A confession from a codependent

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Before getting involved with my SO,  she let know she was borderline and could be weird sometimes. I suffer from intermittent explosive disorder, so I made a horrible assumption that I would be familiar and "understand" if not at least be able to get through things in dealing with that kind of stuff. For thats that dont know, IED is a massively inappropriate
 anger fueled over-reaction to seemingly mild stimuli. These "reactions" can range from extremely toxic and hurtful verbal outbursts, to property damage, to self harm, to ultimately (thank god I have never had to suffer this to anyone) physical abuse and violence.  Simply reading about borderline gave me this false understanding that it would be something similar to that. I am NOT NPD; I know thats the "common one".  (Continuing on, she is a "quiet" borderline)

Boy did I pay for my hubris. Not only did we wind up be wildly codependent on each other, I admittedly failed at some crucial moments when I didn't really understand the full complication. I'm pretty ashamed of my behavior regarding some of these times. From times of self harm, body image issues, impulsive behavior, to full on not picking up signs of the quiet struggle she was going through. Furthermore I thought I'd be ready for a split, but due to my own lack of awareness of MY codependency, it really struck a blow to me quite bad. It took a few months to finally even wrap my head around things enough to come to any kind of terms. I had no idea quiet borderline was even a thing!

Part of my enormous mistake was not taking my own issues into account. I was in no point manipulated or controlled. I willingly chose to feed because it wound up feeding me too. The only way I can explain things is that she was both a fire and gasoline and I too was the same. We'd both throw gasoline on each others fire and it got wildly escalated in such a ridiculously short amount of time. Looking back objectively, I allowed myself to permit and enable behaviors that I can comfortably say I would NEVER let anyone else be unaccountable for. Part of it was my own selfish desires to feel good in a way I haven't before. It's too easy to be hurt and angry and upset, and miss my own actions and behaviors. When I wound up getting split, I quite literally went crazy trying to "undo" it. I lacked the ability to be objective because of my own desires and misplaced love and desires. While I tried to persuade her to make positive changes to her situation (some successful!), I also wound up growing complacent in what we had going. I never set any boundaries at all, she never set any for me.

Another issue is in my frantic confusion, hurt, and obsessive desire to "fix it", I wound up taxing my other friends quite a bit. I cant believe how ridiculous I was at just taking all their time and ignoring anything they had going on. I compulsively explained why this was bad, made excuses for her, told myself it was going to get better, used them as a sounding board to just spit ideas, sometimes for hours. It was always the same thing every time too, I was just sad, they "didnt understand", and I was going to make it better. Repeat ad nauseum. Not once did I bother to evaluate myself, my actions, and my mental health. Not once did I really make attempts to be their friend in return.

So while for me, it was "oh shes just being borderline" for a minute, the truth is I was just as guilty. Yes it hurts, yes I miss her like crazy. I was incredibly selfish at times, just like she was. I didnt have time for anyone else in my life, it was all her all the time. I was incredibly arrogant in what I thought my understanding of BPD was/is.  But in conclusion, while the pain and hurt were very real, the good times were euphoric and unrealistic; Im also coming out the other side with a better understanding of things I was lacking, how I was being a really poor friend, my mental health, and to chill my arrogance of confusing knowledge with experience. Just because you read something doesnt mean you understand the full gravity of experiencing it. I am also extremely glad it ended when and how it did, because I have no freaking clue how far I would have continued down that rabbit hole, it was blindingly easy to just keep going. If in the future we reconnect, I am going to be far better equipped to not only be a better friend to her, but also more resolute in my own behaviors.

[Friend333]

Before getting involved with my SO,  she let know she was borderline and could be weird sometimes. I suffer from intermittent explosive disorder, so I made a horrible assumption that I would be familiar and "understand" if not at least be able to get through things in dealing with that kind of stuff. For thats that dont know, IED is a massively inappropriate
 anger fueled over-reaction to seemingly mild stimuli. These "reactions" can range from extremely toxic and hurtful verbal outbursts, to property damage, to self harm, to ultimately (thank god I have never had to suffer this to anyone) physical abuse and violence.  Simply reading about borderline gave me this false understanding that it would be something similar to that. I am NOT NPD; I know thats the "common one".  (Continuing on, she is a "quiet" borderline)

Boy did I pay for my hubris. Not only did we wind up be wildly codependent on each other, I admittedly failed at some crucial moments when I didn't really understand the full complication. I'm pretty ashamed of my behavior regarding some of these times. From times of self harm, body image issues, impulsive behavior, to full on not picking up signs of the quiet struggle she was going through. Furthermore I thought I'd be ready for a split, but due to my own lack of awareness of MY codependency, it really struck a blow to me quite bad. It took a few months to finally even wrap my head around things enough to come to any kind of terms. I had no idea quiet borderline was even a thing!

Part of my enormous mistake was not taking my own issues into account. I was in no point manipulated or controlled. I willingly chose to feed because it wound up feeding me too. The only way I can explain things is that she was both a fire and gasoline and I too was the same. We'd both throw gasoline on each others fire and it got wildly escalated in such a ridiculously short amount of time. Looking back objectively, I allowed myself to permit and enable behaviors that I can comfortably say I would NEVER let anyone else be unaccountable for. Part of it was my own selfish desires to feel good in a way I haven't before. It's too easy to be hurt and angry and upset, and miss my own actions and behaviors. When I wound up getting split, I quite literally went crazy trying to "undo" it. I lacked the ability to be objective because of my own desires and misplaced love and desires. While I tried to persuade her to make positive changes to her situation (some successful!), I also wound up growing complacent in what we had going. I never set any boundaries at all, she never set any for me.

Another issue is in my frantic confusion, hurt, and obsessive desire to "fix it", I wound up taxing my other friends quite a bit. I cant believe how ridiculous I was at just taking all their time and ignoring anything they had going on. I compulsively explained why this was bad, made excuses for her, told myself it was going to get better, used them as a sounding board to just spit ideas, sometimes for hours. It was always the same thing every time too, I was just sad, they "didnt understand", and I was going to make it better. Repeat ad nauseum. Not once did I bother to evaluate myself, my actions, and my mental health. Not once did I really make attempts to be their friend in return.

So while for me, it was "oh shes just being borderline" for a minute, the truth is I was just as guilty. Yes it hurts, yes I miss her like crazy. I was incredibly selfish at times, just like she was. I didnt have time for anyone else in my life, it was all her all the time. I was incredibly arrogant in what I thought my understanding of BPD was/is.  But in conclusion, while the pain and hurt were very real, the good times were euphoric and unrealistic; Im also coming out the other side with a better understanding of things I was lacking, how I was being a really poor friend, my mental health, and to chill my arrogance of confusing knowledge with experience. Just because you read something doesnt mean you understand the full gravity of experiencing it. I am also extremely glad it ended when and how it did, because I have no freaking clue how far I would have continued down that rabbit hole, it was blindingly easy to just keep going. If in the future we reconnect, I am going to be far better equipped to not only be a better friend to her, but also more resolute in my own behaviors.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Friend333, 

Thank you for sharing in depth about what you've gone through but also what you have learned. I hear self reflection going on, and that's pretty important. Without it we end up being the victim and never stepping out of that trap.

So where are you at the moment in your life in regards to relationships? Can you share how you have been able to apply some of the things you have learned?

Wools