NEWBIE - My sister is moving back home and I need HELP in how to cope

[Jupiterwhistles]

My relationship with my older sis Is rocky - filled with good quality time but still can be very mentally draining and scary with her sudden outbursts and BPD behaviour.
Growing up, our childhood was at times very difficult, more so hers as she was the brunt of our fathers mental and verbal abuse - something that was very difficult for the fmaily to deal with at the time - but I know she experienced the worse with him. Eventually she moved out, understandably to get away from all the screaming arguments and just bad environment at home, and again, years down the line, my father did as well, with the breakage of his relationship with our mum, as a result of how he treated my sister.
But something I’ve always been scared to admit - a part of me was glad that she moved away because as much as she went through a lot of trauma,  she herself still caused a lot of unhappiness in the home. From reading this website - I was the ‘black sheep’ for her BPD - getting my sisters and at times my own parents to gang up on me, I was also the brunt of all jokes and grew up feeling inedequate as a result. At this time, she was undiagnosed, and with the random screaming  outbursts she would come out with, hurling abuse at my mother and how she treated me - I just figured it was a mixture of what she went through with my father and her just being the eldest sibling.
But as she and my father left, we became a much happier family unit, with much healthier bonds and such. In her time away, she admitted to us that she was diagnosed with BPD - and from doing the research - it explained a LOT of her behaviour. However, she refuses to go to therapy because she doesn’t like it, perhaps due to a past bad experience when she was younger.  
She comes down to visit every now and again, and as much as I do enjoy spending time with her,  I mostly end up mentally drained by the end of the week and wishing for normalcy to return when she leaves again. For when she returns, the hierarchy goes back to when I was a teenager again - with her on top, us walking around her like eggshells, and me back to being picked on constantly. She even admits herself - that when she’s back, my sisters know to step back so my sister can rule the roost, as she’s ‘in charge’ and also the ‘favourite’. But something I feel she doesn’t realise is that things have changed since when we were teenagers and children - I’m not one to back down and let her manipulate me anymore.
Now, in a few months, she is coming back to live with us to save some money to move to another country. My grandparents and mum are very ecstatic to have her back again, who see pass her BPD and used or childhood as an excuse to her behaviour. My sisters and I are not so excited.
We’ve talked about the change, and we all agree - we’re scared of her in case we accidentally set off one of her outbursts.
Right now I feel sick to myself stomach knowing how the happy family bond we now have will be ruined when she gets back - and apart of me feels selfish for thinking that way but my sisters and I really don’t want her to move in with us again.
As a family, me included, we don’t know much about BPD and definitely have no coping mechanism or tips in place to deal with her behaviour. Personally, I don’t think my mum or my grandparents  really see her behaviour as BPD - just who she is. And that worries me.
If I can get any help, support or tips on how to cope the coming years with my sister - it would be much appreciated as I don’t know what to do.    
I’m glad I have found a safe space to talk about these feelings and know I’m not alone with with I’ve experienced.

[Harri]

Hi and welcome.  You are in the right place.     We get it here.  Going from a peacful home environment back to one that will potentially not be peaceful is difficult to think about.  We can help you though with learning tools and communication strategies that will help you cope better and may help not make things worse with your sister. 

When does you sister arrive back home?  Will you have your own space apart from her (as in not sharing a room)? 

As a family, me included, we don’t know much about BPD and definitely have no coping mechanism or tips in place to deal with her behaviour. Personally, I don’t think my mum or my grandparents  really see her behaviour as BPD - just who she is. And that worries me.
If I can get any help, support or tips on how to cope the coming years with my sister - it would be much appreciated as I don’t know what to do.

In a way, the label for your sister does not matter.  What matters are the behaviors she exhibits and how you react vs. how you choose to respond to them.  Your relationship with her will probably be separate from her with your mother and g-ma.   I am not sure I would spend much time considering how to get them to see the BPD.  Focus on the behaviors and setting boundaries for yourself.  :earn the tools we talk about here.

At this point, I don't know what specific tools to recommend you start with.  As you share more, we can recommend some specifics.  In the meantime, check out the thread tacked to the top of the board titled:  How to get the most out of this board and see what you think.

I would also recommend that you come here regularly, even when things are going well.  don't wait for a crisis to get support or learn the tools.  They take time and practice to learn and you can do that here with us.  You can also gain a lot by posting to others as well.

Again,

[Jupiterwhistles]

Thank you so much in replying, and so quickly as well, it’s great  to know you have such extensive  support here, especially for newcomers like me - I’ll definitely spend time using the resources to get more information.

