10 Years Later - Still Numb

[antman6]

Hi Everyone,
It has been 10 years since I ended my relationship with my exBPDgf. I would like to share my experience of a recovering BPD addict after this stretch of time in my attempts to reflect and grow. I am now in my early 30s, with some time behind me to process the good, the bad, and the ugly.

The worst part of this experience is the numbness I’ve experienced, hands down. My emotions have been largely dormant since the end, with intermittent flashes of nostalgia, joy, sadness. I can’t help but feel that even when I do experience the emotions that I can, there is a dullness to them. The origin was probably the stuffing down of the emotions that I did so well 10 years ago.

It makes it hard to live life day to day, and difficult to appreciate the little things. The important moments in life.

I still have memories of before and during my BPD relationship when feeling the ups and downs of life was effortless. Now a vague tension and numbness define most of my daily experience. I have sought help of medication and therapy, in which has helped tremendously compared to where I was, but there is SO much more to go. Cant help but feel that reached somewhat of a plateau.

Despite my emotional blunting, the growth I have experienced professionally and personally is tremendous. Over the last 10 years, I went from a dead end job to working in a school district and from being single to being engaged. I know that these things are incredible feats considering the ups and downs that proceeded them. I do not take these things for granted. My fiancée is a wonderful woman who cares for me and I feel attracted to her. It is a vague sense of attraction but its there. I want to stress to all BPD recovering addicts that THINGS DO GET BETTER!

I don’t want to downplay the hope that all of us in recovery should have. At one point I was in a dead end job and relationship that went nowhere. I stayed because of the pain of change and being alone that BPD relationship(s) have given me. All things must pass, as they say, and I was able to move on to better opportunities after years of struggle. It was not easy!

But despite the numbness and tension (or anxiety and depression) that has dissipated somewhat, I still don’t feel that undeniable passion, the effortless euphoric sensation of hearing a favorite song, seeing a vast sunset, or a kiss on the beach. The memory of it lingers, and the more I recall it, I am able to feel a little more here and there. Writing about it now for example, I feel a small piece of that emotional self that I experienced once again.

Will things get better emotionally for me, even if it has been small inches here and there? What is your story of emotional trauma? I want to be able to enjoy all the blessings in my life that I am so lucky to have.

I wish everyone here the best wishes for recovery and stability in all aspects of life.

 

[Rev]

Hi Everyone,
It has been 10 years since I ended my relationship with my exBPDgf. I would like to share my experience of a recovering BPD addict after this stretch of time in my attempts to reflect and grow. I am now in my early 30s, with some time behind me to process the good, the bad, and the ugly.

The worst part of this experience is the numbness I’ve experienced, hands down. My emotions have been largely dormant since the end, with intermittent flashes of nostalgia, joy, sadness. I can’t help but feel that even when I do experience the emotions that I can, there is a dullness to them. The origin was probably the stuffing down of the emotions that I did so well 10 years ago.

It makes it hard to live life day to day, and difficult to appreciate the little things. The important moments in life.

I still have memories of before and during my BPD relationship when feeling the ups and downs of life was effortless. Now a vague tension and numbness define most of my daily experience. I have sought help of medication and therapy, in which has helped tremendously compared to where I was, but there is SO much more to go. Cant help but feel that reached somewhat of a plateau.

Despite my emotional blunting, the growth I have experienced professionally and personally is tremendous. Over the last 10 years, I went from a dead end job to working in a school district and from being single to being engaged. I know that these things are incredible feats considering the ups and downs that proceeded them. I do not take these things for granted. My fiancée is a wonderful woman who cares for me and I feel attracted to her. It is a vague sense of attraction but its there. I want to stress to all BPD recovering addicts that THINGS DO GET BETTER!

I don’t want to downplay the hope that all of us in recovery should have. At one point I was in a dead end job and relationship that went nowhere. I stayed because of the pain of change and being alone that BPD relationship(s) have given me. All things must pass, as they say, and I was able to move on to better opportunities after years of struggle. It was not easy!

But despite the numbness and tension (or anxiety and depression) that has dissipated somewhat, I still don’t feel that undeniable passion, the effortless euphoric sensation of hearing a favorite song, seeing a vast sunset, or a kiss on the beach. The memory of it lingers, and the more I recall it, I am able to feel a little more here and there. Writing about it now for example, I feel a small piece of that emotional self that I experienced once again.

Will things get better emotionally for me, even if it has been small inches here and there? What is your story of emotional trauma? I want to be able to enjoy all the blessings in my life that I am so lucky to have.

I wish everyone here the best wishes for recovery and stability in all aspects of life.

That's so awesome... best wishes on the relationship and marriage.

Rev

[Lucky Jim]

The worst part of this experience is the numbness I’ve experienced, hands down. My emotions have been largely dormant since the end, with intermittent flashes of nostalgia, joy, sadness.

Hey antman6, Would it be fair to say that you continue to withhold your "dormant" emotions?  If so, do you think you are trying to avoid pain of some sort, with numbness as a result?  Maybe you are afraid that you could be hurt again?  These are tough questions, I know, but might lead to insight.

Presumably the pain of sharing your feelings exceeds the pain of withholding them.  Does that sound accurate?  If so, it could be you are stuck in a self-defeating pattern of withholding feelings.  Maybe you could look at this pattern of behavior and figure out why you are so caught up in it.  Hint: often it has something to do with one's childhood, or FOO.

Fill us in, when you can.

LuckyJim