Replicating family patterns at work

[etown]

Hello everyone,

I find myself feeling very frustrated this morning for a number of reasons. I've been in this incredibly challenging position at my work for a while. I'm one amongst a small group of colleagues who don't have meetings very often, but when we do, I always feel like my ideas get shot down immediately by the people in charge. I feel like I've been singled out as not belonging in my place of work by certain people with a small amount of power. When I'm not around them, I'm fine. I do a good job but that rarely gets recognized. There are structural problems but there are also interpersonal problems that feel very much out of my control but still quite invasive. What's worse is that I'm a contract worker and these issues have resulted in a loss of work that really throws my finances off balance. I think I'll be ok in the long run, but I spent a lot of my childhood in poverty and making enough money to survive is a huge and constant pressure in my mind.

The reason I'm posting this here is that my counsellor has said again and again that my work situation mirrors my childhood situation with my BPD mom and absent (narcissistic) father. That feeling that I'm constantly being watched for the slightest error that could lead to a terrifying breakdown. That feeling of not belonging and not being cared for, of not being wanted. That feeling that I have so much responsibility and I try to be so good, and yet I'm always in trouble.

I feel really ambivalent about this. On the one hand, seeing patterns in my life helps me to monitor my own reactions and, I guess, care for myself when I'm triggered. On the other hand, it makes me uncertain whether I'm genuinely being bullied (which is what it feels like) or whether I'm just overreacting because of my history. This is so much stress on top of a rather stressful job. I like so much of the job. It really is a dream in some respects, but in others it's soul crushing. So I'm asking myself whether it's worth fighting for my place there or if I should just give up and do something else.

Times like these, I really wish I had a mother or father who I could talk to and rely on for real comfort and advice. But I'm NC with both of them for good reasons, and I know what would happen anyway. Neither of them would listen, both of them would centre themselves in some way and I would ultimately feel much much worse and much more alone.

So I don't know, does anyone have experience of having their painful childhood patterns with bpd parents crop up in other parts of their lives? How did you deal with it? How do you trust your own perception of tense interactions when you have this history of trauma? Words of wisdom would be much appreciated.

[zachira]

In response to your question, yes, I have seen the painful pattern with a mother with BPD and a father with narcissistic traits show up in all areas of my life: work, friendships, relationships, everywhere. The only thing that really has changed these patterns for me has been long term therapy: looking at myself and how I attract these type of people and make the relationships with them worse than they have to be. You are in therapy which shows you have the courage to make changes, to improve your relationships while looking at the sorrow you feel which at times can be overwhelming. You have taken a really positive first step in recognizing that you find yourself at times involved with people that seem to ressemble your parents. There are many people on this site who are challenged with repeating the unhealthy relationships they have with their parents with other people in their life and have worked to change these patterns. Do read other posts and the educational materials on this site. We are here to listen and support you.

[gotbushels]

etown   

[...]
I always feel like my ideas get shot down immediately by the people in charge.
[...]
I feel like I've been singled out as not belonging in my place of work by certain people with a small amount of power.

It seems like the people in charge are the ones with the power you describe. Not having your suggestions considered can feel frustrating.

Can you give an example of your idea being dismissed?

There are structural problems but there are also interpersonal problems that feel very much out of my control but still quite invasive.

Example?

What's worse is that I'm a contract worker and these issues have resulted in a loss of work that really throws my finances off balance.

I know what this feels like.

I think I'll be ok in the long run, but I spent a lot of my childhood in poverty and making enough money to survive is a huge and constant pressure in my mind.

You aren't alone. There's a lot of us here with difficult FOO issues without the free-pass that some of our siblings may seem to have. I get the struggle is real. I haven't advice here, but what helped me a lot was praying to get through it. My experience of this is that praying helped me a lot to get through tough times when you don't have 'normal' parents you can turn to at a given time.

That feeling that I'm constantly being watched for the slightest error that could lead to a terrifying breakdown.

It can feel exhausting to go through work for errors until the thing is spotless. So I know it. Can you be specific about a piece of work where you feel you could have a terrifying breakdown?

That feeling that I have so much responsibility and I try to be so good, and yet I'm always in trouble.

Can you get specific? Reason why I ask this a lot is because it helped me to drill-down. I found it was easier to understand (and avoid/untangle) any relationships at work that we may (subconsciously) confuse with relationships from a difficult FOO situation.

The reason I'm posting this here is that my counsellor has said again and again that my work situation mirrors my childhood situation [...]

How, specifically, is there a pattern—who represents your BPDM and absent father?

I feel really ambivalent about this. On the one hand, seeing patterns in my life helps me to monitor my own reactions and, I guess, care for myself when I'm triggered.

Yes, I appreciate this. Knowing these patterns helps you to know where you may want to improve in your life. In the same way combing details can make you error-free (and no dramas arise), but it also saps your energy away from other tasks that are more important to your boss.

Hoping to hear your sharing.



What zachira said is very true.

I have seen the painful pattern [...] show up in all areas of my life: work, friendships, relationships, everywhere.

