I'm curious to the lack of reaction to this letter to my sisters...no expections

[drained1996]

Sisters:
Our family has had an unhealthy dynamic for a very long time.  It has continued between us after the passing of both of our parents.  We have all played our part; I’m sorry that you all saw me at my worst many times when in the presence of my abuser.  I wish I had the ability to react better in certain situations…I simply did not.  I completely understand we all had different experiences, I have expressed that to you both.  It’s unfortunate that our family dynamic reaches back much further and deeper than any of us care to go, but it does.  And here we are. 
The reason I feel it is important to rehash some of the past is to try one last time to be heard, and not simply dismissed or rebuked.  You do not have to agree with everything, but at least make the effort step outside of your own experience.  What is the risk of suspending your perspective for a moment while at the same time not dismissing my experiences and feelings?
In no particular order I’m going to replay some circumstances that has us where we are today.  First and easiest for anyone outside of our immediate family to understand is the Christmas just after my separation where NOBODY asked how I was.  Not a word in a time where I was most in need of family love, understanding, sympathy or encouragment.  That hurt, more than you could imagine.  It hurt enough I asked you Robin why, and the answer was “we didn’t know how you would react.”   I’m fairly certain this is not a story nor an answer you would be willing to share with your close friends.  That instance and others over time made me realize our family was far from healthy.
There were a decent many smaller stories before, and in between then and now where Mark’s feelings and life simply did not register to my family.  Since that time, only the feelings of obligation and guilt found me attending family functions.  I certainly did not feel much a part of any family other than through that obligation and guilt.   
Fast forward to us needing to deal with our parents care as a family unit.  Dealing with Dad was easier, though there were some glitches and frustrations.
Our mother’s care was a completely different level of dysfunction.  And straight to the point, our mother’s care or lack there of is NOT the issue between us, though the two issues cannot be separated for full understanding.   
My issue is how you all simply discarded me and my thoughts, observations and feelings about our mother’s condition.  You both simply treated me as a child who had no idea what it was talking about.  It wasn’t just invalidating, it was eviscerating and hurt very much.
Read the facts I’m about to share closely:
Dad told us more than numerous times before he passed our mother was not well, and he did not mean it lightly.
After less than a 5 minute conversation with her primary care doctor he agreed and made an appointment for her to be checked out in Chapel Hill for “dementia issues”  Note…he’s her DOCTOR.  This was before dad passed…she certainly didn’t get any better. 
Our mother showed us she was not well when she couldn’t even put couch cushions back together and admitted it…again, before Dad had passed.
When she got lost and frightened driving on the interstate in a place she has lived for 50 years.  (note that when a situation like this happened to her sister her children jumped in and moved her and Doug to a facility…note I said Doug too…mother had nobody)
And she couldn’t work a remote control…with written directions.   
Meg sent more than several texts that were not beating around the bush and telling us our mother was not well and we were not doing enough.  I know she even told you Robin that she felt our mother was being neglected.  I could not agree more. 
The list could go on. 
You all maintained that she was “fine”, where in this list of behaviors and circumstances is anyone “fine”?
Oddly, even though she was my abuser, I was the one most willing to address her situation.  I know I became frustrated and my communication became less than cordial at times.  I wish I could have stayed more controlled and communicated in a healthier fashion and for that I apologize.  You all were in denial and treated me as if I had no idea what I was talking about and was over reacting.  Like a lot of times in my family history, my thoughts and feelings were simply ignored and dismissed.  Robin, you spoke to me in some of these situations and I even told you that you were speaking to me as if I was a child…and just like mother you glossed over/denied and kept on.  That hurt.
During the time she spent with you all after the flooding Jody even realized and said that our mother did not need to be living alone.  That was November, 7 months before she passed, yet the 3 of us never discussed things with her together as I had been suggesting for so long.  As an aside to this, not discussing or dealing with things “over the holidays” happened several times in our ventures dealing with our Mom’s situation.  One does not put off someone else’s needs/care simply to accommodate the easier flow of their own life.  Those times might be when you all were the most selfish and Joan like…it’s sad you all could not see the needs of others were more pressing than the wants you desired.  Flash back to my wonderful Christmas experience. 
