Her logic is that it’s ok to cheat if you don’t get caught

[Crzypopmac]

My wife of a year and a half left I helped her move gave her money for moving and security deposit, last May she wanted a reconciliation I agreed, over the summer we dated and she even came home and spent some weekends at home, we went to see her granddaughter out of state for a week, paid for everything plane tickets hotel etc during that time everything seemed good we were getting along even a little intimate came back mid November..I did not have her over thanksgiving because frankly my two grown children dislike her, thanksgiving nite she call d me and asked me to come over to sleep with her of course I said yes...but when I got to her apt she started in on me why I did not have her over for thanksgiving needless to say I did not spend the night... that weekend Saturday we went to the gym went out to eat and went back to her apt we watched some tv but she again picked a fight it ended that night with me asking her did she want a divorce... Monday morning she called me at 9am woke me up to tell me she loved me and didn’t want a divorce I told her I loved her and didn’t want a divorce either...I called her twice around 8 pm no answer and voice mail was full so I drove to her apartment knocked on the door twice no answer so I walked in and flipped on the lights and called her name I walked back to the bedroom and called her name a man sat up in the bed and pulled a gun on me telling me to back the PLEASE READ off... not being inclined to get shot I left she called the cops and got a trespassing warrant on me... I turned myself in the next day released and have a court date in January... her logic is that it’s ok to cheat if you don’t get caught that I had no business walking into her apartment... which really I should not have even if the door was unlocked... even so she has called now a couple days ago telling me she missed me and that the excop is an asshole her words...: I had to tell her that he because we have a criminal case In which she is the complaining party and I am the defendant that we should have no contact...the crazy part is that I love her ...everyone tells me to leave her abandon her let her go she’s unstable I know ...my concern is that she has called me and threatened suicide before I don’t know if I am man enough to take her back if she wants to work it out MAC

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[Harri]

Hi and welcome. 

Wow, that is a lot to be dealing with.  How are you holding up? 

We have had guys here with similar stories so know you are not alone.  At some point you may want to post on our Family Law board regarding your impending court date.   Here is the link:  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=10.0  In the meantime I moved your thread here to the Bettering board as this is where we focus on tools that can help calm situations and improve communication regardless of relationship status.

Staying away from her while you have pending criminal charges is smart.  You also want to consider how this will affect your relationship going forward.  Will she file charges against you for something else one day?  Again, we have had men work through this sort of issue before so you are in the right place.

my concern is that she has called me and threatened suicide before I don’t know if I am man enough to take her back if she wants to work it out MAC

Can you tell us more about this, specifically what you mean when you say you don't think you are man enough to take her back?  I am not sure what being a man has to do with taking someone back in a volatile relationship like this means (I am female BTW ) and I want to understand.

I hope to hear more from you soon.  In the meantime, we have lots to read here.  Check out the topics tacked to the top of the board.  Also feel free to jump in and post in other threads as well. 

Again

[Crzypopmac]

OK someone questioned my use of the phrase "man enough" perhaps that was an awkward turn of phrase, I suppose what I was saying was that I might not be mature enough to forgive her, and what if every time we were together (let alone be intimate) the image of her in bed with him that night would endless replay in my head like a endless loop on an old VCR tape

[Crzypopmac]

I will also add that during our trip out of state to see her granddaughter she went into my phone and deleted all our texts going back at least a year...it was in some of these texts that she talked about suicide...and while I'm at it I will also add that since all the drama on December 2 with her boyfriend pulling a gun on me...she has, last Wednesday, called me...she had been drinking told me she missed me, I slipped up and called her baby, and told her I did miss her, she then trash talked her boyfriend calling him an asshole because he was having his ex come to visit him over Christmas and asked my wife to stay with him to insure that he would not sleep with his ex...I had to explain to her that we are in the middle of a criminal case where she is the complaining  party  and I am the defendant and that the Assistant Commonwealth Attorney would not appreciate her calling me, for that matter my lawyer would not be thrilled either...so I am on here venting...confused about my feelings for her,  I'm not blaming her, she literally has no control over the BPD and I am certain that she feels like she is in a constant chaotic state and sees no end in sight MAC

[Harri]

Hi MAC!

what I was saying was that I might not be mature enough to forgive her, and what if every time we were together (let alone be intimate) the image of her in bed with him that night would endless replay in my head like a endless loop on an old VCR tape

That is also something a lot of our members have had to work through.   Whether to reconcile is not always a question of emotional maturity.  What are your values around infidelity?   I think your answer to that will help guide you in terms of deciding how you wish to proceed. 

I know it is hard to not respond when she calls you.  Given the legal situation, it is a matter or self-preservation and thinking long term consequences.   Not to panic you but (!) you have a lot at stake here.   Think with your logical mind rather than your emotional mind at this point.  Easy for me to say from way over here I know. 

Will you consider posting on the legal board I gave a link to in my previous post.  You will find members there who have either had charges filed against them, been arrested, etc and can help support you.

What do you think?

[Mutt]

Hi Mac,

That’s quite the story - that has to be hard to have a gun pulled on you and you get a trespassing warrant. You know this person she’s a loved one.

I agree with Harri and I want to add listen to the advice that you’re L gives you. You have to lookout for yourself in a matter like this.

her,  I'm not blaming her, she literally has no control over the BPD and I am certain that she feels like she is in a constant chaotic state and sees no end in sight MAC

She is still responsible for her actions. Think of it this way if she has a mental illness she still has an obligation to take care of herself and seek treatment for her mental illness. Remaining in a constant state of chaos is something that she has to take responsibility for and change that by seeking help for herself.

Again I want to echo what Harri said, self reflect and think about your values and if it aligns with them.