Confused by partner avoidance

[NoliTimere]

Hi
This is my first time using a messaging board- so, bear with me and thanks for having me! My partner was diagnosed with BPD this summer and I’ve been trying to read up on everything I can since.
Recently the relationship has gotten more difficult for me and I set a limit. Now I don’t know a) whether it was right and b) what to do.
The backstory is: my partner and I got back together in February (we’re in a LDR). He had made great efforts to get his life on track since our very volatile first relationship (he’d paid off debts, gotten a more stable job, and was reconnecting with friends). I agreed on two conditions: he gets therapy and we make a plan for how to be together.
At first things were promising, then his anxiety started (about the future and viability of the relationship and whether it would succeed and how). He started going to therapy and received a BPD diagnosis. This is when his anxiety started to peak. Everything was triggering - in particular trauma from a past relationship where his partner broke up with him after he moved away for a new, very risky job.
Then he developed a new passion. This passion started taking over all of his life- it’s all he could talk about, all he wanted to devote his time to. In September he found a risky new job (related to the new passion) that he was very excited about, but which caused me some concerns - it would interrupt his therapy, create financial instability (he’d just managed to get out of the debts caused by his previous dramatic career change that had caused his ex to leave),  and cause him to work antisocial hours. Added to that it would be difficult for us to be in touch as much and would be very difficult for us to plan around.  I was very supportive but tried to discuss my concerns. He started the job and it quickly became extremely stressful. We argued about the wisdom of the job and the fact his 7 day weeks made it impossible for us to see each other.I felt cut off and like he was deliberately self-sabotaging and setting obstacles for us to be together.
Then he began to withdraw and disappear. Avoiding text messages and phone calls. Every time we spoke he’d ask if I was angry with him. He was never there when I needed him or wanted to share things.
It was causing me great upset. I went from having a partner who shared my every day with me (even if he was himself riddled with anxiety) to three texts in a day. I felt really rejected and sad. I missed him enormously. I told him several times that I wanted us to work on communicating more and better or it would push us apart. Every time he’d be extremely apologetic and upset and then nothing would change. Finally, a week ago, I said that I need him to go back to therapy so we can work on this relationship. I need him to start communicating with me. That until he does these things I can’t be in contact with him.

He understood, he said he would look up therapists and needed time to think. I said that that’s fine and that he needs to contact me when he’s ready to do these things.

That was a week ago and I haven’t heard from him since.

Now I wonder if I ever will and whether I’ll be stuck in this limbo - waiting - forever, without knowing where we stand with each other.  I obviously can’t make someone get help who doesn’t want to. But I also don’t know if I’m reading my partner’s actions correctly - maybe he ran away because he doesn’t want this and I should just forget about him and move on? Or maybe he’s running away from intimacy and things can be salvaged? I can’t tell and don’t know what I can do either way. I’m devastated at having lost him again - this time to this new job.

Does anyone have any experience with this or advice?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Baseball17]

Sorry to hear about your struggles.  I understand your pain with the unknown.   My girlfriend of 5 years with BPD does something similar and runs away from accepting the diagnosis and puts all problems back on me (or her family).   She has run off to A new passion (being a $ making artist) and suddenly felt she No longer had BPD and it was a “dumb diagnosis”.  She now believes in energy healing will solve things...in line with her art. I am now believing you/me can’t change anything with our partners but only the choices we make.   He/she can abandon the path to healing...but that choice will eventually cause harm in their new passion.  My heart goes out to you and hope things change but stand strong and be proud of yourself with limits and boundaries ...it is the only thing I have found that helps move forward in a relationship with a BPD lover.   

[NoliTimere]

Thanks for your kind words. It's really helpful to know others have experienced similar things!
My partner was an actor and has now moved into political campaigning. This after years of telling all his friends and family how everything must come second to his acting career.
What do you do when your girlfriend disappears? I feel very angry and disappointed and am trying not to lose hope that things might get better/change.

[Radcliff]

I am so sorry for the pain you are feeling.  I think you asked if he's running away from you in particular (in which case you'd give up) or from intimacy in general (in which case maybe he could overcome that problem).  It's very common for members to try to figure out what's going on inside the heads of their partners -- it's natural for us to search for understanding.  But we often cannot know the answers to these questions.  We can be more effective by looking at observable behavior.  You've said that he's not making choices that are going to support the relationship in the long term.  You've been a good partner by expressing how much you value him and what you need to continue in the relationship.  He has a repeating pattern, so your caution is reasonable.  Keep investing and working at it for as long as it feels right to you.  How long you give it is a very personal decision. Move forward concentrating on what you need in the relationship and whether you're likely to get it.

