Is there such a thing as too patient?

[justnothing]

Hi,

This is just a little question I figured I'd throw out there... after having been raised by a BPD parent, especially if you were the one who had to be the caretaker, do find that this has made you not only a very patient person in general... but perhaps even excessively patient?

I spent an hour and a half today trying to explain to someone how to perform a task that, for the vast majority of people, is usually performed in about 10-20 seconds... All the while I knew that I could (and probably should) just blow him off and tell him to go ask someone else to do it for him... but I just couldn't bring myself to do it because I didn't want to offend him and every time I tried to carefully suggest it he'd be like "oh no, I've almost got it, just give me one more minute". This is by far not the only time I've found myself in similar situations due to being "too patient" and too afraid of hurting the other person's feelings... but this time (probably because it was so extremely long) I noticed that during the time I spent with him and even for a couple of hours after, I started feeling very light headed and dizzy plus a few other symptoms that are usually warning signs that I'm about to have a panic attack. So I took a strong relaxant pill (which I take with me everywhere in case of emergencies) and worked on my breathing to prevent it from developing into a panic attack... and eventually the feeling went away. However I did find it very interesting because this implies that I might have been experiencing a lot of fear (without noticing it) while talking to this guy... and if this is true, could I be experiencing such fear whenever I talk to people who are slow and require a lot of patience? Assuming that this is the case, the only explanation that comes to mind is that it probably had to do with always having to be extremely patient with my mother. I'm not saying that being a slow/dense person is the same as being borderline... but something tells me that there's probably some overlap at least as far as requiring a lot of patients is concerned... and after my experience today I'm wondering if the reason I'm excessively patient with people might be actually due to some fear that's still left over from all the times I had to just... hold back whatever emotions I had, put on a poker face and avoid appearing impatient or offensive in any way...

Well anyway, I was just wondering if anyone has similar experiences and/or thoughts on this kind of thing...

[pursuingJoy]

Hi justnothing!    Interesting thought. I can relate. I was raised by an NPD father. Survival techniques included learning to be still during moments of abuse and dissociate so that it wouldn't anger him more.

After 7 yrs of marriage to an abusive man, I was told, "If I was the mack truck that ran you over, you were the doormat that laid yourself out and let it happen."

At that time I was looking down the barrel at single motherhood, three kids, a family who said I should stay no matter how abusive he was. Much of my "patience" was tied to self-blame, which stemmed from a desire to control the situation. If it was my fault, I could change, therefore I could control the outcome. Accepting that someone else was responsible and the outcome was outside my control was a terrifying reality. I am so proud of the way I faced my fears and walked away from abuse and got back on my feet.

I'm back in a place of complete confusion about patience. In the beginning of my new relationship, I was informed that my MIL had a difficult personality and I shouldn't let her get to me. In the name of keeping the peace, I worked hard on patience and let a lot of things slide.

I spoke out a few times in the name of balance and sanity. She'd say, "I don't remember that" or "that's just how I am, sorry can't help it." Her responses were a red flag. I wanted a response more like, "Wow I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings. I'll definitely work on that."

Fast forward, behavior wasn't changing, patience wasn't working, and resentment built. MIL tipped the scale with a manipulative power move, I spoke out more assertively, she fell over like the victim waif. I was then told that I overreacted, that it was my fault because I'd become resentful, and I was accused by both husband and MIL of not speaking out enough (too much patience?). Cue feeling crazy, marriage counseling, then learning about BPD.

I would also love to hear from others on this. Currently I feel like I live in an alternate reality. I have no clue where healthy or balanced is.

Here's to us figuring this sh** out.
pj

[TelHill]

Hi pursuingJoy,

Yes, that has happened with strangers. There are times I do help and feel ok with it. Sometimes I don’t have the time, having a bad day, or have a gut feeling of mistrust.  I tell them politely, I am sorry but I can’t help you. I leave then. I feel a bit guilty but it’s better than feeling angry or frightened. I am not sure if these people are family members, coworkers, etc.

BPD sufferers run the gamut in talent & skills.  My parents have a lot more natural intelligence than I do. My mom is really bright and quite manipulative. She misses social cues. She doesn’t how to express anything but general, lightweight empathy.