Am I making the same mistake again?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hello all,
hoping to get some perspective on this. I'm separated since close to 4 years, have only dated sporadically. While on a holiday for Christmas I by chance met this woman during a dinner at a restaurant. We spent the evening together and I can honestly say it was one of the best evenings of my life.

When the hour got late, she wanted us to do more. A bit quick for me, and she didn't enjoy me turning her down (I think I heard the word "stupid" in there, but we'd had drinks so there could be that).

Since we exchanged phone nos we've had a lot of texting since. She is very quick on a lot of things (like bringing up marriage and being soulmates). I try to tell her I need to take things slow but she's not too happy of that (although seems accepting).

What complicates things (a lot) is that she lives far away, and will probably move even further away in 3-6 mons time.

Despite this she seems to want to form some kind of relationship.

Now, I'm not only dealing with anxiety that I feel like I must commit to something here (or she will probably quickly move on), but I'm also suspecting some red flags in this, that I've promised myself are now dealbreakers after my marriage - I don't want to get into something that is remotely BPD again.

Any ideas?

[empathic]

Hello all,
hoping to get some perspective on this. I'm separated since close to 4 years, have only dated sporadically. While on a holiday for Christmas I by chance met this woman during a dinner at a restaurant. We spent the evening together and I can honestly say it was one of the best evenings of my life.

When the hour got late, she wanted us to do more. A bit quick for me, and she didn't enjoy me turning her down (I think I heard the word "stupid" in there, but we'd had drinks so there could be that).

Since we exchanged phone nos we've had a lot of texting since. She is very quick on a lot of things (like bringing up marriage and being soulmates). I try to tell her I need to take things slow but she's not too happy of that (although seems accepting).

What complicates things (a lot) is that she lives far away, and will probably move even further away in 3-6 mons time.

Despite this she seems to want to form some kind of relationship.

Now, I'm not only dealing with anxiety that I feel like I must commit to something here (or she will probably quickly move on), but I'm also suspecting some red flags in this, that I've promised myself are now dealbreakers after my marriage - I don't want to get into something that is remotely BPD again.

Any ideas?

[Lucky Jim]

Hey empathic, I suggest you listen to your gut feelings.  You already know something is "off."

Now is a good time to take a step back and pause.  You're not under a deadline.  I find it odd that she's bringing up marriage and being soulmates when you hardly know each other.

It's your call, friend, so do what's right for you.

LJ

[SinisterComplex]

So empathic, what I would advise you to do is similar to LJ here. Listen to your intuition and instincts. Additionally, approach each and every situation with the ripple effect decision making process in mind. Not only that, but please do yourself a favor and change your mindset. I see too much insecurity, scarcity thinking, and coming from a place of weakness. I mean no offense. I am just trying to make you aware. You came here because I get the sense you know this. So I am going to give you that encouragement to snap out of it and believe in yourself. Come from a place of power, think in abundance and have the confidence to pull the plug and move on knowing their will be better opportunities. Don't close the walls in on yourself and don't limit your options in your mind. Remember you get back what you project out to the world.

Most importantly, if you are seeing red flags and you have deal breakers you feel you would be relenting on then the answer is already speaking to you inside your own mind. I do not need to spell it out for you any further. What you do is strictly up to you. Just make the decision that is truly in your own best interest.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[empathic]

Thanks both of you. It’s turned to the better the last couple of days actually. I told her we should slow it down and she really respected that. She doesn't seem like she wants to force anything. So much that I actually brought up yesterday that I don’t need it quite so slow anymore (maybe a mistake but we need to find some level here).

There's also a built-in slowness in that she's with her (teenage) kids right now, in a foreign country, and I am with mine. I no longer feel like I must commit to something or I will lose her. I must say she's handled her new situation in a good way - my ex would have been complaining a lot in a similar situation.

I guess we really need to meet to find out more, it’s hard to see red flags over just text. I suggested that we should phone/FaceTime today, we probably should do that more (if possible for her right now).

You're right that I need to own this and express my needs, and I think I'm getting there. I think a lot of I wrote initially in my post comes down to my insecurities.

I've also coming to realize that I really, really like this woman. So it does feel exciting right now, and I feel happier than I have in a long time.