Just learning of BPD

Hello.

I am 56 years old. My mom and I's relationship has always been strained and hard. We are in a "break". We took a difficult vacation together in May, that led her to believe that she could start her control and blasting of me. Vacation only lasted for 4 days as I have learned I can't do any longer with her or things crash and burn.

She called and blasted me for a post on FB, it was 1 am my time. I awoke, on the anniversary of my husbands death, listened to her hurtful and threatening message and was devastated. I hate that it was devastating, but it was. The last 2 "episodes" I have shared with her that I feel devastated, that her fit of rage over my opinion is inappropriate and that I need time to think, pray and work through this.

Emails full of long-ago hurts and all my wrongs ensued. I took months to respond and then responded with facts and not my hurt feelings.

We had our fist conversation on Thanksgiving day. She did not mention the emails. She told me that she loved me, missed me and that she didn't want me to not speak to her like this again. I told her that if she wasn't mean I wouldn't stop speaking to her. She told me how I am mean and that her emails and accusations were because she doesn't voice how mean I am to her and it builds up until she explodes. I told her I wouldn't discuss this with her today. She agreed that we should't spoil a good day.

I spent Thanksgiving with a friend of mine that just received her Doctorate in Psychology. The previous time we were together she had mentioned BD to me and I came home got on the internet and thought wow, this is mom. Now what? We talked about the emails that had ensued after her phone call and she said it sounded like BD. She told me she had just bought a book to help her with patients in her practice, "stop walking on eggshells".

That is how I have always described my relationship with my mother, I have to walk on eggshells around her. I am now on page 44. I stopped reading to search for a support group in my area. I live in outside a major city and didn't find one. I did find a couple of local counselors who hold groups for the BD patient. I will call and see if they offer support to those in relationship with BD.

Right away in reading this book I ask myself, do I have BD? I think the answer is no. I have definitely behaved at times as the book describes; however, I have gone through years of counseling and self help, group therapy, Alanon, etc. (not recently) and believe that my 'like" behavior was from growing up with a BD mother and that it is learned behavior rather than BD. I am not the person I once was and have had to walk away from many friendships because I am drawn to self-absorbed people. We all are, including me, to some degree, but those I have chosen in my past were more more narcissistic than the average person. I have chose 2 husbands (1 divorce and 1 death) that were super needy and I lost my identity in the relationship. I have found it easier to be alone than to deal with more of these types of people. I have friendships, but no one really close in relation and/or distance. I have maintained a couple of friends that are "major issue free" or at least can cope with their major issues and I don't have to take on their stuff but rather am allowed to support and encourage them through it.

I spent recent years rather isolated, sorting through what healthy relationship qualities are and am now making healthier choices.

However, mom is 75 this year, I am an only child and offered to have her move across country to be of support to her. We had 2 years between her raging at me and I thought we had moved to a better place, of course I now realize that it is only because I keep my mouth shut, listen to her rage against others (try to tell her to stop, but to no avail). She even said how much she appreciated all the effort I had made in the past 2 years. Then the fateful night when I posted my opinion on facebook that was contrary to hers. Rage in full force ensued. She told me that I am not the child she raised, what had happened to me, etc. What she doesn't understand is that she doesn't know me. I try very hard to not give her ammunition against me. I am a Christian, right-wing conservative and she is a liberal.

I am worn out and just don't want to do try and navigate through this relationship any longer. I feel beat up again and don't know how to move forward.

I am hopeful that this book will bring inside, but considering the techniques I have found on line I have tried so many different tactics with her, keep firm boundaries and always feel like I am swimming against the current.

She was in counseling for 25 years and has not shared details of counseling.

When I visited her 6 years ago (went for a shorter trip last year) when I left I couldn't reach her for days, only later did I find out that she had thoughts of killing herself (again) and had checked in to a hospital (or maybe her boyfriend took her) for evaluation. I stayed for 2 weeks that time. Never again! 4 days is the limit or she becomes too attached and it was a miserable 2 weeks.

This is my first time trying an online site like this. I am not sure how it could help, but want to try.

Thank you for allowing me to post and express myself. I may have been a bit "all over the place" as there is so much to say and think through.

May you have a peace-filled day!



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