uBPD mom's reaction to my change

[Methuen]

Like most people who find their way to this site, I was in crisis last summer due to uBPD mother.  I am an only child.  A lifetime (I'm 57) of her dysfunctional thinking, behaviors, neediness, and abusive ways became overwhelming.  I couldn't do it anymore.  I had always tried to be the perfect daughter, and finally hit my bottom and figured out I should move on with my own life, and stop trying to meet her needs, which was impossible.  I found this site, a new therapist, and slowly started the healing process by lowering my contact, learning new tools and skills (SET, no JADEing, asking validating questions) and immersing myself in an education about BPD.  She's a physically fragile 83yo widow, lives in her own home, in cognitive decline, but has the BPD mental strength and fortitude of a dragon.  The last "episode" revolved around a fall she took outdoors walking on her lawn (under a plum tree), resulting in 4 fractures which I nursed her through for 4 weeks (putting my own life on hold), at which point she was dysregulated enough to rage at me that all her pain was my fault.  I responded by bringing in home care supports since I could no longer meet her medical needs.  A RAI assessment was also done, which confirmed she qualified for assisted living, which she defiantly declined.  Since then I have maintained low albeit pleasant contact, worked on healing myself, and tried to let her find new ways to have some of her needs met, because H and I have been a big reason why she has managed to live independently as well as she has.  Despite calling it LC, H and I continued to do much, such as mow her lawns, and do many things for her, but for the most part, we let her figure out how to get many needs met on her own.  

Yesterday I brought over to her house some homemade soup and fresh  bread to share for lunch with her.  As soon as I arrived, she asked me to go to her hideyhole and take everything out.  It's on the floor and involves moving things, which she isn't physically able to do.  A packet of $2000 cash revealed itself which I inquired if she wanted to deposit into the bank (tried to use a validating question but think I failed), and then she found what she was looking for - an old Will.  She then told me she was going to the lawyer to change her will.  I casually asked her why she was changing her will (it's less than 10 years old), and she said it was because our kids were older now.  I dropped the subject.  It was an amiable visit (I applied use of all my new skills, especially the mindfulness skills).  She also told me she had decided to give the neighbour kids thank-you cards she had made for taking her garbage cans to the road every week, and bringing them back in afterward.  She had put $20 in the card for the oldest child.  In earlier visits, I had known she was working towards this, so I had suggested she contact the parents and communicate with them what she was planning to do.  We had always raised our kids to value doing things for kindness, and not just for money.  Or we tried to anyways, so I had suggested that she consider contacting the parents to see what they wanted, and maybe agree on a $ amount.  Yesterday, she told me she had given them the cards (and gave the oldest $20), and when I asked if she had decided to contact the parents she said no.  Instead she had contacted an ex- neighbour who she believes works with the mother and asked the ex-neighbours opinion.  We moved on to a different topic.  I stayed an amiable two hours to visit with mom.  I should mention that during that time she also mentioned no less than 3 times, how well taken care of 3 of her friends are by their kids.  

When I got home, I told H she had a plan to change the Will.  Her first step was getting me to access the old Will from her hideyhole.  She's making an appointment to see the lawyer.

I believe this is her response to our "change", after my lowering contact (it's been a process of emotional detachment for me after acknowledging my own role in the enmeshment), not engaging in her drama anymore, and moving on with my own life. I'm referring to the Bowen Systems Theory here, which I recently read about on another thread.

I should mention here that my mom has always had a vindictive side to her if she felt someone treated her badly.  Her favourite sister once told a classmate to close her eyes and open her mouth, and then she put a frog in her classmates mouth.  That is the type of family my mom comes from.  Mom's vindictiveness, while less overt, is just as damaging.  I have largely managed to avoid that by being the "good daughter".  However, since my dad died 14 years ago, I have turned from white to black.  She once told me that she felt "left out" after I got married.

I believe that since I was an only child, and her previous Will left most of her assets to us, she has informed me she is changing her Will to send me a message.

