyful things on your own or with friends?  If you're recharging elsewhere, perhaps that would help with the patience.  Do you have any other thoughts on coping with resentment and anger?  Simply talking about it can help.  Feel free to share resentments and things you feel angry about with us if you like.

RC