Hi

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hello. I’m in recovery from a marriage and a divorce from someone who had BPD. My ex really broke my heart and threw my life into chaos as I tried and eventually struggled to be her rock as she dealt with addiction issues, going to jail, losing her license, deciding out of the blue we were not going to have children, professional setbacks due to her poor behavior, and eventually had an affair that broke my heart. I found that even though I loved her dearly, I just couldn’t be with her any more and I asked her to move out. I was exhausted from constantly dealing with her crisis and also emotionally devastated by her affair. When it sunk in that I was done with our marriage, she concocted a story in which I was an abusive narcissist and that she was running away from me because I had treated her so poorly. I am a transgender male and she is a cis-gendered woman. Many of our friends and colleagues believed her without question. We had moved away from NYC, a place where I had many, many friends and moved to a Midwestern city that she had a large social circle in. Suddenly everyone I knew hated me. I have been socially shunned, attacked online for things I didn’t do, and I have found out that she has even visited my friends and former coworkers back in NYC at their places of work to make a big scene and yell at them for not warning her I was an abusive narcissist. For the record, I am not a narcissist. I am a tenderhearted codependent type (but working on it in therapy).

Our divorce was a year ago next week. And I still feel devastated. I have had a terrible time fitting in and making new friends in this new town. I want to move but I am at an senior level in my career and it takes time for jobs that are appropriate for me to open up. I have never been so lonely. And with the exception of a couple of really good phone friends and a few social media posts here and there, I have been really going through this thing alone.

[PunkHeart]

Hello. I’m in recovery from a marriage and a divorce from someone who had BPD. My ex really broke my heart and threw my life into chaos as I tried and eventually struggled to be her rock as she dealt with addiction issues, going to jail, losing her license, deciding out of the blue we were not going to have children, professional setbacks due to her poor behavior, and eventually had an affair that broke my heart. I found that even though I loved her dearly, I just couldn’t be with her any more and I asked her to move out. I was exhausted from constantly dealing with her crisis and also emotionally devastated by her affair. When it sunk in that I was done with our marriage, she concocted a story in which I was an abusive narcissist and that she was running away from me because I had treated her so poorly. I am a transgender male and she is a cis-gendered woman. Many of our friends and colleagues believed her without question. We had moved away from NYC, a place where I had many, many friends and moved to a Midwestern city that she had a large social circle in. Suddenly everyone I knew hated me. I have been socially shunned, attacked online for things I didn’t do, and I have found out that she has even visited my friends and former coworkers back in NYC at their places of work to make a big scene and yell at them for not warning her I was an abusive narcissist. For the record, I am not a narcissist. I am a tenderhearted codependent type (but working on it in therapy).

Our divorce was a year ago next week. And I still feel devastated. I have had a terrible time fitting in and making new friends in this new town. I want to move but I am at an senior level in my career and it takes time for jobs that are appropriate for me to open up. I have never been so lonely. And with the exception of a couple of really good phone friends and a few social media posts here and there, I have been really going through this thing alone.

[otherlife]

Hi Punkheart
I am sorry you had to go through this, it is very hard and very lonley.  I think many project their anger by painting the ex (you) black and it also helps them justify they are better off without you.    If they did not do that then they would have to face reality and thats too painful.  I too am going through things alone but that was a choice as I moved away as soon as we broke up and frankly I dont want to tell people what happened as its just heart breaking and I dont think they would understand.  By moving I have no idea what my ex unBDP says about me so thats one thing that I do not have to deal with, but yes its lonely.  I hear everyone complaining about isolation due to this virus and have concluded its not going to make any difference for me, unless I catch the dam thing but thats unlikely because I am isolated.  However I know it wont always be that way, when I heal and feel more like making new friends, perhaps thats when I feel I can start to trust again.  these boards have been my life saver, I dont feel alone here.  I would encourage you to keep posting, keep reading and sharing while also asking you if there is anything we can do for you? 

[daze507]

This makes me wonder what my xBPD could have said to her friends about me, what she said to be was already aweful.
As read so many similar stories where the BPD try all they can to shame or make false allegations about their ex, the sad thing is that they probably believe what they say and other people, who have no idea of their pathology, believe them too (people or justice courts should not believe blindly but that's another topic).
That's really, at least for me, what makes a breakup with a BPD harder than all the other ones, nothing is tangible, nothing is really true, both for you and them. It's even worse when that happens and you have not any knowledge about BPD.
You have tried what you could but there isn't so much we can do, if even therapist struggle with them, there's no wonder we can't do miracle. In that specific case "love solves everything" doesn't work, at all.