I couldn't care less about her money.  Her assets, while significant, are assets I don't "need" and have never counted on.  We always encouraged her to enjoy her money whilst she was alive (i.e. spend it), and if there was anything left after she was gone, we could use it then, but until then, we wanted her to enjoy it.  She once offered us $10,000 for a deposit on our first house.  We said thanks but no thanks as we wanted to make our own way in life (and we knew there would be strings attached).  It caused big drama: she felted rejected.  Because of our values of independence and hard work, we planned our life and retirement without expectation of any inheritance.  I guess we always had an awareness there could be something, but never took it forgranted.  The way it is now, any assets I ever received, I would prefer to donate to mental health organizations upon her death.  However, I believe that because of my "change" in how I interact with her (since last summer), she is reacting to that change in the only way she has left, and the intent is to hurt with maximum force.  The message I am receiving is that because I have changed, (LC, not engaging in drama, letting her find her own ways to have her needs met) she is now changing her Will.  I am guessing she will leave her assets to her two grandchilden (our children), as they are her only family.  We tried to raise our kids to value work hard, and make their own way in the world.  She knows that, because we always discouraged her from paying our kids to do things for her.  Since it was their grandma, we wanted them to help her because she was their grandma.  We didn't want them to learn to only do things when they got paid for it.  Nevertheless, she slipped them money on the side, and told them to keep it a secret.  BPD right?  Control?  Power?  Buying love?

We know her assets because in her last Will, she made me POA, and H and I have been doing her banking and taxes for about 10 years.  

To say I am saddened and disappointed by my mom's action is understated.  It is designed to be mean and cruel and send a message.  I'm not angry.  Just feeling  aggrieved, perhaps a little destroyed...after being there for her my whole life.  Now, when I can't take the abuse anymore, this.  

Our kids are 23 and 25.  I guess if she lives another 10 years (her dad was 99 when he died), maybe they'll have enough life experience to manage a significant inheritance.  But it scares us a little.  Money can ruin people and relationships.

I mentioned earlier that my mom is in cognitive decline.  There are soo many signs, big and small, daily, weekly, monthly, yearly.  But her recent RAI assessment deemed her to be cognitively capable.  I believe that her cognitive decline combined with her BPD, and the change and stress that comes with aging, has led to all this.

It's too bad they don't teach us in school about mental health, communication, relationships etc.  Had I known as an adult through my life, what I know now about BPD, and used different skills all my life, I can't help but wonder how much of this could have been prevented.

Don't know what I can do now.  Just manage my sadness I guess.

[zachira]

You seem well aware of what your mother is trying to do by saying she is changing her will. Thankfully you do not need the money and have never planned on needing an inheritance. She is 83 years old and in cognitive decline, possibly to the point that no reputable attorney would change her will, and the timing of the will along with the ethics of the attorney would likely be grounds for contesting the will. It sounds like you are very level headed about what she is doing and trying not to get emotionally involved. I am glad you are posting here because no matter how rational we try to be about what our mother with BPD is doing to hurt us, there is always going to be great sadness about having a mother with BPD and how it affects our lives. 
My mother's almost exclusive topic of conversation for most of her life with her children was about what her children would inherit from her, even though it was not that much money and if not that, it was badmouthing other people who did not deserve it. I resigned myself to the fact that my mother substituted control for empathy as she did not have the capacity for empathy.
I admire how you are setting healthy boundaries with your mother and understand how at times, it is just so frustrating as her battle for control of your life is never ending.

[Spindle0516]

Oh Methuen, I wish I could give you a hug! Just know that I am sending you a virtual one through this post. 

I feel like no matter how much we learn about BPD, some things will always just sting. When I read your post, it seems to me that her reaction has less to do with you, but more with her own discomfort.

I believe this is her response to our "change", after my lowering contact (it's been a process of emotional detachment for me after acknowledging my own role in the enmeshment), not engaging in her drama anymore, and moving on with my own life. I'm referring to the Bowen Systems Theory here, which I recently read about on another thread.
 

I have been obsessed with this thread and feel like I have learned so much from it. I mentioned there, but Harri reframed it for me, and I am going to try and do the same for you.(Sorry if this is a complete fail. Please disregard if it is.) With my MIL, I kept thinking of her reaction as a punishment for us making changes. But what if you look at it as a natural consequence of the hard work that you are doing? What if it is just a sign that you are making changes successfully and now your mom has to wrestle with the discomfort that she is feeling?

Still hard though, I know.

But her recent RAI assessment deemed her to be cognitively capable.  I believe that her cognitive decline combined with her BPD, and the change and stress that comes with aging, has led to all this.

When was her last RAI assessment? Is it possible to have another one?

We know her assets because in her last Will, she made me POA, and H and I have been doing her banking and taxes for about 10 years

Is it possible, all this is just a threat? If she removed you as POA, you would no longer be able to handle her banking and financial matters, and she would have to manage that alone. I am curious if she is actually prepared to do that or if she is capable of managing that solo at this point in time. If her attorney even suspects that she is cognitively impaired, they may not be willing to make changes to her documents.

[Methuen]

When was her last RAI assessment?

Her assessment date was Oct 28, 2019.

Is it possible, all this is just a threat? If she removed you as POA, you would no longer be able to handle her banking and financial matters, and she would have to manage that alone. I am curious if she is actually prepared to do that or if she is capable of managing that solo at this point in time. If her attorney even suspects that she is cognitively impaired, they may not be willing to make changes to her documents.

