Discussion: Tough Love, Setting Boundaries...does it work?

[Harvester]

I’ve read conflicting information on “tough love” and setting boundaries.  Does this work for BPDs?  My experience has been that is doesn’t and causes more harm.  I’m interested to hear opinions, success stories, etc.

Respectfully,

Harvester

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Resiliant]

Hi Harvester,

This is SUCH a GREAT question!

I guess the answer depends on one's definition of "tough love".

My idea of tough love is to allow natural consequences to take place, even if we see our children suffer.

My husband's idea of tough love is more police or military style of crime and punishment.  No tolerating disrespectful behavior or attitudes etc.

In my experience, the latter (police or military) style has not only done more harm than good, it has been completely devastating and can destroy a BPD person and drive them to rock bottom.  I feel that it can be terribly harmful to their overall mental health.

The tough love that I do agree with is when you allow your BPD child to suffer natural consequences.  Don't rescue them.

As far as setting boundaries, we need to set them.  Explain your boundaries as best as you can and expect them to be respected.  You may run into resistance but you need to hold your ground.

Boundaries don't work well when our BPD loved ones don't understand them, or they don't understand why we have them.  Sometimes the reason for the boundary is misunderstood, or the BPD assumes there is a different reason for the boundary so it is important to be clear and honest.

In my case, I have had success with my style of tough love.  Having said that, it takes great patience.  It can take years!

R

[Harvester]

This is very helpful feedback, Resilient.  Thank you so much!