Couples counseling

[Jbm71]

Hi everyone,

My wife has agreed to try couples counseling and I’m wondering what others experience have been with it especially after the disordered person had been diagnosed.

We tried it twice before to mixed results, but that was before my dBPDw was diagnosed, and she ultimately felt ganged up on. Admittedly our therapist only had a passing knowledge of BPD when I raised the concern, and couldn’t really speak to its role in our relationship.

So, the second part of my question is has anyone had luck finding a good couples counselor who is familiar with the many facets and obstacles presented by BPD in a therapeutic setting?
And if so any chance they’re in the NYC area?

Thanks again everyone!

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[khibomsis]

Hi JBM 71! Well done for getting wife to agree to couple's counselling!
My experience has been that it is important to enter couple's counselling without being attached to a specific outcome. The main job of the counsellor is to help the two of you to communicate with each other, and your wife will have her own ideas about how that process will happen.  For this reason I have had bad experiences where the counsellor has also been individually counselling either of us, it sets things up so that the spouse easily feels like sides are being taken.

Since I also think communication is the key right now, this is certainly a step in the right direction.

I can't help you with your second question but others will be along soon. 

 
Khib

[once removed]

i think that the most important thing in couples counseling is to go in, and initially do more listening than speaking.

the reason why couples counseling or therapy often fails is because both parties go into it with the idea that the counselor or therapist will see their side, will understand that the other party is largely at fault, and will bring all of this to attention.

if you go into things with an open mind, and you arent defensive, the counselor is in a good position to help you understand where your wife is coming from. and while you may not agree with it, and its one side of the equation, that understanding is of enormous value when it comes to learning how to resolve the conflict.

beyond that, a skilled counselor is no fool. they listen, they get a sense for both parties, they validate, and they may, initially, seek to build trust with the more difficult party, because if they succeed in that, the couple is more likely to stick with it, the more difficult party can be more easily reached later on, and conflict can be more easily resolved.

[PurplePeople]

if you go into things with an open mind, and you aren't defensive, the counselor is in a good position to help you understand where your wife is coming from. and while you may not agree with it, and its one side of the equation, that understanding is of enormous value when it comes to learning how to resolve the conflict.

>>

All true.  Keep the relationship in mind, not your or your significant other's faults.  That said, I have known that many couples who successfully went through couples therapy went to multiple counselors.  If you do not feel that the counselor is interested in saving the relationship, is not receptive to new ideas, or has a bias toward your significant other (or to yourself) then pick another counselor.  If the relationship is worth the effort and you  two have come to a point in which you see the value in counseling, then it will require a good fit from the counselor.  That fit may be after three or four or more counselors.

[pdsbk]

Yes, I agree that a good counselor will listen to both sides and make an assessment after anyilizing everything. That happened when my bpd wife wanted me to agree to couples counseling because she wanted the counselor to straighten out my "lies ". After 2 sessions the woman counselor saw the bpd symptoms in my wife and suggested a new "direction". Emdr therapy,and DBT for wife, and the counselor wanted me to read " Stop walking on Eggshells". Which openned my eyes and educated me about bpd. Like so many other spouses I was going through the motions of life and knew something wasn't right but never heard about bpd until the counselor brought it UP!  What is rally ironic is that my wife had the book from years ago when her and her ex went to counseling!  Wife has had an incling of her condition. So, I'm very glad that I agreed to counseling to stop my "lies". My motto is stay positive and listen to your intuition,  it is usually right!