It's not a threat.  She's changing her Will.  It will be about other aspects.  I expect her to leave me as POA, because to answer your other questions, no, she couldn't manage her banking on her own.  By leaving me as POA, she would have her needs met that way.  On the other hand, when I brought in home care to assist with her medical needs after her fall last autumn, she suggested at the RAI assessment that because I couldn't meet her medical needs, I couldn't be her POA either.  So who knows.  She's kind of paranoid about money, so the POA could go either way as she has trust issues with money, but has trusted H and I.

By changing her Will, I assume it has to do with the inheritance.  Because of my "changes" in my interactions with her, I am all black and no longer deserving of inheritance.

As for the Attorney, s/he won't pick up on her cognitive decline.  H and I are aware because we have known her a lifetime.  The changes won't be apparent to people who don't know her.  For example, she can't write a letter anymore.  She used to be a decent writer and always kept a journal.  Now I have trouble understanding her texts and emails sometimes.  She has had a number of mini-strokes over the past 5 years which has affected her ability to get her words out.  But that wouldn't make an Attorney think think she is cognitively incapacitated. These are just some examples, there are others, but not to people who don't know her.   She will be at her most charming and wittiest at the Attorney's office, so I have little reason to believe they will have enough reason to not make her requested changes.  She will tell them what she needs to, in order to have her wishes met.  It wouldn't be hard to sound magnanimous in giving it to your grandchildren now that they are young adults, right?  Like I said, for me it's not about the money.  If it came to me, I would donate a chunk, and invest a chunk to go to our children at our deaths.  In the meantime, my husband and I have always had the values of independence and hard work and tried to pass that on to our children.  

After a lifetime of being enmeshed with our BPD's we know them well enough to recognize exactly what's going on right?  She's not throwing knives or yelling at me.  She just calmly told me she's changing her Will because the kids are adults now.  She's smart.  The knives are invisible.  But after reading about Bowen Systems Theory, I'm convinced its a retaliation to my changes.

[stargazer95]

Hi Methuen,

I am truly sorry for the pain that you are going through. I feel it as my mother has also retaliated many times using similar tricks with money and threating to leave my life forever and even calling around all my friends and beggining them to talk to me to change how I have become since I have also stopped trying to be the perfect daughter and meeting her needs which as you mentioned are truly impossible with a BPD mother.

My therapist has told me that it will always hurt this deep wound that being raised with a BPD parent leaves us but that over time it will hurt less and less and maybe there will be a scab but nonetheless, the pain will be there but we get better and recognizing it, tolerating it and allowing ourselves to mourn the loss. I am learnning to befriend my sadness that comes from time to time and feel the pain while making some mourning ritual for myself (it involved sad music and hot chocolate  ) this way I have seen that the feeling comes and goes like a wave and doesnt swallow me like it used to. Afterall, how could it not sting when we have been deprived of a most basic loving relationship which is a natural right of every human being?

I admire your resilience. You are have been changing a difficult pattern. And in a sense perhaps her retaliation is also a sign of your success at doing so! 

My parents are still working and able to take care of themselves but I am sure when they are older I will also have to learn about managing these difficult situations you are in. so thanks for sharing your experience. it helps me prepare mentally for that time and get a better picture of what challenges might come up.

Keep it up!

[Spindle0516]

  As for the Attorney, s/he won't pick up on her cognitive decline.  H and I are aware because we have known her a lifetime.  The changes won't be apparent to people who don't know her. 

Ugh, Methuen, I am sorry. That is so frustrating.

But I guess that is all really besides the point. You have made changes to protect yourself successfully, but it isn't a perfect shield.

After a lifetime of being enmeshed with our BPD's we know them well enough to recognize exactly what's going on right? 

I guess this is what makes it tricky. You know her well enough to recognize exactly what is happening, but she also knows you well enough to make sure she is sending you a clear message.

In the meantime, my husband and I have always had the values of independence and hard work and tried to pass that on to our children. 

These are values that my parents really instilled in me too. I am 33, so by your rough estimates, about the age that your children would be if they received a large inheritance. Even though I am young, my first thought would be to figure out how to put it toward retirement, and that is solely because of the role models that I had growing up.

To me, it seems that your kids had good role models in regard to financial responsibility. If your predictions come to pass, would your kids allow you and your husband to help them navigate that process?

I admire your resilience. You are have been changing a difficult pattern. And in a sense perhaps her retaliation is also a sign of your success at doing so!  Way to go!

Just saying ditto to this!