We often feel like we've been trying very hard to avoid patterns from our past relationships appearing in our present—but somehow they may persist. I encourage you not to get upset with yourself about it. Yes you may have come from a FOO family that isn't normal—yes it's unpleasant to deal with—but yes you can get through it. I share with you the hope that it can be a very rewarding experience—despite the misfortune of having a BPM or an absent father or both.

[etown]

Hi Gotbushels and Zacchire,

Thanks for the questions. It's hard to drill down without becoming too specific and perhaps breaching the anonymity of this space. But I'll try:

In a meeting recently, everyone was asked for suggestions on how to improve something. I offered a very reasonable suggestion and was immediately shot down while others suggested far less reasonable suggestions that were taken in and not rejected at all.

This doesn't seem like a big thing except a few weeks ago in a one-on-one meeting with that same boss, he told me he thought I wasn't qualified to do my job although I have the same qualification as most of the people who do the same work I do. He said that my lack of qualification was what has been affecting the stability of my work. He said he didn't think I was trained to do the work to his standards. So I went to a higher up boss and she told me (not for the first time) it wasn't my qualifications at all, it was something about the way I do my job. Except she couldn't give me any specifics because the person who had complained was the previous boss.

The structural problems are a lack of consistency and transparency in hiring practises. I'll very likely be filing a grievance about it with my union about it and I believe they'll support me. The interpersonal problems are the lack of communication between me and this particular boss who told me I wasn't qualified and whose feedback, I've learned, is the reason I'm not getting regular work. But the union can't help me with the issue I have with that boss because that's outside their purview. The union rep basically told me to let that part go.

So I walk into this meeting already stressed out by this and try to take part in a thoughtful way, and that same boss is as dismissive, defensive and rude as he always is with me. And I leave the meeting feeling almost nauseous and a little dizzy, which is clearly a trauma reaction. But then I begin to question whether I'm overreacting or whether I'm really experiencing what feels like bullying. Am I fixating on this boss unfairly? Do I stand up for myself? Do I complain? Will that just make me look crazy? Or do I just keep letting this happen? In the past, I've made myself responsible for everything around me. That's part of my trauma, the desire to control and care for everyone in order to find some stability. This is something I've been working on for a long time. But where's the end? At what point is it no longer my fault that things are bad?

I have evidence that I do my job well. I've worked really hard to support the people I'm supposed to support in this job. I'm well liked and respected amongst those people. This is where the responsibility comes in--I do that work well but I just keep getting torn down. I feel like maybe I should just quit and try to find a new job, but my field is small and I'm afraid nowhere else will hire me. I feel diminished and stupid and exhausted, and I don't know how much of it is me and how much of it is the place where I work.

[zachira]

It sounds like you are in a work environment where honest thoughtful feedback is not appreciated. Often those in power, want to hear only what makes them feel good. I struggled at work and other relationships because I gave feedback to people that didn't want it at all, and I believe this was my way of trying to get validation from people that are like my family members with BPD and NPD. What would your ideal work environment look like? What kind of relationships would you like to have with your bosses and other coworkers?

[etown]

It sounds like you are in a work environment where honest thoughtful feedback is not appreciated.

This is true! And so frustrating because I'm one of the people who have to deal with the fallout of bad decisions, not those further up.

Often those in power, want to hear only what makes them feel good. I struggled at work and other relationships because I gave feedback to people that didn't want it at all, and I believe this was my way of trying to get validation from people that are like my family members with BPD and NPD.

I definitely feel like I look for more external validation than is perhaps healthy. This is something I'm continuing to work on.

What would your ideal work environment look like? What kind of relationships would you like to have with your bosses and other coworkers?

I want a workplace where I feel like we're all working together toward a common goal and everyone's ideas are valued. I want a workplace where I feel accepted and valued for who I am (which I certainly do in some parts of this job) and not constantly treated like I don't belong for one reason or another. I want a workplace where I can make little mistakes and get corrected without worrying about getting fired, where feedback is straightforward and reasonable. In the other part of my career (I do a few different things that are somewhat interconnected), I have great relationships with the people I work with. I get feedback, make corrections, work closely with folks to make the work better. That's what I want from all my work places.

[zachira]

