Part 2: And just like that she is back in my life.

[bated]

Mod Note:  this thread is a continuation of https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=339393.0;all

what did she say in her apology?

why ignore it?

I feel I did not do a good job of answering the above.  I made it clear that I did not want an apology over text message.  In the past exgfBPD has only really been hurtful in text messages however in person or on the phone she is a lot more reasonable.  My value is that you should always show respect to others and as she has not shown me respect via text messages, I have set a boundary which is she needs to call me.

This is why I am ignoring it.

While it is hard not being in contact with her as I do miss her,  I have found it much easier this time with the support and suggestions from people on this site.  I also think having self respect helps a lot with this.

I continue to care about her and I do hope that she contacts me.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

hey guys. the idea of "setting boundaries" can be inherently misleading.

The need for better “boundaries” is advice often given when someone complains about how another person has been treating them.

“Help, my girlfriend isn’t treating me well. Now she is giving me the silent treatment.”

“Well, friend, you need to set some boundaries”.

“You’re right, I have bad boundaries.”

From this discussion one might believe that if we are angry and say "no more" or even walk out that our girlfriend (or other loved one) will change their ways and all will be well. That's not what this is about.

 
The Idea of "Setting Boundaries" is Misleading

The terminology of "setting boundaries" is misleading and often mistaken to mean "giving an ultimatum." It is true that issuing ultimatums can be part of this life skill and at times, very necessary, however it's only one aspect of this life skill.

When we speak of the boundaries we are really speaking about our personal values and our need to get them in focus and live with more conviction. This is a lifestyle, not a quick fix to an interpersonal squabble.

This is an important point that is often overlooked.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries

ignoring someone when they dont do what we ask (more specifically how we ask) is at best an ultimatum, at worst a power play. especially in order to extract an apology or teach a lesson.

she threatened a restraining order. this isnt a position from which to try to command respect.

its the place to make difficult assessments of where this is going, how far it is has deteriorated, and if it has any hope of recovering, how.

[bated]

ignoring someone when they dont do what we ask (more specifically how we ask) is at best an ultimatum, at worst a power play. especially in order to extract an apology or teach a lesson.

she threatened a restraining order. this isnt a position from which to try to command respect.

its the place to make difficult assessments of where this is going, how far it is has deteriorated, and if it has any hope of recovering, how.

Hi Once Removed,

Just to be clear my message to her was something like: I am not doing this via text. I am happy to talk on the phone.

So what do you recommend I do then?

[once removed]

my point is more about the bigger picture than phone vs text.

you want her back. she sent an apology. you ignored the apology, but are still hoping she will talk to you.

its the overall outlook and approach that doesnt work, particularly in this stage of a relationship.

what do you want to do? you drew a line. are you prepared to go back on it? was it constructive, rigid, reasonable, unreasonable, in alignment with or counter to your goals?

either way you look at it, you have a difficult choice. i think determining what you ultimately want to accomplish can guide what to do.

what do you think?

[bated]

I don't think I am prepared to reach out to her.  She was incredibly rude which she has admitted in the past she does on purpose i.e. calculated hurtful statements.  Also, she only ever does this via text message so I am not sure why setting this boundary is that bad?  Her text was a one liner: I'm sorry.

Her words to me in the past have always been I am much better in person than over text. Is requesting a conversation on the phone rather than text not a reasonable request?  Are you saying because she has BPD that I should soften my approach?

[once removed]

Are you saying because she has BPD that I should soften my approach?

no.

im saying if you want her back, you should rethink your approach.

I don't think I am prepared to reach out to her.

okay. are you prepared to be done and never speak to her again?

[bated]

im saying if you want her back, you should rethink your approach.

What would your approach be?

[bated]

So having given what you said some thought I sent a text saying apology accepted - it was not fair of me to force an apology on my terms.

She acknowledged my text but her tone was very dismissive and not engaging at all.  I immediately felt the return of some anxiety so I am not sure if I made the right decision.  I guess time will tell.  I am going NC from now

I honestly think my original insecurity was a trigger for her and I believe I have been devalued or split black as a result.

[bated]

I found this article on splitting very helpful.

I hope it helps others.

[ColdKnight]

What did she say if you don’t mind me asking. If you’d rather not say, I understand.

How long did you wait to acknowledge her apology?

[bated]

Basically said enjoy your life and focus on you. Wished me well and that was it.

[once removed]

I sent a text saying apology accepted - it was not fair of me to force an apology on my terms.

that seems reasonable.

Basically said enjoy your life and focus on you. Wished me well and that was it.

she said this in response?

its ideal to be on good terms. let that grow into a seed, and let the ice thaw.