You've been a wonderful example for my husband and I, and in spite of this hiccup and sadness, I am grateful you are here. 

[Imatter33]

I admire your resilience. You are have been changing a difficult pattern. And in a sense perhaps her retaliation is also a sign of your success at doing so! 

I want to echo this back to you. There is so much of what you write, and carried out in your visit to be so d*mn proud of. I liken getting BPD skills (from here and other sources) to going through the jungle with a big machete and knocking everything down that attempts to ensnare or endanger you.

You are doing this, but it doesn't mean it does not come at a cost of pain and sadness at the situation as a whole.
I also admire your LC as I have not been able to do this yet, and don't really know what trying out the skills looks like in the real world with my own mother.

I applaud you.
 

[GaGrl]

Methuen, my uBPD/NPD stepmother changed first my grandfather's will, then her own, for malicious reasons aimed at my mother -- So I'm well aware of the hurt involved in what your mother is doing.

My SGM married my widowed grandad when my mother was only six years old (bio grandmother had died in pregnancy two years before). SGM was only 18, she never had children herself, never adopted my mother, and was a PD classic.

My grandparents' wills left all to each other, with my mother to inherit should one predecease. However, my SGM had a new will drawn up that cut out my mother and inserted a local church. My grandfather "signed" it in the hospital, having had Alzheimer's for several years, and it was witnessed by SGM's best friend.

There was no reason to do what she did other than to hurt my mother.

When my grandfather died, Mom was asked by an attorney relative if she wanted to contest, due to state law. My family didn't need anything, so Mom let it go. But at that point, she went LC with her SM , as did my sister and I, and SGM 's will left her estate to her best friend (who kindly gave us some family items from the house).

In the end, because SGM never adopted my mother, no would could (or wanted) to take on the responsibility of "end of life" decisions. SGM lingered in the hospital for six weeks before her death and was alone and unloved.

My mother and I have very few pleasant memories of the woman. She was a malicious narcissist. It is a miracle my mother has no more damage than a few BPD-like traits.

Now...contrast that with what my 93 year old mother has done. She has put me on all her accounts as joint, moved a large chunk of her assets into my name, given me POA and legal health directives. She sold her house and lived with us -- I pay all household bills and groceties, and she transfers funds to me once a month for her portion of the household maintenance. She pays for her caregiver (three times a week), and I take up the slack on med appointments, prepping her pills, etc. My husband takes her to church each Sunday (not my denomination).

And she regularly tells me how much she appreciates what we do and how good we are. That goes a long way.I

My sister died in 1988, so I'm an only...We not child of an only child. It's a strange situation, almost super-concentrated. Keeping your identity separate, with all that entails, is crucial.

[zachira]

I hope you don't mind my seeing some different possibilities. I would think that an attorney who is changing the will of an 83 year old woman would likely be conscientious about looking for signs of cognitive decline because he/she does not want to be sued for malpractice or censured by the Bar Association. You could call the attorney and let him/her know what signs of dementia your mother is showing.
I know with my mother with BPD it was always frustrating how she could hoodwink so many people into thinking she was a fine mother to her children yet there were some people who obviously were not taken in, and others who seemed to get it to a certain degree. You can't assume that the attorney won't be what one of those people that gets it or has an inkling that all is not right with your mother.

[Methuen]

Thank you everyone for your words of encouragement and support.  That support means a lot; you are the only humans that know what goes on in my world other than my H and my T.  In my community, I don't speak about it with anyone, because they all know my mom, and it would feel like I'm triangulating, and throwing her under the bus.

When I took the homemade soup and bread over to her house the day she told me she was changing the Will, I was there for a two hour visit, and in that time, she also reminisced about the times she came to visit me at university.  She would stay 4-5 days I think, and she would stay right in my single room with me.  I had no idea back then that wasn't normal.  I just thought my mom was too cheap to stay in a hotel room.  Being the good daughter, I just went along with whatever she wanted.  When she talked about those visits two days ago, I didn't even remember that she stayed right in my res room with me.  Now I can see how odd it is cs. there's no way my daughter would have welcomed me to stay in her room with her, and I would have never asked her if I could.   Our family (H and I and two young kids at the time) used to also bring mom along on family holidays with us (both camping style, and flying out of country to a beach style), and yet somehow, all those previous years of history mean nothing now.  I tried so hard to be a good daughter my whole life.  We would do everything for her that she "needed".  I can't help but wonder how much more I could have done, but at the same time I know the answer to that. FOG and enlightenment are duking it out in my head.  The question that has come into my mind since she told me she is changing the Will 2 days ago, is do BPD's have a conscience? How does that work?  

[Person2]

do BPD's have a conscience? How does that work?

