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Topic: Mother with possible BPD (Read 499 times)
Junco
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Mother with possible BPD
«
on:
January 05, 2020, 11:15:57 AM »
I'm new here and looking for answers to my mother's behavior. My therapist believes she has BPD traits. My mother immediately turned against me the day she found out my brother died. It was as if a switch was flipped. She has always had patterns of estrangement with family members and difficulty getting along with others, but I never thought she would turn on me. We had a complex relationship but were on speaking terms before he died. In fact, she sent me a birthday gift in the mail that I received on the same day that I learned of his death.
My brother died a year and a half ago after long standing substance abuse problems. My mother was his caregiver and decision maker. For 20 years he was in and out of jail, rehab, halfway houses, and at times lived with or near my mother. He and I were not close because he was verbally abusive to me, stole from me and damaged my things when we were growing up. I did, however, include him in my wedding and was open to a relationship with him. When he died, my mother did not tell me. I found out through my stepfather, who left a message with my husband for me to call my mother.
My phone call to my mother did not go well. She accused me of not doing enough to help my brother because I didn't attend her Christmas party a few years ago, which she intended to be a reunion between my brother and her estranged family. My brother had just gotten out of jail and my aunts and uncle had no knowledge of this. My mother had always told me not to speak about my brother with her family, so the prospect of this family reunion made me feel too uncomfortable to attend. At the time of my brother's death she was estranged from her family again, and she threatened that if I told them of his death, she would never speak to me again. She hung up on me as I tried to explain why my brother's drug usage and other traumatic experiences in my life made it impossible for me to have a close relationship with him.
My mother didn't contact my other brothers to let them know of his death. There was no funeral service or death notice. One brother found out through Facebook, and the other was informed through an anonymous letter, mailed from a zip code 100 miles from any family members. My brother who found out on Facebook called my mother to ask if it was true. My mother then emailed me, accusing my husband and me of making ourselves feel important by putting "her" life on Facebook, and even blaming my husband's sisters. I explained we had nothing to do with a Facebook post, but she persisted. I told her she was sick and needed psychiatric help. I meant this out of concern, not as an insult. She kept going on, telling me not to contact her with my medical issues (she's a nurse practitioner). I had to tell her to back off if she ever wanted to hear from me again. To this day, we haven't spoken.
I believe my stepfather sent the anonymous letter and Facebook message to my brothers, disguising his identity as to not upset my mother, who probably told him not to tell anyone about my brother's death. I don't understand how she could have expected his death to remain a secret. She seems to have a deep shame about my brother's addiction as if is a reflection on her (for example, her accusation that I put her - not his - life on Facebook). At the same time she seems to have put my brother on a pedestal, treating him as an innocent victim of his drug addiction, and stating that he wouldn't harm anyone else (I know this to be untrue because of his criminal record). I realize that the death of a child is very difficult for any mother to cope with, and I should have compassion for her in her grief, but her reaction to his death is not normal, and is hurtful to me. I am worried about her but keeping my distance. I feel as if she betrayed me, and I don't think I can ever trust her again. I dread speaking to her again, yet I am concerned for her health as she's almost 80 years old.
I'm not sure if my mother meets all of the BPD criteria, but I believe she's been hiding her BPD traits while all along she's been hanging on by a thread. But indications of BPD were there. For example, she's always had some kind of control on me, but I never feel I have her complete approval or validation. She's been less than supportive about my career choices, simply because they are not her idea. When my husband and I started a business a few years, she tried to persuade us to go in another direction. If I don't follow her advice, it seems to upset her. Other people have described her as a know-it-all. I could go on and on, but the truth is that I don't know if I can have a relationship with her again.
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Junco
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Re: Mother with possible BPD
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Reply #1 on:
January 05, 2020, 03:52:21 PM »
I apologize that this post is so lengthy but I hope to get some support and insight from this community. I have compared my mother's behavior over the years to the clinical definition of BPD, and am not sure if she has it. Her behavior toward me is nowhere as extreme as BPD mothers I've read about (waif, victim, etc.) so I don't know if she meets the criteria or if I'm in the right place at this website.
There hasn't been any mother/child role reversal or extreme neediness of my time and attention. I don't see that she has any irrational fear of abandonment, except from my stepfather who came later in her life. She hated my father and frequently argued with him at night, yelling at him and crying, while denying it the next day, or telling me it didn't concern me. She believed he was insensitive and hurtful, and plotted secretly for years to gain independence and divorce him. She often had conflicts with her siblings and parents, and our visits with them were infrequent. She would often break off contact with them for years. She "keeps score" and brings up things that happened years ago as ammunition against someone to bring up when she's angry about something else. She always seems to be the person abandoning her relationships instead of the other way around.
She had four kids, and only two of us became responsible adults. One brother broke off contact with her completely, and two would contact her when they needed money or got in trouble with the law. The one time she was potentially suicidal to my knowledge was when one of my brothers broke off communication with her after she had helped him financially. My stepfather was concerned enough to call me and ask me to check up on her. I believe she has strong religious convictions against suicide, however.
She seems to have control issues and gets some validation out of being needed by her children. When I was growing up she always told me I was a "bad seed" and a "spoiled brat." She would give me material things, then accuse me of not appreciating it. While I had the advantage of participating in dance, music, and art classes, she would often enroll me in a class that was not my first choice. She always tried to make me feel guilty by commenting that her parents never let her play a musical instrument, enroll in dance classes, Girl Scouts, etc. To this day, I've always lacked confidence in my decisions and looked for validation from my mother.
