Hi
It's been a rough few weeks. I was away for a work trip, and my bf asked to talk when I got back (today). We did and he said he thought we couldn't continue in a limbo and needed to either get together or break up and I listened and said that I felt the same way about what I need, but that that's what I want and he said he thinks we need to break up. This was not a surprise to me, this is often how he talks and I spend ages trying to stop him from leaving, or getting him to think about things differently. But this time I said: Ok, I respect your feelings. I'm upset but OK.
What else could I do? I want him to want to be with me, out of his own volition, not from me talking him into it.
We chatted a lot about how he should go to therapy (he veered from he's not going, doesn't have time, to he'll go but we can't be together, to he really should go, to he will go) - he cried all the time - and then we chatted about what we've been up to. He said he thought he might be making a big mistake, and how he wanted us to stay in touch - I said I didn't want to be friends with him, that I don't want to know who he's dating etc.
He understood but said he couldn't imagine not being in touch with me again.
It veered back and forth a lot over the course of the conversation but he kept repeating that he couldn't do it, he just couldn't see how it could work, that he wishes he wasn't so
PLEASE READed up, and that he'll try not to contact me, that I should forget about him, unless by a miracle he manages to turn himself around and convince me he's changed and I won't have moved on. Then I'll hear from him again.
We also talked about his job - which he felt was ruining his life. He said he couldn't wait to be done with it (it takes up all his time), but he feels he can't leave until February. So, we chatted about that a fair bit and how he should try to get out. And we spoke about my life and the things I've been working through in therapy. It was really nice talking to him.
But of course, it ended with a bye - that's it. And I feel totally heartbroken. Completely. I really hoped he would have made a change after our last conversation. I understand he's battling with himself and I understand that if he wanted to be with me, he would be with me. And I need to accept rejection graciously. But I still feel completely despondent.
I keep feeling like this COULD work, if we both tried. But I am tired of doing all the trying alone.
It was so nice talking - I don't understand why we can't just have this, this chatting and sharing, all the time.
I don't understand at all. I really want him to come back, but I don't know what to do now. He's obviously left. I feel completely helpless. I don't know whether to try to expunge him from my life, or to hang on to that shred of hope that he changes and returns.
I just feel this tremendous loss.
NT.