This is so powerful; I’m really interested to see what the community’s thoughts are on this because I’ve wondered this myself.

[TelHill]

Sorry this is happening, methuen.  I read your original message and none of the other responses.  My apologies if I missed something.

As you know, there’s a custom, an unwritten social contract that if an adult child is a caregiver to their parent, the parent will give them a large chunk of their assets when they pass. You and your H are doing a wonderful job caregiving.  You’ve held up your end of this.

Your mom is not holding up her end of the social contract.  If I may say, her behavior is skirting the edge of being abusive.

You have to follow her wishes to the letter or pretend that you are (be manipulative) to be the beneficiary of her assets. Your mom’s not kidding around.

I have a similar issue with my parents and brother. I do all the caregiving and sign over my place to my niece. Then, I’ll get 50% of my parents assets. I’m ahead keeping my own place and going NC to LC with them.  

My mom’s not great with math or business. My dad is. This is her & my brother’s plan. If he wasn’t enabling her, he would tell me to take the deal where I’m ahead.  

Methuen, do what is best for your own peace of mind & will allow you to sleep at night. I have a feeling you will continue to be an honest person and be a great role model to your kids & community.

[Turkish]

zachira brings up a good point about the change of will at this point. It might be worth investigating, maybe even as a question on avvo.com. It's not about the assets, but about what's right and wrong. Your kids are adults, but they're your kids. That she's pulling a power trip may have nothing to do with her age, but the age and mental facilities card can be played, perhaps. 

This is so powerful; I’m really interested to see what the community’s thoughts are on this because I’ve wondered this myself.

I asked my ex once about what went through her head when she raged and she replied, "I just want everyone else to feel my pain!" Very honest. Right and wrong fly out the window. 

The day before yesterday, I was stuck in traffic after a bad accident on the freeway which happened after I took off room work. It took 40 minutes to go 3 miles. I called her and told her that in the beginning. Half an hour later she texted back and I called. She was waiting at my house with the kids. I suggested that she take the kids to her parents. I was less than a mile from clear traffic, but we weren't really moving. "Why didn't you suggest that earlier? Yes, I had somewhere to be!" As if I knew her schedule. If reversed, I would have suggested that. 

When I arrived, I apologized. She barely talked and responded with her back to me when I asked about the exchange the next morning.  Yesterday, she texted that she would be 15 minutes later because she had something to do (at 8AM on a day she wasn't working but playing with the kids?). Power trip? I had an hour commute. 

Last September, I was in an accident by work on my way to pick up the kids. I had to wait for the cops. I called her to pick up the kids. It turned out that I would have made it in time, but I didn't know. 

That interfered with her plan to run off steam at the park. She took the kids, they annoyed her. She got angry and told them, "I'm not even supposed to have you today!" I'd be horrified thinking that, much less saying that to my lambs, er, pups. Yet she's Mother of the Century on her Facebook and Instagram. 

The difficult thing about pwBPD is accepting that their feelings of black and white towards others can both be true... at those times. Though none of us are prefect, it's not about right and wrong.  Indeed, I used to ask myself, "it's like her parents never taught her wrong from right."

It's about seeking validation of worth, for a person who at his or her core, feels worthless and unlovable. As Lawson said, in Understanding The Borderline Mother, "[it] feels like survival."

A parent with assets might leverage "love" by using money or other assets; conversely, a parent might use those to punish.  In a romantic relationship, the "currency" might be adoration, romance and sex.

The underlying, common denominator is the seeking of love and validation for a person who at his or her core, feels worthless and unworthy of love. This is the tragedy of BPD.

[stargazer95]

  The question that has come into my mind since she told me she is changing the Will 2 days ago, is do BPD's have a conscience? How does that work?  

You know I wonder about this too.

My therapist has helped me to see that my mother lives on the border of sanity and insanity (hence the name borderline). She sometimes goes into this insane universe that exists in her head with its own made up rules and morals all revolving around her. So when I am in that unreal land with her, the rules are different. The trick is I want to stay in the real world.

Have you read the book "the borderline mother"? My mother fits the queen type of borderline mothers. In the book, it uses examples from Alice in the wonderland. Oh man I can so deeply connect with that book as my mom is exactly like the queen. Does the queen have a conscience?

I am learning that for BPDs, they really believe in the insane universe as much as in the sane one and they move between these worlds seemlessly. So if I dont answer my mom's call within 5 minutes, she really sees this as me abandoning her and being a bad daughter. To her these are the rules. I dont think its that she knows that is not right and feels it anyways.

[Methuen]

I've been thinking about some of your responses and thoughts (eg Zachira and Turkish) about mom changing the Will, and Attorney's, and their duties as an Attorney for an 83 year old woman changing her Will.  

