Your story is quite similar to mine. Broken up, still on talking terms, LDR. I had and still have trouble figuring out how to handle being in touch with my ex, when we’re not together and I want her back. I’m not as wise as some of the board veterans, but I’ll take a crack at a few thing you said.
So I guess I'm looking for advice on how to handle the "friends" deal if my goal is to reverse the breakup (bear in mind we are LDR). Should I always be available when she wants to talk?
I say, be as reasonably available as you actually are. But to that, I’ll add, if you’re constantly available, that means you’re not really focusing on doing things for yourself. Even staying home, you can prioritize yourself, like really prioritize (“this is my Netflix time” for example) yourself. I don’t think the idea should be to play games by desperately wanting to reply to her and holding yourself back, but rather to not be available because you have very good reasons to not be available (i.e. focusing on yourself). The other thing is, being in constant contact with her while not being together might make things difficult for you, which it sounds like it might. You didn’t mention, or maybe I missed it, but how do you feel when you do talk to her? Neutral? Good? Bad?
Should I chase her? Should I make myself myself hard to reach? Should I compliment her? Should I reminisce about the good times? Should I pretend like I'm moving on?
I don’t think you should chase her, she has expressed a desire to be alone. Better to give it some time for now. Many members including myself will tell you about how over chasing backfired on them and made things worse. Same for compliments. You’re not together, and compliments are not what will fix things. They often have the opposite effect. And don’t
pretend you’re moving on, and instead do things for yourself, that help you detach and lessen the constant focus on her. You seem to be doing a pretty good job at not chasing already, even though I know it’s so, so hard. It’s a good thing to have the lines of communication open, and that she still shows some warmth is something which you could build on in the future. You need to be in a good place for that, and the breakup is fresh for the both of you. Here is a post by once removed in response to my thread that I found really helpful:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=342394.msg13100729#msg13100729I would also be interested to know if this is perhaps a pattern that someone has experienced before, and what I could expect from it.
I can absolutely relate and to be honest I’m still not sure exactly how to proceed in my case, other than understanding my own immediate need to take better care of myself, during this time of hardship. My ex and I have been broken up, and she has devalued me, while also telling me things about getting off to thoughts of me, best sex she’s ever had, misses me, etc. But she also disappears for days, finds multiple old/new unreasonable reasons why we’re incompatible and discounts all the reasons why we are compatible, and ultimately has told me she’s not looking for a relationship at this moment. I’ve been all over the place, from wanting to message her nice things, to not wanting to message her at all. It’s been super hard, and I’ve often fallen in a deep dark place where I’ve tried to calculate and analyze each move I make with her while forgetting about and destroying myself in the process. You don’t seem like you’re as susceptible to falling down as hard as I am, but I will still recommend that you take whatever steps you need to to make yourself feel good first, before worrying about making her feel good. Like on an airplane, where they tell you to put the oxygen mask on yourself first before attending to another person. Here are a few things that have worked for me last year, as well as some things which I now realize didn't work. Not saying they all 100% apply to your situation, but I hope it helps:
What has worked:
- Taking a step back from the day to day contact
- Stop constantly checking my phone to see if she messaged me. And stop looking at her social media
- Let her initiate most contact, don’t ignore her messages but reply to her when it was actually a good time for me. Be positive and friendly, and supportive if needed, but nothing much beyond that. For example, last year, even after not hearing from her for days, I texted her “this is your first Easter without your dad, just know that my thoughts are with you and your family. Happy Easter”, and then I backed off. Supportive, but nothing in there about love or the relationship.
- Talking to my support group a lot, and trying to do things for myself like running, gym, weekend getaway, etc. Basically, doing things to make myself feel good and actually live my life, and I know she felt my confidence when we did end up speaking and wondered if I had moved on or found someone else. Even when I was doing my best to live my life, I still had that baseline sadness over the breakup, but at least I was living life.
-Setting boundaries by telling her I don’t want her to send me “I love/miss you” texts if she has no intention of being with me, since those things just kept giving me hope that would just get crushed in the end anyway.
What hasn’t worked:
- Sending her overly loving/romantic text messages
- Trying to force the topic of getting back together
- Not setting boundaries and letting her contact/ignore me in any way SHE wanted. Everything was at her whim, and I went along with it, in desperation. I sent her a heartfelt “I want to fly down to see you, I really miss you, are you open to that?” once, and she ignored it for hours while I sat there miserable, waiting for her to reply. Why did she read it and still ignore it? Because she was at home with her friend drinking wine, too busy to give a crap about my feelings. Not even a "hey I'll reply to you later".
-Complementing her
- Trying to make the conversation sexual, when it wasn’t the right time.
I know how hard this is.
