Learning to let go from my best friend

[Jetstorm51]

Hi everyone,  its been awhile since I last posted anything but a major event happened this past weekend that has made me change my perspective on some things.  Some basic background my best friend has BPD and she often lashes out at me without warning I've learned to adapt and let it go but I just can't anymore.  I've been friends with her for almost a year now, we dated for a month until she had a BPD event on me where she yelled and screamed at me.  So we decided to scale it back and just be friends. 

After this happened she preceded to start seeing this guy she'd been seeing before me again.  They had a sex only relationship which continued once I was gone.    This guy is also what I would consider to be emotionally abusive he's always undercutting her, putting her down or making not so good comments they have been dating now for about 4 months. 

So flash forward to this past weekend where she told me that we needed to talk.  So I called her and she basically started saying how I was rude, demeaning and mean towards her at times.  She then said she figured out that she was my "new brunette" friend after one of my close friends left work last spring.  So she was telling me that she was crying the last 12 hours because of everything.  Basically without going into all the details she is super pissed and upset that I make no effort to even give this guy a shot and that because I don't its hurting her and that she now needed to reassess the friendship we have.  She told me he yelled at her Friday night because she still hadn't talked to me which continued into Saturday morning.  She also mentioned how I never like anything she posts on social media in regards to him.  So when it was finally my turn to talk I tried explaining everything to just get to level ground.  She was not having it she said "you are listening to respond" I need you to listen.  I told her so I don't get a chance to respond to everything she clapped back very rudely "you've been responding the last month!"  So after this conversation I was once again beat down and this is the last straw for me. 

She needs to get help (Go back to therapy and back on meds but she's constantly making excuses as to why she can't). Usually when something like this happens its easy for me to let go and move on but with her I'm having extreme difficulty.  I feel so awful because I know she's hurting and I feel like I should be there.  She is someone that I considered my forever friend and it pains me that I have to do this.  But in my heart and from what everyone around me thinks therapist included have said she isn't a friend.  Please tell me I'm doing the right thing and help me understand why its so hard to let go.  Thanks everyone.

[Mutt]

Hi Jetstorm51,

I can't really give you advice because there are not a lot of details work on. Can you give us the back story on what happened?

I can understand how a pwBPD illicit guilt with the people that they are close too because they can seem helpless and a lot of the members on this site or people that have a lot of compassion and it can be hard to not offer help when it feels like it's something that's natural for you.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Jetstorm, What are your gut feelings?  On some level, it seems like you are aware that your friendship is unhealthy.  If so, what keeps you hangin' on, as the song says?  Hint: usually it has something to do with one's FOO (family of origin) or other past trauma.  Does that ring a bell?

It also seems like you are feeling guilty due to your inability to help.  In other words, you seem lost in the F-O-G (fear, obligation and guilt), which is how a pwBPD manipulates a Non.  The reality is you are not responsible for the well being of another adult.

LuckyJim

[juner]

While reading this, I also thought of FOG and blurred boundaries. Is it really your job to reassure her that her new boyfriend is acceptable? If you don't give this guy "a shot" then you are hurting her, she says. With this, I hear her trying to guilt you and impose a sense of obligation. She says she now needs to reassess your friendship. This could feel like a threat to punish, even though she may be confused and feeling some shame. But her indecision speaks to possible fear in both of you, completing the FOG. And what happens with the result of that reassessment? Does that mean you are discarded if you do not fulfil the obligation of making her feel better about her choices? There's definitely triangulation at work, which can help a person feel more stable. But how does that make you feel? That's the bottom line. Your feelings count, especially regarding how they affect your sense of self and your self-esteem over the longer term.