January

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Got a mass email from the kids' mom the other day with "Big news from the [SD11 middle name]-[Stepdad last name]-[kids' actual last name] family!"

Apparently Mom is going to be a surrogate, starting in a month or so. DH and I were talking about this and it seems like in any other family, this would be a "oh, interesting" kind of thing. With them, though, it's like there isn't a context for their decisions to be average. There's always this sense of "there's something else going on with this thing you're doing".

The kids have not brought it up so far, but SD13 has taken a pass on her latest school night overnight to be at Mom's. This hasn't happened in a while. We'll see what happens on her next one.

If things go as Mom plans, she'll be very pregnant when SD13 starts high school. DH's mom remarried when he was about SD13's age and started having kids again right away. He remembers difficulty with her being super hormonal when he was in HS.

Anyway, the kids' mom "welcomes positive statements and well wishes". I do not think she is very interested in our opinion 

She also closed the email with "from [nickname]" and a long explanation of how she knows "name shifts are hard and she won't be annoyed at all if you call her [Mom name]... but she just feels [nickname] suits her better now..." etc.

IDK... not sure if I'm "venting" or "updating" or what.

I guess my plan right now is to focus on how the kids are doing in general, without making it "how are you feeling about stuff Mom is doing". Just trying to focus on their interests instead of Mom's life.

Thoughts?

[kells76]

Got a mass email from the kids' mom the other day with "Big news from the [SD11 middle name]-[Stepdad last name]-[kids' actual last name] family!"

Apparently Mom is going to be a surrogate, starting in a month or so. DH and I were talking about this and it seems like in any other family, this would be a "oh, interesting" kind of thing. With them, though, it's like there isn't a context for their decisions to be average. There's always this sense of "there's something else going on with this thing you're doing".

The kids have not brought it up so far, but SD13 has taken a pass on her latest school night overnight to be at Mom's. This hasn't happened in a while. We'll see what happens on her next one.

If things go as Mom plans, she'll be very pregnant when SD13 starts high school. DH's mom remarried when he was about SD13's age and started having kids again right away. He remembers difficulty with her being super hormonal when he was in HS.

Anyway, the kids' mom "welcomes positive statements and well wishes". I do not think she is very interested in our opinion 

She also closed the email with "from [nickname]" and a long explanation of how she knows "name shifts are hard and she won't be annoyed at all if you call her [Mom name]... but she just feels [nickname] suits her better now..." etc.

IDK... not sure if I'm "venting" or "updating" or what.

I guess my plan right now is to focus on how the kids are doing in general, without making it "how are you feeling about stuff Mom is doing". Just trying to focus on their interests instead of Mom's life.

Thoughts?

[GaGrl]

That Seems to be the best route, Kells. They need a place that focuses on each of their individual needs, as opposed to being at the periphery of the other household's activity.

Honestly, Kell -- it sounds as if bio mom and step-dad get into things that they present as if no one in the world has ever done anything so amazing in the history of the world.

[dt9000]

Kells, I'm sorry you're going through this.

Her 'big news' and the need to advertise it to the world reminds me of my BPDex's attention seeking behavior. Whenever she or my children would have the smallest medical thing going on, it was the subject of multiple facebook posts. This would bring an outpouring of support from her facebook flying monkeys. In addition to BPD, she has what I believe is factitious disorder, so there were lots of medical maladies for a variety of real or imagined issues. Each one was something she thought the world needed to know about. It was completely exhausting and chaotic.

I think your approach to focus on your children's needs and not focus on what BPDmom is doing is spot-on.

dt9000

[kells76]

being at the periphery of the other household's activity.

Interesting you mention that; that's how the kids' former counselor described things, too. Mom's house is actually all about Mom and Stepdad, even though to DH and I they portray themselves as "all about the kids and listening to their voices".

it sounds as if bio mom and step-dad get into things that they present as if no one in the world has ever done anything so amazing in the history of the world.

Art shows! Surrogacy! Protesting! Marching for justice! Aspiring author! Tarot readings*! Acceptance! All you need is love!

