Have I heard others here say don’t rescue your BPD partner?

[gadget]

My wife who has been gone 3 months now texted me today and said “I’m going to have to get new tires.  One won’t hold air.  I have stopped several times to put stuff in it”.

The old me that always wants to help her, save her from trouble wanted to say you can get new ones and put it on my Discount Tire card, but I didn’t.

I said “Crap.  I’m sorry to hear that”

Does that sound like a good response?  Not rescuing her?  Letting her figure it all out and pay for it herself?

Gadget

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[Dave89]

Hi, gadget,

I don´t know if that would be helpful, but
I had rescued my wife an infinite number of times. How did it work out? She never learned to take responsibility and that kept her being like an infant. I was robbing her of learning how to live and experience her own shortcomings and problems of this world in general. She also always knew she can come back and have herself sheltered to me after doing crazy stuff while separated.

It was the cycle that her mother started, she was overprotective, so I was next one to go the same path.

I know is hard as hell to change your actions when you see your closest person is having a rough time, but think about how we need to be exposed to problems to grow and we need to learn how to fix them by ourselves. Well, that includes our spouses. We let them face their problems because we know, they CAN fix it themselves and by doing that, grow and feel good about it. Our partner may not even know how tough she can become. We only should intervene if a)they cannot do it themselves or b)by doing that more good than bad will come out of it, but we have to be careful about b) because very often our own judgment could be wrong.

I also meditated some time ago on what Jordan Peterson once said: "Thriving in the face of suffering and malevolence is accomplished by strength, not protection".

I have the same problem and now are learning in baby steps to move toward a more balanced attitude, so that I stop playing the person who knows the best, because I may very well not, we're all ignorant on some level at least. And even if sometimes I do know the best solution, that doesn't mean that it would be the ONLY solution, my partner could have chosen other way around and maybe even faced some problems along the way because of that, but that is just a learning curve we all need to go through. Now that you are living alone it is much easier to practice changing your rescuer attitude.  I would say, good job!

[gadget]

Thanks Dave89!

I hope it helps her to grow.  Hard to understand that I was always bad by protecting her from all these things and doing them for her.  I’ll let you know what comes of this.  She has not responded after my text.  I will see her when she comes tomorrow to watch my son when I have therapy.

Gadget

[Radcliff]

I may have a slightly different take on this.  It depends on how you have things set up.  If it's important for her to be financially independent, that may be a consideration.  If it's important for her to be able to navigate the world of tires, that may be another consideration.

In any long relationship, people adapt and take on more of what they're strong in and let the partner handle things they're less good at.  We specialize and complement each other.  This can be a nice part of a healthy relationship.

Regarding boundaries, remember, boundaries are about protecting ourselves.  If she's demanding you leave a work meeting to solve her problem right away, that'd be a good place for a boundary.  But if it's a gentle ask, and you see a reasonable way to help her like pointing her to the right tire store, or even better, going with her to the tire store to help her figure out the best solution, then go for it.  Because...

You'd like to get back together with her, right?  The name of the game is accumulating experiences together that are positive for her.  You don't want to overdo it and pursue her, but being thoughtful about opportunities to create positive experiences can be very helpful.  Think of it like courtship with boundaries.  Within reason, it's OK to work a bit to woo her.  Does that make sense?

RC

[gadget]

Thanks RC that does make sense.

These days she wants zero of my help.  But, if she were to ask me what tire size she has, what store to go to, etc, then I will help for sure.

I do want her back.

Gadget

[Radcliff]

Maybe go to the store with her and buy her lunch afterward 

Another way to strengthen a connection with someone is to show genuine interest in them.  The safest way is to make an observational statement, like, "Hey, it looks like you got your hair done, it's nice!" or "It seemed like you really connected with Son today."  If they are receptive to more, you can ask questions.  Questions can sometimes be perceived as a demand for info, but you can ask one and see how it goes.  Perhaps a question about an activity that she enjoys.  Sometimes a person's receptivity to questions will depend a lot on their mood.

Because you're separated, it's very easy to grow apart.  You'll need to be creative to figure out how to bridge that gap without being eager enough that she withdraws.

RC

[gadget]

I like it RC!

I'll add all those things to my thought processes.  Before I always told her how beautiful / gorgeous she was, but she never took compliments well.  I do think she is down on herself and has body image issues.
 Maybe now I can sneak one or two in here and there now that I'm not saying them to her on a daily basis

Gadget

[Radcliff]

I had that not taking compliments well thing with my pwBPD, too.  She never believed me.  That's where neutral statements come in.  If you give too many compliments (and for some people one is too many ;) they may not believe you.  But you can stack up a ton of neutral observations.  Maybe instead of, "Hey, you got your hair done, I like it," just say, "Hey, you got your hair done," and flash a smile.  When clothes pick up or complement someone's eye color, that's another thing that catches my attention and can be a good excuse for a comment.  I was taught to do this with my daughter, and the therapist challenged me to try to fit several observations into the course of an interaction with her.

RC

[gadget]

Hi RC,

I discussed compliments in therapy last night.  I told my therapist I always told my wife, like daily, how beautiful she is.  My therapist said in this time in her life, with my wife heading towards 50, that now she needs to hear about how she is appreciated and needed more than how she looks.

She also told me in my interactions with her to stop saying “I’m sorry” when something goes wrong for her.  We all. Use “I’m sorry” so much it almost has no meaning anymore.  She says when my wife told me she needed new tires, instead of saying “I’m sorry”, I could say “You’re a very intelligent woman and I know you will figure it out”.  Or say that stinks.

Isn’t it so weird that we all now need a playbook on how to interact with our SO? 

Gadget

[Birddog]

Compliments are tricky, my wife has a hard time being loved. She doesn’t feel worthy of any compliments, comes from overly perfectionist grandmother with Great Depression mentality, and over smothering emotionally detached mother.

Her martyr Complex, kind of had to take a different approach, take the focus off of the constant doing, and telling her she is appreciated for who she is.

[Radcliff]

I wish someone had handed me a playbook on how to interact with an SO when I was 18!  “You’re a very intelligent woman and I know you will figure it out" might sound like a kiss-off.  "That stinks.  You've got this."  Or "That stinks.  Let me know if I can help" could both work.  "That stinks" or some variant can and should be used a lot.  They are the perfect things to say when your SO is unloading their frustrations of the day.  Just listening, empathizing, without judgement or problem solving.  Try an entire listening session where all you say is "that stinks," "what a bummer," "that sounds rough," etc.  It's astonishing how well it works sometimes.  Feeling listened to can have a powerful impact.

RC

[gadget]

I agree RC.  My wife always said I don't listen.  I don't hear what she is saying.  I'm trying to do better.  Maybe I didn't yet have the correct response words to her yet?

Gadget

[Radcliff]

Give it a try.  It takes practice to develop good listening skills.  Practice on others as well, like friends and family members.  She may or may not feel heard, even if you're doing a splendid job.  That's why it's helpful if you're practicing with others, too, to get varied feedback on whether you're listening skills are coming along.  All you can do is improve your part of it.  Female friends and relatives might be able to practice with you (women's standards tend to be higher. A guy friend might let you get away with just grunting ;)

RC