She moves back in just under 2 months, in the beginning of December, so not very long, but ultimately, still some time to prepare for the change in environment and how to deal with the situation, which is a good thing. And luckily, I will have my own room, which I am greatful for as I know my personal space is a huge value to me.
In fact, the issues with bedrooms causd quite a debate as ultimately we don’t exactly have the room for my sister anymore with my younger siblings no longer sharing. As of right now, the plan we have decided is that, we are rennovating a part of our living room into a bedroom, so we can all have our own  room.

And thank you for mentioning about labels, you’re right in that it’s most important that I learn what healthy coping mehanisms I need to put in place for myself for her behaviour, and not my family. I’ll do my best to remember that.

It’s hard for me to remember specific altercations as her consistent behavioural issues was such a long time ago  for me but now that it’ll be returning, I want to be able to deal with her behaviour in the best way so we both can be happy.  The  things that I worry about most is how to cope when things don’t go her way, or when inconvenices occur which causes her to go in complete meltdown mode.
For example, when she came to visit fairly recently, she can very quickly ‘shut - down’ in a way and doesn’t deal with certain stressful situations - like things with ordering at restaurants, late trains, or complex travel issues - it can cause a complete turn around in mood. I want to know what I can do to get the normalcy back and not let her mood ruin something that can be easily resolved.
Also, as I’ve got older, I feel I’ve gained a level of tolerance and am less likely to pander to her behaviour and ‘let her win’ so to speak, I am starting to speak my mind more when I am upset or annoyed with something my sister has done, which  teenage me would have brushed off or just let go to keep the peace. But, I naturally take things to heart, and that’s something she manipulated well with her unkind words, and guilt tripping - making me doubt my own hurt feelings. So I think my targets are to work on my level of resilience and security in my own feelings.
Nevertheless, I feel the big ourburts, the ones I haven’t seen in years, will eventually make a return. It’s those I don’t know how to deal with. The times when she would verbally abuse us, and her manipulative behaviour,  that made arguing futile, and worse of all her endless screaming when things didn’t go her way. My natural way to cope is avoid confrontation and escape - I just want to know if that’s the way forward.

And I agree - Id like to use my experience to help others on here who may be dealing with similar scenarios, so I will consider dropping in with updates on this transition of my sister moving back in - the good times and the bad.

Of course, I’m still learning and know I want to broaden my understanding more of BPD as well as my relationship with my sister. And I think this place, combined with such a supportive community will be great help in finding answers and seeking encouragement from others.

Thank you very much for the warm welcome !

[Harri]

Hi again!

For example, when she came to visit fairly recently, she can very quickly ‘shut - down’ in a way and doesn’t deal with certain stressful situations - like things with ordering at restaurants, late trains, or complex travel issues - it can cause a complete turn around in mood. I want to know what I can do to get the normalcy back and not let her mood ruin something that can be easily resolved.

We hear about this sort of behavior a lot here.  Stress, disappointments, frustrations can all be difficult for the pwBPD (person with BPD) to deal with.  The thing is, we can't control them or their reactions.  This type of situation is best dealt with by managing your own anxiety and reactions to her behaviors.   As you read about BPD and learn more about the behaviors and what can trigger her, you can anticipate and plan for what *you* will do for *you* to help you through.  There are ways of talking with her that can help her not escalate and can head off a dysregualtion but there is no guarantee there. 

Read about Don't validate, Don't Jade, boundaries all of which will be important for you.  The links to the articles are in the link I gave in the first post I made here.   Another thing you may want to do is read on the Bettering a Relationship board we have.  The people who post there are the ones who use the tools the most and are helped by others posting there who have 'been there, done that'. 

Two of the easiest tools to start with are Don't JADE and Don't invalidate.  See what you think and then we can talk about them. 

Also, as I’ve got older, I feel I’ve gained a level of tolerance and am less likely to pander to her behaviour and ‘let her win’ so to speak, and, something I’m proud of, I am starting to speak my mind more when I am upset or annoyed with something my sister has done, which  teenage me would have brushed off or just let go to keep the peace.

This is good.  Sometimes we have to tweak things a bit to make things more tolerable as we try to maintain as good a relationship as possible, certainly when living in close quarters.  But it sounds like you have overcome a lot of fear that some of us have.   

So I think my targets are to work on my level of resilience and security in my own feelings.

Good!  Self care and managing our own distress is key.  Boundaries can help here... and so can all the other tools.  Really, IMO, the tools are about helping us cope and interact with difficult people regardless of the label or even the type of relationship.  The skills we talk about here work in any relationship.

Hope to talk with you more.    You are welcome BTW.  We all support each other here.