Moving from BPD mom's house

[Mooberry]

Finally leaving her home.

I got physically ill.  She became aware of my exit yesterday, and today she eavesdropped on a convo with my brother and heard me call her crazy, splitting, and she talks bad about my husband in front of me and the kids...

She has been abusing me verbally since.  Yelling, screaming, saying irrational statements, poor me statements, causing the kids to sob by just mistreating them.

My exit means she WILL have to sell her home.  Now, I and my 4 siblings still will be contributing a total of 2300 plus her social security is 2500... she is 71. 

I just need support in staying hold of this process. 

Is it ok to leave with 2 weeks or a month notice? Or less? At this point, I can no longer stand the verbal attacks, the games, the threats... a 2200 sq ft home where I am confined to a 300 sqft space because she fills up the house with her emotional instability.

I'm ok, right? I'm doing the ok thing? I am 32, married with 2 kids.  This is expected and normal, right?

My inner state is in panic, and I feel ill. 

[Harri]

Hi Mooberry.     Good to see you again.

Making decision like you have done here, choosing to protect yourself and your own family is not always easy.  I think you have chosen well here.

My exit means she WILL have to sell her home.  Now, I and my 4 siblings still will be contributing a total of 2300 plus her social security is 2500... she is 71.

Wow.  So she will still have quite a bit of support from all of you.  That is excellent.  I am almost sure she is struggling with feelings of abandonment here and I can sympathize with that.  It does not change the fact that this move is necessary for the health and well being of your own family.  You have a right to an independent life and freedom for verbal and emotional abuse.  It is okay to leave an unhealthy situation Mooberry.

I would give as much notice as feasible.  Do you have a place waiting for you all? 

This is expected and normal, right?
My inner state is in panic, and I feel ill.

I think your reaction is expected given the relationship, the history of abuse and where you are inn recovery.  Heck I think anyone would feel some anxiety.  Your feelings will pass eventually.  Work through them by breathing exercises, distraction exercises, meditation, whatever works.  Do not act on your anxiety in terms of changing your plan.  Just make sure your plan is feasible.

That said, what is your plan?

[Mooberry]

Update:

Move scheduled for Saturday.  Trying to stay away out of house till then.

I was pregnant, but it seems to be that I am mid-miscarriage.  I find out tomorrow if that is what's happening.  The stress has made me feel so sick.

Rough.  I'm stable, but woah, even Saturday feels far away.

[Harri]

Oh Mooberry, I am so sorry to hear that.  Please keep us posted on how you are doing.

We are here if you want to chat with someone.

[Avanzando]

What an irony. I am going through the exact same process of separation from my uNBPD mother... again. This time I felt it necessary not to notify her until the day I am leaving so she can’t sabotage my plans, and to give her a letter of explanation because she won’t be able to hear what I am saying... it’ll get too twisted in her anxiety.  Inwardly the thought of leaving is torture, but I know this relationship is not healthy for either of us.  I’m getting professional help but she refuses to believe she needs help and won’t acknowledge I’m not the one responsible for her rages and chaos. It’s just me though... I’m 39 and have no family of my own. I’ve seen statistics that say children of BP/NP parents usually begin seeking professional help around the age of 40 so you’re actually a bit ahead of the majority of us.  Maybe having a supportive husband helped you to notice the level of dysfunction early (it took my fiancé to stand up to mom for me to see the reality of the abuse in my ‘sheltered life’. My fiancé couldn’t take it anymore and left, but it was enough time for me to start seeing there were serious problems with Mom, and they weren’t being minimized anymore.). Like you, I’m spending most of my time away from Mom right now too. When I am near her I refuse to take responsibility for her projections and I won’t be manipulated and it’s making... triggering... her to be unstable in front of strangers (she just verbally assaulted 3 professionals the other day and I weaved between detachment, anxiety attack and self harm as an unconscious byproduct of her rage).  I also have plans to assist her from a distance, if she will allow me to, and in order to help her I will be starting my life small and simple, but it’s worth the sanity.  We’re doing all we can to help and it’s not enough.  Who knows, maybe by leaving you’ll trigger her to get professional help. That’s what I am hoping for.

I’m sorry you’re going through this and I am doubly sorry for your kids... another generation affected by someone who won’t get help for their insecurities and chaos. I’m sorry for the stress it has put on your baby; I hope your leaving will quickly heal/reverse the damage that is being done by your mom; especially for your unborn baby.  It’s a hard decision because your mom, like mine, has relied on you for so long it will be an emotional shock for her to make adjustments and be forced to contemplate on how her behavior is responsible for her loneliness and because, like me, you’re used to being her go-to person for every perceived crisis... even at the sacrifice of your own life.  Every time you get scared or anxious about leaving, think of the emotional state you’re in and what emotional state your kids will be in if you stay... I don’t have that kind of encouragement to see it through, but I am taking my dogs and cat with me for their own safety.  They’ve been greatly affected by Mom’s mood swings, I can only imagine how your kids are coping- crying is a natural response to the inner turmoil they feel.

Will you be living close or are you keeping a physical distance too?  For me, I feel physical distance is necessary so I don’t get manipulated back into the game. If I’m too far away to drive over at the drop of a dime she can’t take control again... if I was close I’m pretty sure I could be guilted into continuing subject to the abuse, emotional and physical.  I do plan to move closer one day but it depends on my emotional balance and her contribution to a responsibly peaceful relationship.  Until then she will have to learn how to communicate respectfully with others nearby to get practical help for her physical needs.

Either way, please give your kids and baby some extra hugs and a pet in my behalf; I have Auntie Fever and don’t get to see my nephews and niece. Please let us know about the baby. I’ll keep all of you in my prayers.