My 19 year old who has displayed issues since 3rd grade

[Idgie]

My life is consumed with working to support us and being there, helping, living with my 19 year old who has displayed issues since 3rd grade and the initial diagnosis of ADD. The years of various treatments, medications, diagnosis, hospitalizations, long term care and treatment, self-harming, and suicide attempts led to the last several years of focus on treatment for bipolar, psycho affective disorder, other issues that runs with all of that, and mention of borderline. She was recently officially diagnosed along with the other issues as BPD.   There have been 2 suicide attempts since then. The once bold outgoing girl who was involved in various activities, had many friends, and started collegiate classes in high schoolhas dramatically changed and both of our lives have shrinked. She has tried various types of schools and I hope the online one she is in now will lead to her diploma. Her inability to stay in school, and try to
Maintain a job for even a short time finally led after battles and appeals with a determination by Social Security that she has a disability. It was a nightmare for a while when I was unable to secure any insurance for her and I tiptoe through the SSI refs hoping I don’t misstep as her representative. I say this because I believe many can relate. I hope to connect, learn and help through this site. My main focus right now is connection in that other than work I feel very isolated in spite of attempts to reach out to loved ones and other organizations. I find it all very tiring, but when I realize what she goes through it motivates me to keep going for both our sakes.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Harri]

Hi and welcome to the board!

You are in the right place to connect with other parents who love a child with BPD.  I am glad you have reached out for help and support.

It sounds like your daughter has been through quite a bit and of course you as well.  Parenting a child with these issues is so difficult.  The parents here really understand and help each other learn new techniques that can aid communication as well as coping strategies.  I am sure one of them will be along shortly.  I do not typically post on this board but I wanted to say hello and see if there is anything I can help you with.

When you can, check out the following link which has a lot of excellent articles to read through: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=331689.0.  Settle in, post in other peoples threads and breath.  We get it here.

[cbusmom]

Welcome Idgie

So much info and experience here.

Good for you getting her on SSI. The insurance benefits alone are such a blessing for them to have.

[FaithHopeLove]

Hi Idgie
I join the others in welcoming you to the parenting group. Judging by your goals I agree with Harri that you are in exactly the right place. Even though this is cyberspace and we are all anonymous this is a very real community where we have very real love for each other. You will fit right in. It can be hard for friends who have never parented a child with BPD to understand what we go through. Here we do. We get it. What you are going through with your daughter is not unusual. Many of us have had the same or similar experiences. The good news is things can get better. The link Harri gave you is excellent. Where would you like to start on your learning journey? What are some of your most burning questions about BPD that we might help you with?
Hugs
Faith

[livednlearned]

Welcome and hello 

That's a lot to go through, Idgie. Nightmare is the right word to describe your journey. I'm glad you found us and reached out for support.

Being her only support puts a lot on your shoulders. Have you been able to take care of yourself?

Self care often feels selfish to those of us who have high needs or special needs kids. I found that my step daughter (22) sort of regulated her emotions through us so being grounded became a necessity and not a luxury. It can take some heroic shifts in habits and mindset to put my needs ahead of hers given how intense her needs are.

What is your daughter like? Does she have periods where she is relatively regulated?

[Bluemoon23]

Welcome and you are not alone. I too am struggling and being here and reading and posting has helped me with my isolation and shame.

I too watched my kiddo struggle. They managed to finish high school but have not done so well since then going on 7 years now. I pushed them to think about disability and they were recently accepted onto disability for 2 years. I was hoping this would be a catalyst for them figuring out the blocks and getting support to move on to going to school or working.

It may or may not work out but I've come to see they and only they have the power to make the choices for themselves.

I hope you continue to post and read and share as you continue your journey.

Hugs to you.

[Lola B]

Hello and welcome. My heart goes out to you. I too am a single parent of a troubled college age young adult. Never mind the terror of health insurance, the ability to get to work each day and not be distracted by dread is overwhelming. It is profoundly lonely, and since employment or emancipation seems elusive, it doesn’t have a foreseeable end. The disability system is tough. Just keep pressing.

What I have begun doing is responding with empathy like the video says. I also don’t react to absurd emotional outbursts. There is always another reason for them, usually fear or depression.

I have accepted that I will be lonely, and have social time on my phone and when she is not home. I always wanted a best friend partner, but that is not in the cards and I wanted a child more.

I think when life is over, it’s not about how many family picnics you had, it’s the change you made in the world. I have fought for change my whole life, and in my forties I’m learning how to tread gently to make more impact.

In my book, you are changing the world from your corner of it. Other people who have tackled big issues are not remembered for their picnics. They are remembered for the change they inspired or lives they bettered through personal pain.

[PeaceMom]

Lovely, Lola. Thank you for sharing this profound truth with us. We forget.