As far as impulsiveness, my mother isn't very currently impulsive but went through a "wild" period after divorcing my father that she dated a younger man with motorcycle gang connections. She talked to me about things in her dating experience that I didn't think were mother-daughter appropriate, especially in the context of her religious background and the values she imprinted on me. She also went through a period in which she was drinking a lot, but she stopped drinking after meeting my stepfather.
After meeting my stepfather she has kept her emotions largely under control, but still remained estranged from her family. She has been extremely generous to me as far as giving gifts of money, thoughtful gifts and making me quilts, but doesn't like to spend a lot of time with me. She has expressed guilt over the way she raised me and seemed to spend money on me to try to make it up.
Her anger toward me in relation to my brother's death took me by surprise. Has she been holding in resentment toward me all these years for not helping with or contacting my brother? I don't know. She once asked if my brother could contact me when he was in jail and I gave her permission to give him my address. He never contacted me, so I accepted that he wasn't interested in a relationship with me. My stepfather had been my mother's rock and I worry about what will happen to her if something happens to him since she's pushed everyone else out of her life. The guilt is severely affecting my life, so I appreciate any insights from the community.
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Methuen
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Re: Mother with possible BPD
«
Reply #2 on:
January 05, 2020, 06:41:41 PM »
Hi Junco
I'm sorry you are going through this with your mom. It's rough isn't it? But you are doing the right thing by seeking help.
Excerpt
My therapist believes she has BPD traits.
Well, from what you have shared, I can see why your therapist says that. It sounds like it fits, from your description.
Excerpt
She often had conflicts with her siblings and parents, and our visits with them were infrequent. She would often break off contact with them for years. She "keeps score" and brings up things that happened years ago as ammunition against someone to bring up when she's angry about something else.
She always seems to be the person abandoning her relationships instead of the other way around
.
Let's look at this last part another way. Your mom seems to struggle with a lot of dysfunctional relationship behaviors the way most of our mom's do. pwBPD have a distorted way of thinking. We sons/daughters can't change that distortion, because it's part of the disorder. Rational conversations that use techniques like explaining, defending, arguing, or justifying just don't work and can make it worse, whereas with healthy people or non-BP's these strategies usually do work. pwBPD struggle with their intimate relationships (partner, son/daughter etc). They can be very high functioning outside of these intimate relationships. But when they sabotage their intimate relationship with their distorted thinking and poor skills, the SO (significant other) may get quite desperate to protect themselves from emotional abuse. The BPD is very emotionally in tune and will pick up on this. A few times, my mom has gone NC with me (silent treatment), and now that I understand BPD, I wonder if it was a pre-emptive strike so I couldn't go LC or NC with her. By striking first, she had the power.
What do you think?
In addition, some of us have parents who have accused us of "abusing" them. My mom has only done this a couple of times in my life, but it can be a thing with some BPD's. I think this is called projecting. My mom has gone NC with her favorite sister for 10 years, and has now been NC with a lifelong friend for about 3 years. Her whole life, my mom has suffered intense feelings of abandonment, although sometimes these feelings can present differently than we might think. I am 57. In my married life everytime my nuclear family would go on a road trip, my mom would say things like "I'm going to miss you so much. I don't know how I'll manage while you're gone". Or, "I wish you wouldn't go away". One time, she even told us "I could die while you are gone". Guilt guilt guilt. Does any of that sound familiar? That is an example of her sense of abandonment, although it can present many different ways. I have a theory that my mother's PD developed because she grew up in an unsafe abusive home (her father was the abuser), and her mother died when my mom was 14/15. I don't know if anything like that rings with your mom and your situation with her.
It might be your mom just doesn't have the sense of abandonment trait. Everything else you've described seems pretty familiar.
I am learning ways of coping with my mom's dysfunction. It can get better, but not because my mom is going to change. Not exactly fair, but if it helps me have a less toxic relationship with her, and live with less chaos, I can live with that.
Welcome. We're glad you found us.
«
Last Edit: January 05, 2020, 06:48:53 PM by Methuen
»
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Harri
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Re: Mother with possible BPD
«
Reply #3 on:
January 06, 2020, 01:30:22 PM »
HI Junco and welcome.
Methuen gave a really great response here and I do not have much to add really. I do want to repeat that you are not alone in your experiences. We get it here. You are not alone in dealing with this, no anymore at least.
pwBPD (people with BPD) generally do not handle stress and things like grief very well. I am sorry to hear about your brother. I am even more sorry to hear that your mom lashed out at you in the way she did. Death can be seen as the ultimate abandonment too and that may have governed some of her response to his death. pwBPD use a lot of primitive defense mechanisms to cope. Actually all people do but pwBPD do it to an extreme.
Projection
is one of them. I do not mention that to defend your mom. I mention it because understanding the cause of some of my moms behaviors helped me to take them less personally and therefore I was less damaged by them.
Your mom certainly sounds like she has at least traits of BPD. Most of the people that are talked about on this site would not be diagnosed with BPD but do have traits which can be quite difficult to deal with. Regardless, you are in the right place to get some help. My mom did not meet all of the criteria of BPD but certainly had enough of the behaviors for me to use the label of BPD as a framework while I worked on healing me.
Anyway, I did not mean to chat so much here. I hope you post some more and read and learn as you go along. We can help you and support you.
Again, welcome.
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