[bated]

its ideal to be on good terms. let that grow into a seed, and let the ice thaw.

I am a doubter Once Removed but will happily be proved wrong on this occasion.  I will update if anything changes.

[bated]

Unbelievable.  Just had some much warmer messages! Dare I become a believer?

[once removed]

whats going on? whatd she say?

[bated]

Just updated me on her weekend and said some really nice things about me.  Not back together or anything but felt like warmth and dare I say hope?

[ColdKnight]

That’s good news!

[once removed]

its a good development. stay centered, though. this relationship has deteriorated a lot over time. just days ago she threatened a restraining order, and the two of you are on a hair trigger; it wouldnt take much for things to go badly.

keep it soft, light, upbeat, fun. dont over pursue, and id avoid discussion about the relationship itself (if it comes up, id bring it here and get some feedback).

end on a high note. doing so helps the ice thaw, builds good will.

[ColdKnight]

“keep it soft, light, upbeat, fun. dont over pursue, and id avoid discussion about the relationship itself (if it comes up, id bring it here and get some feedback).”

I agree 100 %. Stay away from any drama that you might interject. 

[bated]

So what is my next move? Give it a few days and  text her or wait for her to text me?

[ColdKnight]

If you don’t mind me asking what was her last text? Was is something that required a response and how does she react when you are “in a relationship” and you don’t text back right away?

If you would rather not say what the text was I understand.

[bated]

The conversation ended with nothing really to follow up on.

GF blew up once when I did not respond although the battery on my phone died and I was away.  GF followed up her text with an email telling me she loved me and hoped I was having a good time.

When I eventually managed to get some power for my phone I saw her text and responded.   She accused me of cheating on her and that she did not like that I traveled for work.  Nothing could have been further from the truth.  I had been telling a good friend just how great she was and how I thought she was the one.

[ColdKnight]

I would think about this all the time when we were still talking.
“When she does text me after not hearing from her how will I respond?”

One of the things I was doing was following advice from online dating videos that said “the phone is for setting dates only, texting and talking lowers attraction”

So every time I would hear from her I would try to set a date. The idea being that every time they reach out you set a date to see them. This is supposed to encourage them to keep reaching out.

Looking back now I wonder if these coaches are giving bad advice with regards to even normal people much less pwBPD. One guy charges 1000.00 per hour and he isn’t a licensed therapist at all. A licensed therapist only charges 150-250 bucks an hour. No I did not spend 1000.00 to talk to him. (I wrote a post a while back on dating coach advice and how it applies to pwBPD)

Back to my point...had I to do it again I would not have continued to suggest getting together. It seemed like this triggered her engulfment fears. I feel like she wanted to be the one to set up the meet and have it be on her terms. She is the one who asked me out and set up our first date. She seemed to get anxiety whenever I would suggest we get together. However, she gave me the silent treatment for a week one time because texted me out of the blue to come over and I was already hanging out with a friend.

So if it were me I would respond with something light and super non relationship based that she will appreciate. Something like “hey you, good to hear from you. I was just thinking about you”

That’s just how I would respond.  That may not be the right approach for you.

[once removed]

So what is my next move? Give it a few days and  text her or wait for her to text me?

i think that if you have something to share, something light, something organic that would ordinarily cause you to want to share with her, it would be good.

otherwise, i dont think how much time passes is a very urgent thing. ending on a good note + time can go a long way toward thawing the ice.

[bated]

So today is a significant day for me personally.  I won't go into the reason why.

My dBPDexgf did contact me first thing and we had a polite exchange of text messages.  She was a bit engaging and asked a fair number of questions.  The exchange felt very different to what we normally would have had.  There was nothing negative but I do find it hard to know where I stand.

What I have found very useful is being mindful.  Just accepting the feelings I have and not letting them overwhelm me.  If I feel anxious I try to accept it and tell myself it is ok to feel anxious and this tends to significantly reduce the anxiety.

I am trying not to second guess myself around where "we" stand.  This is the hardest part.

[once removed]

What I have found very useful is being mindful.  Just accepting the feelings I have and not letting them overwhelm me.  If I feel anxious I try to accept it and tell myself it is ok to feel anxious and this tends to significantly reduce the anxiety.

this is good. fighting anxiety tends to make it worse.

I am trying not to second guess myself around where "we" stand.  This is the hardest part.

generally speaking, women will tend to take the lead in letting us know, or pushing for commitment. easier said than done, but play it cool, and let her lead.

[Harri]

This thread reached the post limit and has been locked and split.  Part 3 is here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=339591.msg13077114#msg13077114

Thank you.