Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 29, 2024, 04:47:36 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Experts share their discoveries [video]
99
Could it be BPD
BPDFamily.com Production
Listening to shame
Brené Brown, PhD
What is BPD?
Blasé Aguirre, MD
What BPD recovery looks like
Documentary
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Discussion: Tough Love, Setting Boundaries...does it work?  (Read 370 times)
Harvester

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: Unsure
Posts: 23



« on: January 21, 2020, 06:33:08 PM »

I’ve read conflicting information on “tough love” and setting boundaries.  Does this work for BPDs?  My experience has been that is doesn’t and causes more harm.  I’m interested to hear opinions, success stories, etc.

Respectfully,

Harvester
Logged
Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
Resiliant
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: Married. With adult child relationship can be described as loving. Cloudy with sunny breaks. High wind warning. Risk of thunderstorms but much less severe than previous. Long term forecast shows promise of sunnier days ahead
Posts: 180



« Reply #1 on: January 21, 2020, 09:20:55 PM »

Hi Harvester,

This is SUCH a GREAT question!

I guess the answer depends on one's definition of "tough love".

My idea of tough love is to allow natural consequences to take place, even if we see our children suffer.

My husband's idea of tough love is more police or military style of crime and punishment.  No tolerating disrespectful behavior or attitudes etc.

In my experience, the latter (police or military) style has not only done more harm than good, it has been completely devastating and can destroy a BPD person and drive them to rock bottom.  I feel that it can be terribly harmful to their overall mental health.

The tough love that I do agree with is when you allow your BPD child to suffer natural consequences.  Don't rescue them.

As far as setting boundaries, we need to set them.  Explain your boundaries as best as you can and expect them to be respected.  You may run into resistance but you need to hold your ground.

Boundaries don't work well when our BPD loved ones don't understand them, or they don't understand why we have them.  Sometimes the reason for the boundary is misunderstood, or the BPD assumes there is a different reason for the boundary so it is important to be clear and honest.

In my case, I have had success with my style of tough love.  Having said that, it takes great patience.  It can take years!

R
Logged

“Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it.”

― Charles R. Swindoll
Harvester

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: Unsure
Posts: 23



« Reply #2 on: January 21, 2020, 09:31:18 PM »

This is very helpful feedback, Resilient.  Thank you so much!
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!