Hi MommyinTN
I can hear your frustration and concern. It's such an added layer of stress when you have a young family and other responsibilities in your life...
Is it realistic for me to hope for a relationship with her for me and my kids?
A relationship is probably realistic, but maybe it will look a little different than the way you are currently envisioning it? (if she is BPD)
Our situations are all unique. I am 57, and my uBPD mom is an 83 yr old waif type. I finally hit my bottom with her this summer, and it forced me to accept the fact that I had to completely let go of my expectations of her, and be the one to change, or else go crazy, or move away. I was actually at the point where I kept talking with my husband about moving away from town just to get away from my 83 yr old mother...she was always inside my head...and it was torture. As a first step, I have spent the summer educating myself about BPD, and it has led me to a lot of realizations, including that I need to use new communication skills with her. I have spent a lot of time on this website with the resources offered about tools and strategies for managing relationships with BP's. I have also read "stop walking on eggshells", and the "DBT workbook" (Dialectical Behavior Therapy), and have ordered some other books which I hope to "eventually" get around to reading. I feel that if I am willing to change how I interact with her because I better understand her BPD, I can maybe have "some kind" of relationship with her...? But it will not ever look like the relationships my friends have with their non-BP mothers. That's just a fact, and I've simply accepted it. Finding this website and community has made a huge difference for me, because I no longer feel alone with this problem.
While I don't know, I am hopeful that while relationships with BPD's pose extra challenges, they have the best chance of working if the non-BP's make some effort to acquire new skills to work with the extra challenges. I was pretty desperate for some answers and solutions to my uBPD mom problem so learning about BPD is helping me, because I was ready to run from her. Having said that, my cousin, who's mom is sister to my mom, has been completely N/C with her mom for about 7 years now, and likely to stay that way. Every situation is a little different, and always evolving I suspect. I also believe her situation was worse than mine.
My dad is completely in on this. Are enablers capable of believing this crap? Is it just for his survival? Why does he help her carry out her plans that hurt us? (Stalking, nasty mail, emails, etc)
My dad did this too sometimes. My parents were married over 50 years. To make a long story short, I feel my dad was a really good person (his good qualities are probably the reason why I'm non-BP), loved his wife unconditionally, and believed his role as a husband was to support her. She often treated him terribly. He always forgave her. Towards the end of his life, he was diagnosed with dementia. She couldn't handle the stress, wouldn't accept help, and became abusive towards him. One day early in his dementia, he asked me to take him to the Dr. and told his story to a young Dr. The Dr listenened and told him, "it sounds like your wife has BPD." I can't explain why our fathers supported their wives in some of their hurtful behaviors towards us kids, but in the case of my father, I think he just, over time, became accustomed to her behaviors, which when repeated over years, became "normalized". Maybe they get too tired too fight. A lot of the time, my dad never knew the "whole" story, but only what "she told him". BP's twist things a lot to get support from their partner. Our father's had to survive in that relationship. My dad would have never considered leaving my mom, for all kinds of reasons not worth going into here. Why our father's go along with it...to avoid conflict and survive? I live across town from my 83 year old mother, and I was feeling like the only answer was to run. My dad stayed in that marriage for over 50 years, until he died. They do what they gotta do to survive I think. This is just a possible perspective to your 2nd question.
What happens when they truly isolate themselves? Except for dad she’s got no one. Her latest threats to me bring in the family doctor or our mutual occasional house cleaner. She’s lost all of her family clout.
This doesn't sound good. How long has she been isolating herself for? Is she depressed? Does she have the skills (social or otherwise) to get involved in her community? eg. join bowling, senior's club, church organization, coffee group, quilting group? Does she have friends? Have you thought about talking to the Dr yourself (about your concerns for her, as well as for yourself)? I did this with my Dr (my mom and I also share the same Dr), and I got complete and total unconditional support from my doc when I shared a piece of my story. Have to be careful though...my mom doesn't know she is BP...and so I made it perfectly clear to my Doc that if he used any of the info I gave him with my mom, she would know I spoke to him about her, and my life would be a living hell (beyond what it already was). He assured me he understood, and reminded me he is bound to patient-doctor confidentiality. However, it's a risk everyone has to weigh on their own, because mistakes happen by doctors too, sometimes innocently. He gave me a referral to see a counsellor, but I couldn't wait the 3-12 months via that route, and found my own counsellor who I am very happy with. Your mother could also be isolating as a test, in which case she will figure her own way out of it, and "self preserve" as Pursuing Joy put it.
Those are just a few thoughts in response to your 3 questions. I hope I didn't write too much. Hopefully it is supportive for you. I'm feeling for you. It's tough when you have this going on with a young family. The most important thing is to look after yourself first. We mom's tend to be self-sacrificing and put everyone else first, but it's not a strategy that supports our own "well being". Find some time for yourself (hot bath, physical activity, coffee with a friend), and balance that with your responsibilities as a wife and mother to your own children. We can't help others if we are coming apart at the seams ourselves. Give yourself permission for self-care! Hang in there.