I've needed some time to ponder those thoughts.  I hadn't really considered it at all from the perspective that Attorney's have any kind of duty to watch for signs of cognitive decline when an elderly person decides to change their Will.  Hmm.  Mom has always been smart, and charming in public when she wants to be, and of course is an absolute master manipulator.  None of her friends has ever sent a single vibe throughout my life - that they question her mental health.  But maybe people would be uncomfortable bringing that up with me.  I actually have a lot of confidence that my mom could navigate her way through this with an Attorney.  She's had 83 years to master having her needs met, and she's really good at coming across as a zaney fun old lady.  She'll have it all figured out.  Having said that, I still hear you.  She's also a nervous wreck, and "shakes" anytime she gets a visitor to her house, just from her "nerves" and the excitement.  So there should be some "visible excitement" when she visits the lawyer.  This they would definitely pick up on.  She can't hide it.

I don't know which lawyer she's seeing, although I know which Firm she goes to.  The thing is, how do you contact a lawyer  about your mom changing the Will, without sounding completely "self-serving"?  

I just can't even begin to imagine contacting her lawyer.  I don't know that I have it in me to do such a thing.  

Does it make any sense to wait until she "passes" and the Will gets read?  

Any lawyers out there, or anyone with experience with lawyers?  I have none...

Thinking about contacting a lawyer in a pre-emptive way makes me so uncomfortable...

[GaGrl]

My mother's cousin, an attorney, knew that my team's will change had been made while he was in the hospital and in the full throes of Alheizmers. But he did not challenge my step-grandmother at the time she filed it with him -- he (being part of the family) knew well  how she could rage. I can't fault him for his reluctance. And I'm not sure what could have been done at that time. Only when my grandfather died could my mother have challenged the legality of the will.

But perhaps you could flag one of the attorneys that your mother has indicated she wants to meet, that she has had some health issues lately, and that you would appreciate any input (outside attorney-client privilege) from his/her observations, that you are considering the need for geriatric medical specialities.

Then, if your mom isn't really rational or collected, you will have planted the seed.

[zachira]

I spoke to my mother's attorney a number of years ago about some issues I thought that were related to cognitive decline, which I now believe were more about her having BPD. The attorney made it clear that he represented my mother, and although he saw signs of her not functioning so well, there was no way my mother had yet reached the point where she was incompetent to handle her own legal affairs. The attorney never told her, because if he had mom would have been furious and let me know.
I think you can call the firm and describe your mother's issues with cognitive decline and what you say will be shared with her lawyer. I can't imagine the lawyer would tell your mother, as that could cause problems. Of course, you will not hear back from her lawyer because of attorney-client privilege.

[Mata]

I think it's pretty common for elderly folks to make changes to their estate plans.   This brief article sums up pretty nicely the concept of testamentary capacity:
https://www.elderlawanswers.com/can-mom-make-changes-to-her-will-even-though-she-has-dementia--15231

From your description of your mom and her stated intent to change her will, I would doubt that her attorney would have any basis to refuse to change it.  And even if he did, she could go home and re-write her own will. . . . and while it could be challenged after she passes away, I don't think her attorney can "stop" her from changing her will.  She could also go to another attorney, and play her 'game' better so that she gets what she wants...I know my mom would probably do this.   

So, if you don't mind, I have a couple thoughts on what you initially wrote.  It seems like you are not really concerned about being removed from her will yourself, but you don't like her potentially giving your adult children a large inheritance before they are mature enough to handle it.  First, it sounds like you have raised your children with your values about money and work.  So try to trust that you have done a good job there.     And you could start talking to them generally about money management, investing, etc... so that if they do inherit from her (or win the lottery, ha!), you have a natural dialog already going about what they might want to do with it.  Second, and this may sound odd, but what if your mother out-lived you? It seems your children would stand to inherit the money anyway.  So even if she doesn't change the will, there is no guarantee your children will have enough life experience to make you comfortable about them inheriting significant assets.  Which, circles back to my first point. 

I think the bigger issue is just how this all feels.  It sucks when our mothers try to punish us or be vindictive for taking care of ourselves.  This is something my mom has done my whole life.  I don't know if it ever gets easier.  But I do know you have written some really helpful things here, and I very much appreciate all you share and your insight.  It sounds like you've made tremendous progress in the past few months. I think you can work through this too!   

[Spindle0516]

When I was in college I worked for an estate planning attorney. I was just a receptionist/assistant to office staff, and this was over ten years ago, so I am by no means even close to an expert. But anyway, I often sat as a witness to will signings, and I remember several instances where the client's mental capacity was called into question. In those instances, I do remember the attorneys taking extra steps to ensure mental competency.

