BPD Family

[Hummingbird29]

I’m getting married in about a month. I’m not sure what it is about weddings that make people get so crazy (obviously for people with BPD it’s fear of abandonment). I recently purchased the book “Stop Walking On Eggshells” for my fiancé and I because it is CLEAR his sister is a high functioning person with BPD, who has a MAJOR vendetta against me and verbally abuses my finance. Today I began reading it. I got to page 115, when I suddenly realized “holy crap, not only does she has BPD but I’m pretty sure my mother does too”. Can this be? Perhaps that’s why my fiancé and I can really relate to the abuse because we both have been going through it, believing it’s normal. I am his first significant relationship and he is my first HEALTHY one. We’re both in therapy individually and go together from time to time- but I was wondering if anyone can shine light on this? Have you ever realized that your family and the family you’re marrying into both have this disease?

[zachira]

The answer to your question is absolutely. First of all, I want to congratulate you and your fiance on your self awareness, willingness to go to therapy to try to better understand yourselves and what is going on in your families. I come from a family full of people from both my mother's  and father's families with all kinds of mental illnesses along with personality disorders (which are too numerous to list) along with developmental disorders like high functioning autism, better known as Aspergers. People who are at the same level of mental health functioning tend to marry each other. This means lower functioning people tend to marry each other whereas those who are higher functioning also tend to marry each other.

[Hummingbird29]

Thanks for writing back! I honestly feel a sense of relief. For so long I could not understand why my mother would ruin every special occasion for me, run hot and cold, abandon me in my biggest time of needs, cling to me, and abuse me. My mother is also a psychologist who has been practicing for over 40years,  so she is a master manipulator. But it was watching my fiancé get beat down the other day by his sister which was a MAJOR wake up call for me. Seeing someone I love so so much, be abused filled me feel such disgust (ironically my mother was in my house when this was happening- it was the day after Thanksgiving) that I felt like I needed to do something, as we keep having reoccurring episodes with her that are incredibly damaging not only for my fiancé and his parents but for his nieces (who she punishes, ie. they’re no longer jr bridesmaids in our wedding)

[Turkish]

Weddings tend to be a big trigger point. It should be abouttje couple, but emotionally needy relatives can make it about them. How do you think it will go given your boundaries?

[zachira]

Glad I could help. You mention that your mother with BPD is a psychologist. The therapy profession attracts a lot of people who are mentally ill themselves. The only good therapists are the ones who have gone to personal therapy themselves and are open on an ongoing basis to get supervision and go to personal therapy when needed. It must have been difficult for you to see that your mother has BPD knowing that she is a psychologist. The scariest part of this disorder for me is how my family members seem so normal to outsiders though from the inside it is clear there are plenty of serious mental health problems.

[Hummingbird29]

Yes that’s so true. Everyone would say “oh it must be amazing having Dr. M as a mom! She’s so awesome, she’s helped me so much”, when I KNOW when she comes home she’s a totally different person. I’ve really been working with my therapist on establishing healthy boundaries with her. It’s hard with the holidays though. Last Saturday we went to go pick up my wedding dress and she was being very aggressive and rude, not to mention she put her leftovers from lunch ( a salad with seafood) on my dress! I was so upset and then she started cursing me out in front of my neighbors. It was so crazy. So my fiancé and I are supposed to go to her house for the holidays this Saturday and I’m just not feeling it. I’ve been using the “block caller” technique on my phone all week and I realize how anxious I get getting calls or texts from her, not to mention seeing her in person. She’s what I call in “major apocalyptic mode” about feeling abandoned about my wedding- but I just can’t keep going through this abuse, especially since I am recognizing it more and more (thanks to therapy and “Surviving the Borderline Parent”)

[GaGrl]

How many days will you be spending with your mother? Do you have activities planned that will prevent too much concentrated one-on-one time?

[Methuen]

The scariest part of this disorder for me is how my family members seem so normal to outsiders though from the inside it is clear there are plenty of serious mental health problems.

I really appreciated seeing this in print Zachira.  I've always "felt" like maybe I'm just too biased or just too "close" to my mom, because everyone else seems clueless about any issues.  As always on this board, it's again good to know I'm not alone.

Have you ever realized that your family and the family you’re marrying into both have this disease?

I think so.  I'm slowly forming a theory that PD's are maybe more common than we think.  I lived my whole life thinking my mom's behavior was normal (until last summer) and felt that the relationship issues between her and I must be my fault.  When I opened my eyes and learned about BPD, I turned to my H and said, I think your sister also has some kind of PD.  He now agrees, although for years he wanted to believe he had the perfect family, and was in a kind of denial.  But there comes a point for some of us with PD's, where denial is no longer possible, and we have to figure out how we're going to deal with it.

You're not alone

In the meantime, focus on your joyful wedding occasion.  That is a glorious thing to look forward to.  Don't let this stuff taint that occasion.  Surround yourself with positive people, and consider finding ways to limit exposure to those negative influences.  Your mom is probably struggling with "losing you" (fear of abandonment) to your fiance.  It's to be expected if she's BPD.  Accept that and also know that it's her problem and you can't be the one to fix it.  So enjoy your wedding planning and have fun in the lead up to this joyful occasion!  Congratulations!