Another point on where we are in our relationships is that you both expressed you do not want to talk about it, you simply want to bury it under a rug.  That’s not healthy…it’s selfish.  It takes you out of position of taking any responsibility in our unhealthy family dynamic that dates further back than you both care to delve.  It would also allow our current dynamic to continue which I’m not willing to live with moving forward. 
I’ve also expressed to you both that I was indeed emotionally abused by our mother.  I acknowledged our different experiences as that was the initial reaction you both communicated.  What I cannot understand is why I didn’t and haven’t even gotten an I’m sorry or any acknowledgement whatsoever.  I comprehend it’s a difficult thing, but damn…it happened, and it should really not be that hard to see…she was a difficult person.  You both know that…have expressed that to me, but yet cannot even acknowledge or say anything beyond that was not  your experience.  You see where Mark’s feelings have been placed within this “family unit”?  The abuse I suffered negatively affected my life in ways you cannot even begin to im100067057 100067057 agine and my sisters cannot or will not even acknowledge my experiences…that hurts. 
You both now know that my issue is how you treat and communicate with me within our “family unit” not necessarily our parents care.    Unfortunately, the topics overlap in helping to see our unhealthy family dynamic so there is no separating them.
Dad was and has been the only person in our family to acknowledge and accept his place in perpetuating me as a child in our dynamic.  It was Christmas 2014…I confronted him over his treatment of me as he wagged a finger at his 40+ year old son as if I was 6-8 because Joan was upset. I recognized the feelings of me as a 6-8 year old responsible for her feelings in that room…as I cried and looked at our father and called him out and said we’ll talk tomorrow and walked away...in that moment and many others where I stuck up for myself against the treatment I was enduring, I seemed like the bad kid…I wasn’t, I was sticking up for me when nobody else would.  The next day we talked and I told him I was often treated as a child by him.   He apologized crying saying how tough a life I had experienced and expressed he would make the effort treat me as an adult…he never again treated me less than an adult, and never again put me in a position to feel responsible for how Joan felt.  I certainly played my part and openly admit that…I just didn’t know any better, but now I do.  If I had known better, my distance from our unhealthy family dynamic would have happened much earlier in life.     
Last topic that puts me into a place of not feeling like a part of any family.  FYI this is the least of our issues, however it’s the easiest to fix, and does have a good amount of sentimental value to me and my relationship with Dad much like all the antique furniture and jewelry of moms I allowed you all to take.  The  sports tickets.  I’ve been offered tickets once since Dad passed, only to have them pulled back 30 minutes later…even after I’d called and offered them to some good clients.  The ones I did get to take Mindie to the Duke game several years ago, I got a text telling me not to expect those tickets often as we have such a large family…I’ll say bad on you for that…yeah…Mindie saw the text too and thought the same... there are only 3 Stacy bloods left and 6 basketball tickets.  That text and the way I’ve simply been ignored in this situation hurts.  We talked about the tickets soon after Dad passed, and I expressed interest and it was noted by both Robin and Brinkley.  I, and I know Dad expected you to distribute the tickets in a manner that he would have approved of, and that simply has not happened.  I’ve kept quiet after our initial conversations, and you’ve simply taken advantage of the control and left me out completely.  Dad must have thought this may happen as he gave me the whole rundown of how things have transpired and how much everything was during the last months of his life without me asking anything… and he did it more than once.  If we have a chance to move forward and fix things this is the beginning of the easiest way for us to need to communicate.  I know you all got the Collins tickets, and pay nothing for that right, and Mom and Dad’s yearly contribution part is minimal.  I also know the ticket rights no longer pass our generation, and I’m pretty sure there’s a good chance I’ll be here longer than Robin.    I’d suggest we split that small fee and do the tickets just as Dad and the Collins/you all did.  I know I’ll handle my end of the tickets like Dad would, so my nephews and Jody will have more than ample opportunity and I’m not going to use many tickets anyway.   The way the tickets have been handled is simply an indication of the larger problem we face, your willingness or unwillingness to alter their management will be revealing.  I welcome feedback and if there are any situations you remember differently feel free to point them out. 