I know laws vary by state, but I believe that if the attorney had any reason to believe that she was not completely cognizant, they would have to look into it further.

[Methuen]

Thanks for your thoughts everyone.  It's brought me clarity.

I know what's right for me, and that is to let her do what she has to do whatever her reasons, and I need to stay true to myself.  Staying true to myself means not contacting any lawyer about her Will.  It's just not me, or who I am.   

I'm at complete peace with it.

Thanks everyone for your thoughts and support, and guiding me to what I think I already knew.  But now I accept it fully.

Feeling so much better.

[Spindle0516]

Yay you! I love the peace that comes with arriving at a decision and knowing it is right for you. 

[Harri]

Good for you Methuen!   

[BeARiver]

Hi Methuen,

First, let me say that you give great advice and are so grounded and centered. I am so sorry for what you're going through. I have a story that is effed up but also kind of funny regarding my mom's will. She wrote a trust years ago when we were NC. Amazingly, she left her house and other assets to me. I thought since we were NC, she'd leave everything to her dog. No kidding. I think she is capable of that. So, she left it to me but it was FULL of absolute craziness. She has 2 weirdos living on her property. Weirdos are the only kind of people that can stand being around her. One lives in the pool room (about 100 sq ft). The size of a closet. He doesn't have a bathroom. He put in a biodegradable toilet outside and bathes in the swimming pool. (Then she invites me to go swim!) Gross. So, in her trust, it said that when I inherited I HAD to let these guys live on the property FOREVER. It also said (hello trying to control me FROM THE GRAVE) that I HAD to live there, full time for the rest of my life! I could NEVER sell the house under any circumstances. If I didn't want to live there, then the house would pass to one of my cousins (who she hasn't spoken to in 20 years). Crazy, right? So, I know her and I know how to maneuver through her brain (sometimes). So, I took multiple occasions to discuss changes. I told her that if she legally bound me to these men, what was stopping them from taking advantage of me? They could trip and fall and sue me. They could sexually assault me. I mean, how well do you really know them? That got through. She hates men. So, she changed that. The next time, I brought up my cousins. I said, why do you think they are entitled to MY inheritance? You don't even know them. AND have you said that THEY can't sell the house? Shouldn't I be able to pass the house on to who I choose? If it's truly MINE? She thought about it and changed that too. I wasn't able to get her to change the bit about never selling and always having to live there, but I talked to an estate lawyer, and he said that isn't really enforceable and not to worry abut it. SO over the top and ridiculous. And now that I'm going NC again, I have to accept that she may very well be vindictive (as she loves to be) and change the trust again and leave it to a squirrel or a dog or a cousin. Who the hell knows. I have to let go of thinking that I will inherit anything. The thought of going through and cleaning out her hoarder house makes me seize up like crazy anyway. Anyway, it's horrible that your mom is using the will as a way to punish you. It's infuriating. It's unfair and B.S. I feel for you. I guess, at least it will go to your kids and not a distant family member. Or a dog. And good on ya for taking care of yourself financially and not needing it! I am making sure I'm doing the same. With mentally unstable parents, we can't count on them in any way, shape or form, ever. We are on our own.

[incadove]

Thank you so much for posting this.  Right now I just want to say this struck such a strong chord with me

Money can ruin people and relationships.

I am glad to see you are getting so much supportive advice, and it sounds like you are handling a very difficult situation beautifully

[TelHill]