They seem to be consumed with their own Rightness, which always needs an audience and an announcement.

attention seeking behavior... This would bring an outpouring of support

That sounds about right. It seems difficult for either/both Mom/Stepdad to have a fulfilling PRIVATE life. Most of their family vacations are with friends, not family. Like it couldn't JUST be them... there has to be someone else there.

DH plans to spend 1x1 time with each kiddo this weekend. I'm looking forward to whatever the other kid wants to do with me hopefully legal and affordable 

*Also in January, we got a text from Mom right before our New Years Eve time was set to start: "Last minute family thing, can you pick them up an hour later". Thought it was some kind of emergency, but no, apparently she had to do a tarot reading with them? I mean, whatever you think of that, it's like, can you not schedule this for any time besides ours?

[pursuingJoy]

kells76, we have a blended family and my H's ex pulls similar attention-getting stunts. I find them exhausting and I'm imagining being one of the kids in your situation. I'm super thankful they have the stability you offer.

My daughters were super upset to learn that their dad and his wife were planning to have kids. Their reason? They knew that the little bit of attention they got from their dad would be compromised. Sometimes I feel for kids, esp those in blended families. We make decisions without their input that impact them in a big way.

Major props to you for seeing this for what it is and loving the kids through it. Enjoy the time with kids this weekend (legally and affordably )!

[kells76]

I'm super thankful they have the stability you offer.

I think part of me is afraid that it doesn't matter what I do, they'll be drawn to chaos, instability, and the "fun and openmindedness" of Mom and Stepdad.

That the fact that they "want to be with Mom" and in that environment means I'm doing something wrong.

Intellectually and spiritually I know that there is so much going on that I don't have any control over, but I still have that feeling of "if I were doing better at [communicating, or whatever, X, Y, Z], then the kids would be healthier and would see what is true".

Plus then there's still the guilt of... liking the peace and quiet when they're with mom. Lots of guilt around that. I love them and love being with them and am also a quiet person who likes being alone.

Lots for me to work on

[pursuingJoy]

Ugh I totally get being afraid that they'll be drawn into it. My D14 moved in with her dad, largely because he buys them stuff. I can't compete with that. My SD11 on the phone a few months ago, overheard by one of my kids, "Mommy, are you drunk? It's ok mommy don't cry. I'll wait until you get in the house safe and sound. I know, I can't wait until I'm old enough to take care of you."

I have bio kids and step kids and the truth is, they are all drawn in by the unhealthy emotion, the money spent, the drama, the guilt. To be fair, not everything they see at their other homes is bad. My stepkids got to go to the Bahamas for Christmas. That's cool.

We are big on respecting others, have diverse friendships, are affectionate towards each other, and love quality face time with them. My girls talk to me about almost anything. They come to me for advice, want me to meet their friends, love spending time with me.

I have this theory that kids growing up between homes are super resilient and amazing. They see a host of worldview options and will make choices about who they want to be. You might not see the results of your investment until they move out and really choose.

She's an odd duck but I'm thankful for my girls stepmom. She does the best she can. If my kids had you as a stepmom I'd be very thankful for the way you care about them kells. It takes a special soul to do what you do.

Oh, and I love my kids but I loove me some peace and quiet

[GaGrl]

All our children are well into adulthood, and I am still coaching my stepchildren around FOG interactions with their mother. Really, it just doesn't stop.

Then the grandchildren come along, and they seem to have a better level of resilience against the BPD behaviors, so that does get better.

[livednlearned]

I think part of me is afraid that it doesn't matter what I do, they'll be drawn to chaos, instability, and the "fun and openmindedness" of Mom and Stepdad.

That the fact that they "want to be with Mom" and in that environment means I'm doing something wrong.

But then ...

SD13 has taken a pass on her latest school night overnight to be at Mom's. This hasn't happened in a while. We'll see what happens on her next one.

I can't imagine how strange it must be to discover your mom is going to be a surrogate. I remember the first days after leaving n/BPDx, then S9 said to me, "Does this mean I have to take my underpants to school?" He had seen underpants fall out of a kid's backpack at school who had divorced parents. S9 was thinking about that of all things.

SD13 might be thinking, "What are my friends going to think about mom's pregnancy? I need some time to get ready for how this is going to affect me socially."

You'll be there to help her make sense of this