[pursuingJoy]

hi drained1996! It would help me to have some context for this letter, I'm having trouble understanding what's going on.

[drained1996]

It's all in my post history which anyone can find.  It's sad that my family circumstances have me where I am with "family".  That sent letter has gotten no response in almost 8 months.  And while I had no expectations, it seems pretty fitting i have had zero response given our family history.  Pretty much how my own feelings were treated within my family dynamic'...I really didn't matter. 

[Harri]

Hi drained.

I did not realize the letter was sent 8 months ago!  I think I  remember another letter you sent and a discussion we had about it on board (that is a lot of posts ago though!).  I think you decided the act of sending the letter and saying what you wanted to say was most important to you rather than having any expectations met of being heard and acknowledged.  Is that correct?  Is this the same sort of thing?

Did you feel better after sending the letter?  That they did not respond hurts I'm sure.  I sounds like they do not want to deal with things or even think about them. 

Have you made peace with allowing them to be free to deny and ignore the past while being okay with knowing what your reality was/is?

[drained1996]

I never took the opportunity to send the letter to my mother as my sister's intimated the possibility of going in all together and that simply never happened.  I even told them its good
 if we indeed were going to tackle the topic of our demented mother together.  I sacrificed my opportunity to confront my abuser for the sake of how my sister's felt.  I'll never have that opportunity again. I'm ok with that, but I'm not ok with my sister's as they did,do,and continue to treat me.  They avoid the disfunction,as much as they avoid my letter which is real and true.

[once removed]

hi drained,

its a heavy letter, sent from an understandably heavy heart.

there are a lot of topics. i dont need to tell you that family dynamics are inherently complicated.

it is, logistically, a hard letter to respond to.

as to why they havent responded: your sisters may not be able to come to terms with your side of things. your sisters may not be in a place where they are prepared to rehash things. they also may not know what to say.

how recent was the passing of your parents?

[drained1996]

This OP was done under the influence of ambien...something I have not taken in several years.  Honestly, it would not have changed much without that influence other than sharing names.  My father passed 11/21/2015, my mother 5/9/2017.  Obviously this is something I've wanted to share with the membership here for sometime as ambien strips one's inhibitions.  FYI, not a sleep remedy I would suggest for anyone battling depression or stress in their life.  That aside...that is a letter I sent to both of my sisters.    Harri, I never sent the one I posted here as my older sister intimated we would all three confront our mother and get her in some kind of care facility...I sacrificed that chance for understanding and closure for the opportunity to make my mother's situation better...even though I knew it was a long shot.  And I'm OK with that.  What I am obviously struggling with slightly is my sisters.  Our mother had a stroke and our father made it completely clear she was not well...my sisters were in denial.  I really felt I was dealing with 3 of my mothers after his passing...and I was.  I thought it would get better, but as time passed they acted just like her, selfish, and demeaning to me.  I didn't react well in conversation sometimes and as you can see I apologized for that.  I wasn't wrong, and I know that from my participation here and from therapy.  When I have brought up in conversation my disappointment in how things have been handled, they simply turned things around on me...and they pointed the finger in my direction...which reminded me so much of my exBPD's.  I stepped back, and wrote this letter to them without anger, and simply stated the truth I lived.  They never even acknowledged they got the letter until I texted them 3 months after and one did what I asked, which was a yes or no, and the older sister said she was preparing a letter and that they loved me...5 months later...nothing.  That's about how my feelings have been dealt with by my family my whole life...last...if ever.  I know where I am, I know my past.  I'm now happily married and to a wonderful woman with a very nice family who accepts me for who I am and loves me unconditionally.  It's sad to say, I only ever felt that love with my father and only in the last few years of his life.  I'm willing to forgive and move forward, but my sisters obviously don't want to take steps in that direction.  Sadly, I find myself ok with that. 

[drained1996]

To add to that, it's a simple fact that they cannot and do not want to hear me.  Again, very sad, but reality. They are not bad people, they are just not good in our family dynamic.  Society says we should be good siblings/family, past reality shows we are not.