The First Year

[nyc17]

Hello,

My partner was diagnosed with BPD just under a year ago.

I'm scared to ask questions like, "How can I help?" or "Is everything okay?" for fear that it will only make him angrier (as it has in the past). I'm afraid that anything I say will be misconstrued as a demand or an assumption. "So I'll go to the store and you'll go to the Post Office?" he hears as "Go to the Post Office!" He's told me so many things NOT to say or do that I'm left with nothing. I feel censored.

My life with him feels like a game of Minesweeper (for those old enough to remember that ancient PC game). I feel like every word, every step, every gesture is another click of the mouse until suddenly - BOOM - a bomb goes off. New game. And it starts all over.

His behavior is bigger than both of us. The balance in our relationship is nonexistent. My emotions do not matter because his are bigger. Neither of us can say that to each other but it's palpable. If I had a bad day his was worse. And to be fair, it probably WAS worse. But that doesn't make mine good...if that makes sense. I feel terribly selfish and guilty for thinking that.

This is my first time reaching out to the community. I feel helpless. I am eager to have conversations with others in my position, particularly (though not exclusively) with members of the LGBTQIA+ community.

Also, as a note, I am so very new to BPD. If I have made any errors in language, I mean absolutely no disrespect. I am here to learn and improve.

Thank you,
NYC17

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PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Ozzie101]

Hi and welcome nyc17! You've found a new family here.

Ah, yes, the minefield. So many things that seem so innocent to my own ears become accusations to my H. I've been there, feeling like anything I say or do could trigger an explosion. It's a difficult way to live.

I understand how you feel. Believe me. So do many others here. You'll find a lot of support.

The thing is, you may feel helpless (again -- been there), but you're not helpless. There actually are things you can do. We have a lot of tools and experience we can share with you. We're all here to learn from each other. I've been here over a year. I'm still learning and reaching out for (and receiving) help. It's a journey.

When you feel like it, I hope you'll share more. Sometimes giving a specific example with details on who said what can really help us get a handle on things and point you towards skills that might be of most help to you.

Welcome to the family!