Reconnected & we are falling out already

[Depression = 72% of members]

Quick recap. I reconnected with my ex of 2 years who I suspected showed signs of BPD traits. She broke up with me constantly which amounted to 30 times. After the final break up which she initiated she went on to say some pretty nasty stuff as well as ridicule me on Facebook & her own mother helped out too. She tried to charm me back 5 times & the final attempt was to tell me that she thought I should know that her mom had been diagnosed with cancer. She was upset & needed someone to talk to. Because I was currently in NC I decided to ignore this email which was difficult to be honest. Plus I had previously been subjected to a serious lie by her so I knew she could bend the truth if she needed to.

10 months later I decided to reconnect in hope that she may have changed. When we reconnected she mentioned that her mom was misdiagnosed with cancer & the hospital had got it all wrong. So my gut feeling was correct.

We have been speaking since via email & more recently text. She said that she has grown up a lot & the break ups were just immaturity. She was seeing someone else at the time but speaking to me behind his back which I wasn't comfortable with. She then broke up with him because he was speaking to a woman behind her back which I found ironic.

A few things have happened recently that confirm that she hasn't changed. She gave me her mobile number & said we could text instead of email. I said no because she was still seeing someone else & I didn't want to give the impression that I wanted more than friends. She said ok. On Friday I decided that I would move from email to text so I said is it ok if I text you. She got angry & said "I hope you don't expect us to be any thing more than friends" So back to the push pull controlling dynamic.

Then on Saturday this happened which has made me write this post. We were texting as normal but it was quite late. From past experience she always starts arguments late on a night like at midnight. She was telling me how much she still loves me & how no matter what she will always be there for me. She said she can tell something was on my mind & I should tell her. I said that I have had a pretty bad year to be honest. She said she would like to listen  maybe she could help. So I opened up to her & told her my problems. Then bang she basically brought up her mother's cancer & how I ignored her when she really needed me. I tried to explain why I ignored her & it was because I was trying to heal from the breakup. She lost it & said she no longer wanted to speak to me & she no longer wanted to be friends because all I see is her part in things & never hers.

I tried my best to believe that she had changed & I tried not to JADE but it failed. It just seems like a relationship with this woman would be so difficult & I would have to comply with everything & not have my own opinions & especially be able to voice them. If we had of been in a relationship she would have dumped me I am sure so nothing has changed at all. One minute she is telling me about how much feeling she has for m then the net telling me not to contact her again. I am no expert but I am sure she is showing a lot of NPD traits too.

[magic78]

Quick recap. I reconnected with my ex of 2 years who I suspected showed signs of BPD traits. She broke up with me constantly which amounted to 30 times. After the final break up which she initiated she went on to say some pretty nasty stuff as well as ridicule me on Facebook & her own mother helped out too. She tried to charm me back 5 times & the final attempt was to tell me that she thought I should know that her mom had been diagnosed with cancer. She was upset & needed someone to talk to. Because I was currently in NC I decided to ignore this email which was difficult to be honest. Plus I had previously been subjected to a serious lie by her so I knew she could bend the truth if she needed to.

10 months later I decided to reconnect in hope that she may have changed. When we reconnected she mentioned that her mom was misdiagnosed with cancer & the hospital had got it all wrong. So my gut feeling was correct.

We have been speaking since via email & more recently text. She said that she has grown up a lot & the break ups were just immaturity. She was seeing someone else at the time but speaking to me behind his back which I wasn't comfortable with. She then broke up with him because he was speaking to a woman behind her back which I found ironic.

A few things have happened recently that confirm that she hasn't changed. She gave me her mobile number & said we could text instead of email. I said no because she was still seeing someone else & I didn't want to give the impression that I wanted more than friends. She said ok. On Friday I decided that I would move from email to text so I said is it ok if I text you. She got angry & said "I hope you don't expect us to be any thing more than friends" So back to the push pull controlling dynamic.

Then on Saturday this happened which has made me write this post. We were texting as normal but it was quite late. From past experience she always starts arguments late on a night like at midnight. She was telling me how much she still loves me & how no matter what she will always be there for me. She said she can tell something was on my mind & I should tell her. I said that I have had a pretty bad year to be honest. She said she would like to listen  maybe she could help. So I opened up to her & told her my problems. Then bang she basically brought up her mother's cancer & how I ignored her when she really needed me. I tried to explain why I ignored her & it was because I was trying to heal from the breakup. She lost it & said she no longer wanted to speak to me & she no longer wanted to be friends because all I see is her part in things & never hers.