That makes sense that at times you are looking for external validation from people who are not capable of giving you that. You do have the kind of relationships you want with certain people, and you seem to have unrealistic expectations with people who are similar to your parents, that they will give you the validation you never got from your parents. I hope you don't mind my sharing a story of my own, that may or may not be helpful. I was working at a job for a boss who clearly wanted to be worshipped by her employees. I knew one day that she was doing something that was totally out of character yet I could not resist trying to get the validation I was seeking from her. The boss held an employee meeting and insisted she really wanted feedback on how to improve the work environment. All the other employees were well aware that this boss did not want any feedback and kept their mouths shut. Having grown up with a mother with BPD and a father with narcissistic traits, I could not resist giving her what I considered to be a brilliant idea that I thought the boss would absolutely love. I said we had many employees that did outstanding work and I thought it would be nice to give some of those employees some recognition for their contributions. At that time, the organization regularly gave awards to people for the years they had worked there and nothing else. There was also an atmosphere of bullying in which the bullies got rid of the better employees. The boss immediately hauled me out of the meeting and said they had tried that, that giving awards to the best employees turned them into targets. She also wanted to know who was on board with my suggestion. I think your description of what you want in a work environment is possible, particularly if you are self employed or work for a small organization. I have worked for big organizations where there is always someone on top that makes  bad decisions that hurt those below them. It seems the people that seek out the top management positions are often those who want to have control and power over others. Now that you know what you want in a work environment, can you give us a plan for creating or/and finding that type of work environment? What you are describing does exist in certain work environments; the challenge of getting work in the healthier workplaces is there are not vacancies very often because the happy employees stay. Is it possible to stay where you are and change the work environment or is that not really possible?

[gotbushels]

etown  

So I went to a higher up boss and she told me (not for the first time) it wasn't my qualifications at all, it was something about the way I do my job. Except she couldn't give me any specifics because the person who had complained was the previous boss.

A few different thoughts from me here. It seems like for whatever reason, the lower boss doesn't like you. I think it's quite normal to not have 100% of people in a workplace like you—it's just an issue if one of those people is someone who is managing you.

When I'm at work and I have an issue with someone that is related to the work—there's almost always a specific reason. E.g., if someone continually makes careless mistakes, that's a driver. If someone is always reactive when they have to work with someone else, that's a driver. If someone continually uses work to politic people away from working with them, that's a driver.

So when you tell me the higher boss doesn't have specifics for you—then this seems to me an issue of fit. I do think that culture is people's experience of a workplace, but that culture is a big-picture context. How people experience culture is the sum of their experiences with specific people. When most other people are getting their ideas worked-on, and one person isn't, then the issue probably isn't culture, but between specific people.

Workplace issues are complex and I remember one book I used dealing with politics had something like 16 different permutations of difficult people. Therefore I encourage you not to take this kind of this personally—if you find there's truth regarding the liking thing.

I find when I'm happy with a set of tasks, in a particular work environment—there's usually some imperfections. If I'm mostly happy with the job as a whole—and I see whatever shortcomings I perceive in that context, then I conclude that's a pretty good job.

E.g., I worked with a horror of a boss that I really hated. I didn't specifically put butt-to-yoga-mat and get mindful on the idea—but this is how I'd describe my experience. I thought about how much I like the job and why, and put a number to it. It was 60–90% horrible, so I started searching for another job. Yes the job had some good points, but it was 60—90% horrible for other reasons, so as a whole, I didn't want to stay in it.

Am I fixating on this boss unfairly? Do I stand up for myself? Do I complain? Will that just make me look crazy? Or do I just keep letting this happen?

Can you move internally or find another job? It's not that you go and do these things. I suggest them to you because when you see your value on the job market to other places—it'll often help you mitigate the stress you've got in this particular basket of eggs. I find it helps a lot—it keeps you from being in the I-need-this-job-I-need-this-boss kind of desperate mode.

I'll share with you—me too, I had a nauseous reaction in a meeting with 1 boss. I'll call him Buab (belongs-under-a-bus). At that point I'd learned to try to sit and understand what my body was telling me. I tried to trust my intuition. So I decided to work my way out of that job, I prayed—and I did. It's not a coincidence that the team leader resigned along with almost the entire team (all of us got along well with each other)—everyone had beef with Buab. So again, trust your gut, sit down and ask yourself what is the thing that is bugging you about this person. See if you're OK with it in the job as a whole—and look at what your options are.

I feel like maybe I should just quit and try to find a new job, but my field is small and I'm afraid nowhere else will hire me. I feel diminished and stupid and exhausted, and I don't know how much of it is me and how much of it is the place where I work.

If you're afraid no one else with hire you—then investigate it. Even in ultra-competitive fields, you may not get that specific job you want—but often there will be other skills employers want that you have.

A lot of these lessons with FOO and issues with ex's teach us to trust our feelings more, so I encourage you to listen to them, get conscious with them, and decide what your best outcome is here. That's consistent with what de Becker (quoting Ingmar Bergman) suggests that if your intuition is like a spear into the dark, then search for where it went with your intellect. I think that's what learning to trust our feelings looks like. I'd rather do that for a moment than stay with Buab.

But where's the end? At what point is it no longer my fault that things are bad?

My suggestion here is to find things in your environment that support your hypothesis. If you're a good worker—don't blowup when things make you seem incompetent. Try to see all the good and bad in their right contexts so you at least get an accurate appraisal of what kind of worker you are.

Also, careful of the minimisation distortion. In my example with Buab above, of course I asked "is it me"—so amongst others things, I saw the fact that there was 150%+ staff turnover in the division Buab was responsible for—a fact that supports that the problem probably isn't me. I encourage you to look for things that support your hypothesis.

Enjoy your peace.