After the silence treatment, how to respond when she wants to talk?

[Lifeinthefastlane]

After a silent treatment, my ubpd g/f will often want to sshare her “feelings” ..usually its a list of personal attacks designed to hurt. She knows i wont listen if she yells/rages so they are said as normal as is acceptable.

The problem is i just cant listen/validate these anymore.  The emotional abuse of my past with others (and most def is too present). The things she says are just not connected to anything that started the silent treatment (the situation). So it just feels abusive-my heart pounds -i feel i am shaking-its PTSD.  I now understand these reactions as PTSD from my therapy. However my therapeutic plan is not to be in emotionally abusive situations/discussions that are not based in reality. The only way i might be able to do it is if i knew dhe would listen to me. I’m sorry i just dont see any healthy aspect to these relationships where  it is one-sided validation anymore.

Without going into detail about something going on serious in my life -not involving her-... she knows 100pct that these actions on her part are harming me seriously and not supportive.

When/if the time comes, i cant listen to personal hurtful things from her.(based on my own emotional/physical health).what do I do?

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[Birddog]

Going through similar, my T voiced same concerns and my SO is brushing off PTSD and Diagnosis.

So things out of my control:

Spouse understanding/ empathy for my condition. Having zero stress and staying in relationship Stop 100% devaluation/abuse

Things in control:

Setting limits on duration before disengaging Disengaging until symptoms under control, letting spouse know  okay via call/email okay after disengaging. Give clear limits on covering same ground with no resolution,  avoiding no win conversations

I think zero stress is unavoidable.

Do you see some better coping strategies can try during conversations, recognizing the triggers, awareness devaluation is maladaptive behavior, so can stay in a few of the conversations in a healthier way.

Are you able to exit the conversation effectively, work on reengaging when things settle, maybe offer some Reassurement?

Interested in your thoughts, this is a problem area for me as well.

[Lifeinthefastlane]

Thanks @Birddog  ... wise ideas there. I like how you broke it up to what you can control and can’t control.

I dont think I can do this well.

She called tonight. I waited an hr until I could stop shaking before calling her back.

It took a while of small talk..at one point she wanted me to share an update on some serious yhings going on in my life.. i said i didnt want to talk about it b/c it was late.. but truth is she doesnt get that until i trust her again.. she asked how my weekend was and i was honest “not so good” ..couldnt believe she automatically assumed it was this serious stuff.. not her silent punishment for sharing feelings and then ghosting me at a time i would need support.

 and then Her voice changed and we started to talk about what happened.. i tried SET and it went okay..  i can’t imagine what it must have been like to see that at my ipad. To not have any idea what it meant nor the context etc.. I’m sorry you went through that.”

I didn’t apologize for searching for help on my own ipad which is what I was doing.. she said that’s all she wanted.. an applogy.. etc but it went on of course.

She berated me for being too nice.. she doesn’t like it and it really upsets her... this was connected to me respecting her space. She said how is that supposed to help her and make her feel better ... i knew what she was talking about but didnt say anything (eg she wanted me to chase and i didn’t) ..i eespected her silence.. i did ask if she could give me a time (24, 48 hrs, a week etc).. i validated her need for space amd she argued with me.. so i listened for 7 mins straight. She went off on me— i’m not perfect.. etc  she contradicted herself a lot. This whole fight started when she asked me last week what I was feeling when i searched my ipad.. so i answered with my feelings..  well tonight she said she asked “what was going on” not “what i was feeling”... and went off on me for sharing my feelings..  later in the conversation she contradicted herself and said “i asked your feelings and..”  she said she always validates my feelings.. and i said “not that night”.. its the personal stuff that hurts - she ays i take her self respect and she had to protect it. Etc.. i’m thinking what the hell is she talking about?  In the end, she refused to apologize as she did nothing wrong. 

I cant believe the consistency of the patterns.. she going off on me saying she cant keep taking this... etc.. really it was mean and hurtful.. i’m the one taking it...

I think its possible that she wanted me to bave text’d her i loves her during her silence..  i didnt because i diidnt feel it..and i haven’t said it tonight..

We ended the call okay and she said maybe we could talk again another time. 

A part of me wants to text it b/c she didnt answer the call when I called again..

She had valid points and i acknowledged them.. lately i have been saying “ you never...” and it hurts her because (in her mind) she is the most supportive person in the world and gets angry whenever i share “im not feeling supported”

Whats scary is that she straight out aaid that she’s not the person to validate my feelings or something like that. And then of course later says she validates all the time. Its awful.. honestly its so hard talking to someone who keeps contradicting themselves and saying they are 100pct right..

I really want to one day talk about the real issue—well one of them- that her model of relationships is her parents fighting..
Thats what she really wants.. and something i refuse..

I dont know whats next.. she said “i cant keep going thru this pattern of her silence, then im all nice, and then... interestly she SAID the pattern but denies it every other time..

My gut tells me get out!  My heart tells me i know she is in there and this other person will hopefully go away soon.. but then what? I dont trust her..

I’m proud of myself though fir saying a few things I need:
-time frame for silent/space times (even if its to check in)
-remembering some things from our therapy
-acknowledging to myself i cant move in with her like this (though inhave no idea how to bring that up)
-realizing the need to validate constantly (thiugh i’ll still get yelled at)
-not saying my needs really..

Well what do you think?

What do I do next? I have to function and i’m not.. i get chest pains and have trouble sleeping..

[Birddog]

Have a lot of the same conversations with my SO,  reading Stop Walking on Eggshells really hit home for me, started recognizing the patterns you are mentioning.  Was kind of like an ah ha moment for me in how to proceed with my current relationship.

-acknowledging to myself i cant move in with her like this (though inhave no idea how to bring that up)

Just understand where you are at,  moving in at this point probably will increase difficulty until resolve some of the issues, it doesn't get easier with kids.

-not saying my needs really..

Keep it simple when you express, window and processing time for BPD is very short.

What do I do next? I have to function and i’m not.. i get chest pains and have trouble sleeping..

Take this to your T.  Chest pains are from wounds to inner self, need some time to sit with those feelings,  understand them without judgement. It's painful at first, but once work through and start accepting those feelings, will have a clearer mind in how to proceed.  I guarantee you will feel like crap working through those feelings, but end result will be healthier in long run.  See a couple other threads here on "Radical Acceptance".