RC

[NoliTimere]

Thanks RC. You're right - his actions don't point in positive directions for the relationship. I feel very upset about it and sad. I still haven't heard from him and feel very angry about his behaviour - both earlier and now. I think the decent thing to do would be to get in touch and say what the situation is. When we talked he led me to believe he would be in contact shortly. Now it feels like he's just left me on the hook - while he continues to do what he likes.
It's not a good feeling at all.

[Stillhopeful4]

Hi NoliTimere,

This sounds VERY familiar to me.  I have been married for about 10 years.  My W has done cycles of similar things over the past 10 years, she will leave jobs for her new passion.  Then within a year she will throw it away for something new.  She has filled her days with so many things to AVOID being in a relationship.  Recently I have received confirmation that she is AvPD (Avoidant PD) Comorbid with BPD.  Do some research on it.  I'm sure you will find it as enlightening as I did seeing your partner is acting in a similar fashion as my W.

Wishing you the best.

SH4

[NoliTimere]

Hello SH4,

Thank you so much! That's very helpful. What do you do when your partner disappears? Is there any way to address the issue? What's worked for you and your W?

NT

[Radcliff]

It's been a few days.  How are you doing?

RC

[Stillhopeful4]

Hello SH4,

Thank you so much! That's very helpful. What do you do when your partner disappears? Is there any way to address the issue? What's worked for you and your W?

NT

Hi there,

I usually have to just let her leave.  I can't reach out or try and talk to her because that just pushes her further away.  I've been doing this dance just over 10 years.  Sometimes she's gone for a few days, one time it was 9 months (but we did talk in between).  Right now she's moved out, again, after living with me and not speaking to me for 2+ months, she's been out of the house for almost 3 months.  It's such a sad disease.

[NoliTimere]

Hi

It's been a rough few weeks. I was away for a work trip, and my bf asked to talk when I got back (today). We did and he said he thought we couldn't continue in a limbo and needed to either get together or break up and I listened and said that I felt the same way about what I need, but that that's what I want and he said he thinks we need to break up. This was not a surprise to me,  this is often how he talks and I spend ages trying to stop him from leaving, or getting him to think about things differently. But this time I said: Ok, I respect your feelings. I'm upset but OK.
What else could I do? I want him to want to be with me, out of his own volition, not from me talking him into it.
We chatted a lot about how he should go to therapy (he veered from he's not going, doesn't have time, to he'll go but we can't be together, to he really should go, to he will go) - he cried all the time - and then we chatted about what we've been up to. He said he thought he might be making  a big mistake, and how he wanted us to stay in touch - I said I didn't want to be friends with him, that I don't want to know who he's dating etc.
He understood but said he couldn't imagine not being in touch with me again.
It veered back and forth a lot over the course of the conversation but he kept repeating that he couldn't do it, he just couldn't see how it could work, that he wishes he wasn't so PLEASE READed up, and that he'll try not to contact me, that I should forget about him, unless by a miracle he manages to turn himself around and convince me he's changed and I won't have moved on. Then I'll hear from him again.
We also talked about his job - which he felt was ruining his life. He said he couldn't wait to be done with it (it takes up all his time), but he feels he can't leave until February. So, we chatted about that a fair bit and how he should try to get out. And we spoke about my life and the things I've been working through in therapy. It was really nice talking to him.
But of course, it ended with a bye - that's it. And I feel totally heartbroken. Completely. I really hoped he would have made a change after our last conversation. I understand he's battling with himself and I understand that if he wanted to be with me, he would be with me. And I need to accept rejection graciously. But I still feel completely despondent.
I keep feeling like this COULD work, if we both tried. But I am tired of doing all the trying alone.
It was so nice talking - I don't understand why we can't just have this, this chatting and sharing, all the time.
I don't understand at all. I really want him to come back, but I don't know what to do now. He's obviously left. I feel completely helpless. I don't know whether to try to expunge him from my life, or to hang on to that shred of hope that he changes and returns.
I just feel this tremendous loss.

NT.