I tried my best to believe that she had changed & I tried not to JADE but it failed. It just seems like a relationship with this woman would be so difficult & I would have to comply with everything & not have my own opinions & especially be able to voice them. If we had of been in a relationship she would have dumped me I am sure so nothing has changed at all. One minute she is telling me about how much feeling she has for m then the net telling me not to contact her again. I am no expert but I am sure she is showing a lot of NPD traits too.

[once removed]

are you trying to improve the dynamic or looking to break away?

how can we best support you?

[BrokenSpokane]

So frustrating. It's that push-pull mentality and dynamic that makes it so difficult to be in a relationship with someone with BPD. Although mine hasn't reached out since our breakup (I don't think she ever will, thank God), I do relate to the cancer 'scare'. Two break ups ago, my exBPD told me she's sure she has colon cancer. She said she's had it for months and was just afraid to tell me because she knew I'd drag her to the doctor.

Of course, two weeks later and some tests later, she doesn't have colon cancer. Just another way of manipulating, controlling. It's so hurtful, because I realize now that even when things were fine, she'd use emotions to manipulate. I don't think she ever loved me. Well, at least not in the capacity that I reciprocated. She's incapable. That hurts.

I can tell you that I don't want that constant push, pull dynamic in my life anymore. It's toxic. Normal people aren't like that. I don't deserve the mental stress and neither do you.

I continue to work through the pain, but it gets better every day. I would suggest NC and don't allow her to make you feel guilty about it. She can only make you feel a certain way if you allow her to. Stay strong.

[Pytagoras]

She wants you to enable her, in all her behaviors.

If you validate her feelings, without enabling her, i think it should reduce some of the intense emotions. But it doesn't solve the issues.

My exBPDgf went dating with another guy, then get back to me, 3 weeks later, crying, saying she loved me, etc.etc. Then asked me to wait for her, because she was ill and would get surgery. After that we would talk about our future together, etc. Ok. I waited. In the meanwhile she start dating someone else. 

health problems excuses are very common. Anything counts and can be used to manipulate.

What do you want to do?

[magic78]

are you trying to improve the dynamic or looking to break away?

how can we best support you?

Hi OR. You have helped on various of my other posts.

I was thinking of possibly giving the relationship another chance & I believed that some of her previous behaviour may have been down to immaturity or my way of dealing with conflict. However, I am not so sure I am capable of dealing with this kind of relationship especially as I have some important family issues to sort out concerning my child. Plus there were the issue of her capability to talk to me in a sexual way behind her boyfriends back which confirmed my suspicion from when we were together that she may have been talking to guys behind my back.

She told me to leave her alone & move on so I have no responded. It's amazing how at first everything seemed different then before then boom It was as if I had been catapulted back a year & the same behaviour reserviced. Two days ago she loved me like crazy & I wasn't a selfish person in fact I was amazing then a day later I am an uncaring selfish man who she no longer wants to be friends with. I tried validating her feelings but it didn't go to plan. It's difficult because in these situations you have to go against your normal conduct & morals to avoid any conflict but then this causes your own internal conflict.

[magic78]

I can tell you that I don't want that constant push, pull dynamic in my life anymore. It's toxic. Normal people aren't like that. I don't deserve the mental stress and neither do you.

I agree. This is what I was thinking when we were having the disagreement. Normal people discuss things & don't use manipulation. She purposely had me open up to her just so she could bring up the past then use it against me. I thought I could handle this type of conflict but I am not so sure. It is very exhausting & stressful. I really thought she had changed. I can see the pattern now. The idealization, devalue then discard which creates the trauma bonding & yearning for love & affection from the person who has just discarded you. I think this is similar to splitting also?

[magic78]

She wants you to enable her, in all her behaviors.

If you validate her feelings, without enabling her, i think it should reduce some of the intense emotions. But it doesn't solve the issues.

My exBPDgf went dating with another guy, then get back to me, 3 weeks later, crying, saying she loved me, etc.etc. Then asked me to wait for her, because she was ill and would get surgery. After that we would talk about our future together, etc. Ok. I waited. In the meanwhile she start dating someone else. 

health problems excuses are very common. Anything counts and can be used to manipulate.

What do you want to do?

I tried validating her feelings but it was too late. As soon as I answered her back with anything but sorry it was all my fault she reacted in the only way she knew. I actually found myself about to apologise to her but I couldn't bring myself to do this. I felt like my head was in a spin again just like I used to feel before.

I have no idea what I want to do to be honest but at the moment I am just not contacting her as she asked. I have enough going on in my life without from playing games with her.