May seem trivial - but wondering if this is part of BPD or something else...

[Omega1]

Firstly, things have been tremendously better since I started meditating and managing my reactions to her behaviour.  Even after 4 years, I find I am astonished at the way she speaks and behaves towards me and I am working on being less shocked by it!  

So - there's this thing that permeates...I can't make plans to go out with my friends unless she already has plans, because to leave her home alone, even with her kids, would be too upsetting for her.  I have learned to accept that.
But - she makes plans and doesn't tell me, doesn't check with me.  She makes plans to have people to our house for dinner and doesn't even talk to me about it, just tells me at some point later.
She says she expects that I'll say yes, and be fine with it, she doesn't understand why I want her to check, especially since it's sort of 'work' for me because these are mostly 'her' friends.

Is that an unreasonable request?  We live together, I just want to have plans discussed with me first.  I'd just like to hear if that is too much to ask, honestly, is it controlling of me?  
It's so hard to have to check everything with her, or she gets upset - all I want is the courtesy of knowing if we are having people over...

Honest feedback please?  I can take it

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Radcliff]

Your expectations are certainly reasonable, but they may not be realistic.  Double standards can be tough to avoid in a BPD relationship.  Expectations of our partner's actions can set us up for disappointment and cause a lot of angst.  I can think of a couple of things.  First, if she does something that comes even close to the behavior you want, heap gratitude on her.  If she gives you a day's notice, thank her for giving you advance notice, even if you'd rather have had more.  Later, raise the bar and heap gratitude on her if she gives you two days' notice.

The second thing, which you probably know, is that we can only control our own actions.  What can you do?  Can you engage her in conversations about her friends, or engage her in a conversation about the upcoming weekend, etc., to see if any plans with her friends surface?  Can you frame it in a supportive way, for example, wanting to know so you can help get the house ready, buy drinks, etc.?

Separate topic -- for an important opportunity with friends, would you consider making it a priority and using some tools to help manage things with her?

RC

[Omega1]

Your expectations are certainly reasonable, but they may not be realistic.  Double standards can be tough to avoid in a BPD relationship.  Expectations of our partner's actions can set us up for disappointment and cause a lot of angst...
RC

Thank you - this spoke to me the most!  I think that's been a huge problem for me - for 4 years.  I still want/need/expect/get angry when she won't give me what she demands I give her.
I need to get to that place - where I have accepted this will never feel 'equal'...
Your post made me realize how far I still am from that place...how to get there...?

[Radcliff]

For me, one thing that helped was to think of BPD as a skills deficit, or relationship handicap.  It helped me to take things less personally.  I focused on feeling gratitude for the other ways in which she contributed to the relationship and our family.  Perhaps other members will contribute their thoughts on what has worked for them.

RC