endless merry-go-round

[Tsunami Sailor]

I've been here now for a few months,  read a bit, and made a few contributions. I joined by posting my honest status to the "conflicted" board, but an administrator redirected me here. I actively do a lot with my life to ensure I'm taking care of myself with physical fitness, hobbies, and taking care of my family.  When my uBPDw flies off the handle, I bite my tongue, take a breath and try to manage the onslaught as calmly and objectively as possible.  When she's in a rage, most of her problems are my fault.  Aside from appearing to be a classic uBPD according to her counselor and me (issues related to grief, anger management, emotional unavailability - and no, the counselor has not formally assessed her), she is living through peri-menopause and recently diagnosed fibromyalgia. For around 20 years, she has not resolved the loss of her baby(previous husband) at childbirth, or the loss of her father to a chronic illness. She is in physical pain and emotional pain constantly.  She deals best with her issues when she escapes deep family commitments by either working on immersive creative projects, or when she does a lot of socializing with people whose interactions are very short and noncommittal.  Or her dog.  To her, no human could come close to the meaningfulness of an animal's love.  It wasn't always that way, or maybe it was.  I think she prized the idea of a successful relationship so much, she was able to hide the other demons for awhile.  We now have kids in 3rd and 4th grade. 

Over the past few years, she has been into and out of jobs, and now is taking time off due to fibromyalgia.  She spent the summer in a program that focused on depression, anger management and grief, and was exposed to some dbt tools.  I'm not sure how effective it was, and how much she would benefit from more, but things are not very good.  I would expect that going through the program, one would at least come out with some recognition that if you are unhappy, there are things going on inside yourself that you need to think about and control - I would have hoped that she would see that happiness can and should start from within.  Yet, she is constantly demanding that external factors need to be changed for her to have any chance of happiness (and to be nice).  With those changes, she would experience instant happiness, and there would be no turning back.  None of them are easy, or cheap.  I also know from experience that spending money does not buy more than a day's worth of her happiness.  Yet, she spends way more money than our budget allows, and still insists she needs more big projects done to give her peace and make her happy.  She does not threaten suicide, but almost every day complains that she feels like she is dying, and I am forcing her to live in a miserable, trapped existence.  This, despite the fact that the most important creature in her life, which I am very allergic to, is still with us.  Despite the fact that I listen to her and go to counseling to help her.  Despite the fact that I work full-time, plus take our kids to and from the bus stop every day, plus make breakfast and dinners, help with all homework, and take the family out whenever a dirty dish in the sink would overwhelm her.  Despite listening to her cry through her memories of losing her baby, the loss of her father, the loss of her previous marriage, and the countless comparisons to her previous husband.  Despite the fact that I pay for vacations, pay for our healthcare, pay for and take care of the dog when she is not physically or emotionally able to get up.  Despite the fact that I'm compromising my own health by my allergies to the saliva and dander that she does not have the energy to clean up.  When things go wrong, it's my fault. She does 10% of the things I do around the house, yet frequently complains she doesn't get enough help, and is critical that I take the time to exercise or go sailing.   She tries to make me feel rotten, but it slides off my back.  When she yells insulting things at me, and the kids hear, it's obviously very upsetting.  When she yells at them, it's painful.  She usually comes around to apologizing within hours or a day of her explosions, but those apologies are extremely hollow.  I don't know how I genuinely hug her and tell her I love her unconditionally, when I know it's just a calm between storms.  It's not ok.  No self-respecting partner should have to deal with this.  No child should grow up thinking this is normal. 

So why am I here?  I am an eternal optimist, but I'm resigned to hoping things turn out well and bracing for the worst. She is not balanced or stable enough for me to ever feel I have solid footing when I'm around her. I want to ensure the best possible upbringing for my kids.  I don't feel this is it, but I do know they love their  mommy, and crave her supportive and positive attention. In a very weird twist, she makes the children feel she needs them - instead of being the parent that is relied upon. She is much less equipped to manage parenthood without me.  If we were to split, their life with their mommy would end up with them being caretakers for her, when they weren't being victims of her anger.  My wife needs more help than I can give her, a different kind of help than kids or a dog could give her, apparently different help than counseling and group therapy has so far given her, and she needs to find value in what I provide for her.  In the meantime, I walk a careful path, trying to be simultaneously open and honest while avoiding a minefield of triggers. 

As I said, I hope for the best.  I know I can manage this, but I want any relationship I am in to be more than just getting by.  I do want her to be happy and balanced as much as she possibly can.
 I care more about her well-being than I do our marriage.  If I can help the way I'm doing, and she she can get back what she needs to feel whole, and she can own her happiness and drive it forward, the whole story would be a success.  She has told me enough times that she screwed up by marrying me that it doesn't faze me to hear it, or to consider the possibility that we won't always be together.   I'm not sure what it would take to bring the relationship back to more than just getting by, and don't know if she has it in her.  I don't know what more I can do without losing myself. I don't know how many times we can keep going around and around without making progress.  It just seems that sooner or later I'll jump, or get dizzy and fall off.

I don't expect any suggestions, though I welcome them.  This was a long message.  If you stayed to the end, thanks for reading and have a nice day :-)

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[No-One]

Hi Tsunami Sailor:
Thanks for sharing your story.  I'm sorry about the tough time you are having.  It has to be hard to always try to play the role of superman and then not be appreciated.  It helps to share your story and vent. 

Thought you might find the article at the link below interesting.  It refers to various studies about people with BPD who also have issues with pain. I shared the line with another member whose wife has pain problems with BPD as well. 
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3280073/

She spent the summer in a program that focused on depression, anger management and grief, and was exposed to some dbt tools.  I'm not sure how effective it was, and how much she would benefit from more, but things are not very good.

  Is she in therapy at the moment?  You can bring a horse to water, but you can't make them drink.  DBT teaches coping skills and ways to improve the moment when you are stressed.  You get out of it what you put into it, so, if someone sits just lets the info. go in one ear and out the other - no benefit will be gained.

If you aren't familiar with DBT, you might want to get a book and check it out. I think it could be beneficial for you to understand what it's all about.  You can find various books through Amazon.  Marsha Linehan is the authority.  You can find books by her and others.  Also, the website: www.dbtselfhelp.com can give you a bit of an overview of DBT

Sounds like she is stuck ruminating about everything bad that has ever happened in her life.  She needs to change the scripts in her head.  One type of therapy that is successful for some is EDMR:

Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) therapy is an interactive psychotherapy technique used to relieve psychological stress. It is an effective treatment for trauma and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

Do you have family or friends that you can reach out to for support?  You have a lot of your plate. 

Take care .

[Radcliff]

You've got a heavy load.  Your description of your situation was thorough, thoughtful, and easily to relate to.  Many of us have been there.  You are doing a stellar job at covering so many bases for your family in circumstances that would overwhelm many men.  In particular, being a stable, giving parent figure for your kids is huge.  You've got about 9 more years until the youngest launches.  That's a long time under the load you're carrying.  I agree with No-One that it's crucial for you to have a deep and broad support network.  What would you say are all of your sources of support?

RC