Hi Methuen,

First, let me say that you give great advice and are so grounded and centered. I am so sorry for what you're going through. I have a story that is effed up but also kind of funny regarding my mom's will. She wrote a trust years ago when we were NC. Amazingly, she left her house and other assets to me. I thought since we were NC, she'd leave everything to her dog. No kidding. I think she is capable of that. So, she left it to me but it was FULL of absolute craziness. She has 2 weirdos living on her property. Weirdos are the only kind of people that can stand being around her. One lives in the pool room (about 100 sq ft). The size of a closet. He doesn't have a bathroom. He put in a biodegradable toilet outside and bathes in the swimming pool. (Then she invites me to go swim!) Gross. So, in her trust, it said that when I inherited I HAD to let these guys live on the property FOREVER. It also said (hello trying to control me FROM THE GRAVE) that I HAD to live there, full time for the rest of my life! I could NEVER sell the house under any circumstances. If I didn't want to live there, then the house would pass to one of my cousins (who she hasn't spoken to in 20 years). Crazy, right? So, I know her and I know how to maneuver through her brain (sometimes). So, I took multiple occasions to discuss changes. I told her that if she legally bound me to these men, what was stopping them from taking advantage of me? They could trip and fall and sue me. They could sexually assault me. I mean, how well do you really know them? That got through. She hates men. So, she changed that. The next time, I brought up my cousins. I said, why do you think they are entitled to MY inheritance? You don't even know them. AND have you said that THEY can't sell the house? Shouldn't I be able to pass the house on to who I choose? If it's truly MINE? She thought about it and changed that too. I wasn't able to get her to change the bit about never selling and always having to live there, but I talked to an estate lawyer, and he said that isn't really enforceable and not to worry abut it. SO over the top and ridiculous. And now that I'm going NC again, I have to accept that she may very well be vindictive (as she loves to be) and change the trust again and leave it to a squirrel or a dog or a cousin. Who the hell knows. I have to let go of thinking that I will inherit anything. The thought of going through and cleaning out her hoarder house makes me seize up like crazy anyway. Anyway, it's horrible that your mom is using the will as a way to punish you. It's infuriating. It's unfair and B.S. I feel for you. I guess, at least it will go to your kids and not a distant family member. Or a dog. And good on ya for taking care of yourself financially and not needing it! I am making sure I'm doing the same. With mentally unstable parents, we can't count on them in any way, shape or form, ever. We are on our own.

I know you don’t mean this to be funny, but your mom’s will is the strangest story I’ve ever heard. What will these two loafers do once your mom passes? Someone has to pay taxes, insurance, etc. The local government will own it.  (These guys sound like Manson family rejects.)

I always assumed I had to take care of myself financially to have any freedom from the muzzle/leash my parents wanted to strap me into, or if I married a cad by accident.

[Methuen]

BeARiver:  Oh my gosh, that is some story about your mom and her Will.

You wrote that so well, I gotta tell you I was almost holding my stomach from laughing, because I could picture it all.  Maybe I'm just overtired.  But sometimes amongst all the pain, chaos and frantic panic, there's gotta be a moment for humour to see the craziness, after the fact, right?  

Oh man, thanks for sharing that.  Really.

I feel better now.  I don't know if it's because I feel your empathy, or if it's because reading your prosaical story released some endorphins.

I'm so genuinely sorry you had to live through it.  I really am.

I keep telling myself that somehow my mom's BPD craziness is making me a stronger more resilient person.  I just have to believe that somewhere there's a silver lining.  You must have some kind of strength and resilience .   Somehow you were able to tell that story so the reader could see the humour.  Many of us would not be able to do that.  You must be an amazing person

[Methuen]

BeARiver,
I just gotta tell you that I keep reading, and re-reading your story about your mom's Will.  That you can tell that story with humour, is truly remarkable, and a testament to your character

So, in her trust, it said that when I inherited I HAD to let these guys live on the property FOREVER. It also said (hello trying to control me FROM THE GRAVE) that I HAD to live there, full time for the rest of my life! I could NEVER sell the house under any circumstances.

So regardless of whether this Will was made up by a Notary, or a Laywer, it's disappointing to think that someone with legal designation was OK to sign their name to this   as a legal document.  

Luckily, your mom must have shown you the document in advance, as you were able to discuss it with her, and clearly used great skill to guide her to seeing that changes were needed.  My mother has a penchant for "secrecy".  She's going to keep it a mystery until she's gone.  

So, I took multiple occasions to discuss changes. I told her that if she legally bound me to these men, what was stopping them from taking advantage of me? They could trip and fall and sue me. They could sexually assault me. I mean, how well do you really know them? That got through. She hates men. So, she changed that.

This is a testament to what a rational person you are - completely opposite of your mother by the way.  I just have to commend you for how well you handled this, under extra-ordinarily challenging circumstances.  

The next time, I brought up my cousins. I said, why do you think they are entitled to MY inheritance? You don't even know them. AND have you said that THEY can't sell the house? Shouldn't I be able to pass the house on to who I choose? If it's truly MINE? She thought about it and changed that too.

I can't believe she went for this.  

I wasn't able to get her to change the bit about never selling and always having to live there, but I talked to an estate lawyer, and he said that isn't really enforceable and not to worry abut it.

Good to hear.  I can't imagine any judge finding her demand to live there forever and never sell, to meet any standard of what is considered "reasonable" in a Will.

I have to let go of thinking that I will inherit anything.

After a lifetime of caretaking mom, this is the conclusion I came to as well.  It's not fair.  But lots in life isn't fair for a lot of people.  It's healthier to move on, which is what you have chosen to do.

I bow to you, for being able to tell that story with humour, and for how well you were able to maneuver with her to minimize the damage in the Will document.

That sounds pretty rational and remarkable to me.