Now I see why the MC waited

[pursuingJoy]

My H is very enmeshed with his BPD mom and either has BPD or at least bears some heavy BPD traits. He and I started marriage counseling after I finally set a boundary with his mom 6 months ago. (She insisted that she and her son made plans for her to move in with us. I said that wasn't the plan and it was inappropriate for her to make plans like this without me. Her feelings were hurt, and he verbally attacked me on the way home and since.)

After a few joint sessions, MC suggested to me in our first individual session that his mom probably has BPD. MC has refused to share this with him or address his mom's behavior. In fact, she's done very little but validate his feelings, to the point where he once said, "MC has never come out and said that my relationship with my mom is abnormal." This has been so hard. I stuck with her approach and trusted her, and after last night's session, I understand why she didn't want to be more forthright.

I shared last night that it hurt my feelings that MIL told me not to bother visiting her again unless I could be more friendly, and that he agreed with his mom once she said it. H finally said, "I don't know why my mom is the way she is."

For the first time, MC made a few statements like:

"You frequently jump in to take responsibility for your mom's hurtful behavior. You really need to allow her to take responsibility for her actions."

"Going forward, in conversations with your mom, I recommend that you pause and ask more questions. Your mom often responds out of a very emotional place and makes inaccurate statements."

"Even after your mom did and said really hurtful, inappropriate things, PJ has taken some really big steps towards your mom, some that have even surprised me. What steps has your mom taken?"

Now I see why MC had to wait for the right moment to speak to any of this. He went from zero to ninety in no time. He blamed me, "I wouldn't have any issue talking to you but you hold on to things too long and don't talk about them when they happen." He split, "We were great and now I learn that everything has gone to pot again. I can't take this anymore."

MC: "Let's pull back from the black and white a little. You've gone from one extreme to another. In reality this is a shade of gray, more of a speedbump. It's manageable and necessary for growth."

By the time we got home, I was fascinated that he had become super emotional. He was watching his favorite country music videos and crying.

I feel relieved that a little of the behavior was finally addressed. Downcast that his reaction to a small amount of information led to such a dramatic reaction. Anxious about the changes to come. Overwhelmed that it took 6 months to get her. Grateful that he's in counseling. Just a mess of emotions in my head and I had to share it with someone.

Thanks for being here.

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[Ozzie101]

That's great, pursuingJoy! Hopefully this will open the door to more growth. Of course, even if there is progress, it won't necessarily be linear, but you know that. Just keep hanging in there.

It's frustrating sometimes, but it sounds like your MC's eye was on the long game, which is good.

[2Loyal2Long]

PJ, my heart just broke reading this, gives me goosebumps over my own situation.  Lots of similarities except my relationship with in-laws broke down over two years ago.  It will most likely not ever be repaired.

I sure understand enmeshment and triangulation.  How wonderful you have an MC who knows what she’s  doing.  Believe it or not, I also feel compassion for your H and MIL.  It’s the natural course of life for sons to separate from their parents, some parents are unable to let go.  It must be hard for him to face and feel things that may have been pushed down too far and I’m guessing it was painful to not be 100% “right” about the situation.

How blessed you are to have an MC who knows how to be objective.  My uBPDh’s T refused to see parental enmeshment and it was then I realized I was odd man out.  His T is now one of his enablers and part of the triangulation.

My heart goes out to you, thank you for sharing.  It helps me to see there are T’s who can get to the bottom of this.  Bless your patient heart!

[pursuingJoy]

Thanks for getting it and being happy for me, Ozzie. I get used to being in the fight for so long that I experience a different level of stress or emotion when things start to move forward. I dare to have a little hope which makes me feel very vulnerable. I so appreciate you all here and the support I've found in you.

PJ, my heart just broke reading this, gives me goosebumps over my own situation.  Lots of similarities except my relationship with in-laws broke down over two years ago.  It will most likely not ever be repaired.

2L2L, so sorry you've been through this too. Not sure if it was the same with you, but my H and MIL are so black and white in their thinking that it creates extra challenges. Setting boundaries means I hate her, which means I should cut her off. My H has tried to corner me on numerous occasions to get me to say I don't want a relationship with her anymore. Oddly, this would provide him relief. He genuinely doesn't know how to handle a gray area of civility and occasional contact for the sake of peace.

Believe it or not, I also feel compassion for your H and MIL.  It’s the natural course of life for sons to separate from their parents, some parents are unable to let go.  It must be hard for him to face and feel things that may have been pushed down too far and I’m guessing it was painful to not be 100% “right” about the situation.

I so appreciate your understanding. You nailed it.

We work at the same agency and I just saw H for lunch. He didn't sleep last night and is exceptionally stressed today but is blaming it on everyday things - kids, construction at home, his job.  Intuition tells me he was triggered last night but he can't look at it yet. All of his angst is pouring into these outside things. It hurts my heart to watch him struggle and hurt, but I also know it's necessary for growth.

My uBPDh’s T refused to see parental enmeshment and it was then I realized I was odd man out.  His T is now one of his enablers and part of the triangulation.

Ugh. I'm so sorry. Finding a good counselor is a challenge. It took me 4 tries to find a counselor that we connected with.

Years ago I had a very wise counselor friend tell me he thought it was important for all counselors to also seek counseling. When I got to know her well enough, I had this conversation with the MC and she fully agreed. A very good friend of mine is a trained, licensed counselor but I learned quickly to carefully craft what I share because she has a very enmeshed relationship with her own mom. She perceives critiques of my MIL as critiques of her own mom. I guess they're human, just like us. I hope you haven't given up on therapy, though! It's so worth it with the right professional!

[2Loyal2Long]

PJ, I can just imagine he’s finding other things to blame his mood on because of the natural defense to protect the self.  There has to be much anxiety with the information that came out in your session last night.

Last night at the BPD support meeting I went to the facilitator said even therapists get emotionally dysregulated.  Most are in this field for personal reasons  and I’ve triggered more than one therapist.  My current T uses DBT and works on a team for her own emotional health, the way Marsha Linehan requires.  It also gives her additional feedback on each of her cases.  She also told me I’d encountered several narcissistic T’s in my past.  She’s very sharp.

T’s can get caught up in their own stuff so I see why you need to use a filter with your friend.  It does sound like she’s getting triggered.

If there’s any way to find a grey relationship with your MIL with loving boundaries I strongly suggest not making her an enemy.  As you can see in my situation, loyalties on the part of my uBPDh have gone to his mom (dad moved away three months ago).  Mom has my H all to herself.  I hope it drives him crazy to the point he’ll shift.  He told me a while back that all she ever does is complain about his dad now that he’s gone.  His parents each tried to get him to take their side for years until his dad bolted.  It was a horrible triangulation.  Now his mom basically has a helper, confidante, and a husband, my husband, all to herself.  My H has an older brother living on the property too.  The whole family is the most dysfunctional I’ve ever seen.

It’s not fun for H’s to be caught in the middle.  Like I said, some parents never let go.  There’s a book called “Silently Seduced,” it’s about emotional incest which enmeshment with a parent is.  I haven’t read it yet, I flipped through it and some of it hit home so hard it was too painful to read at the time.  Maybe I can now.

Cyberhugs for you, my friend.  Be the steady lighthouse in the middle of the storm.  Lighthouses guide, they don’t jump in the storm and get taken down by the waves and trip over rocks and icebergs.  You got this!