Not talking. Setting boundaries

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I’m struggling. My older sister has BPD and she and I have had a rocky relationship in the last (she rages at me. She calmed down. I said I was sorry. We would go back to normal). She blew up at my wedding 5 years ago and that when I started getting help to understand BPD. I set boundaries and even though I knew she raged at other people- she stopped raging at me. Until a month ago at a family event. She now attacks my husband. I want to talk with her to explain how this behavior isn’t okay. But she acts like talking about it is too painful for her. How do I set boundaries and keep them if I don’t have space to communicate? She texted me rants since the incident about how she loves me and then in the same breathe how I make her feel like PLEASE READ. So I just said we should stop communicating via text. She says it is pointless to talk about it because she can not give me what I want.  We are at a standstill. What’s worse is she involves my parents who just want conflict resolution and to go forward. I’m stuck. Help.

[Pesto7]

I’m struggling. My older sister has BPD and she and I have had a rocky relationship in the last (she rages at me. She calmed down. I said I was sorry. We would go back to normal). She blew up at my wedding 5 years ago and that when I started getting help to understand BPD. I set boundaries and even though I knew she raged at other people- she stopped raging at me. Until a month ago at a family event. She now attacks my husband. I want to talk with her to explain how this behavior isn’t okay. But she acts like talking about it is too painful for her. How do I set boundaries and keep them if I don’t have space to communicate? She texted me rants since the incident about how she loves me and then in the same breathe how I make her feel like PLEASE READ. So I just said we should stop communicating via text. She says it is pointless to talk about it because she can not give me what I want.  We are at a standstill. What’s worse is she involves my parents who just want conflict resolution and to go forward. I’m stuck. Help.

[Blast000]

The best thing you can do is be clear about your boundaries. If she pushes emotionalism into it that's fine, just tell her why and try to remain calm.

You also have to accept that it might not work. Hopefully if a temporary separation occurs she will, at some point, get help.

Which is another point, is she seeing a therapist? Do your parents know how serious of a condition this is and how therapy is essential?

[pursuingJoy]

Pesto,  hello! Thanks for sharing what's going on with your sister.   

It sounds like you really want to work through this with your sister. I'm so glad you're taking the time to read up on BPD. She has a unique perspective and learning how she thinks is one of the most loving things you can do for her.   

pwBPD often hold an irrational fear of rejection or abandonment, meaning that you may be triggering her without realizing it or meaning to. With most people you can sort through your feelings about an incident, but she sounds highly sensitive so that approach may not work with her.   

Setting boundaries is a great idea. There is a time to simply act on the boundary without explaining the reason behind it in full. If you can share a few more details about how she attacks your husband, we can help you think through a way to respond to her to improve your chances of de-escalating. 

You're not alone, Pesto.  We get it. 

pj