New to this community - sister with BPD

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hi all, I am brand new to this community and am here looking for help/support. My sister was diagnosed with BPD about 15 years ago when she was 17. She's 32 now (I am 36, her brother). She has basically been untreated for her disorder over the past 15 years although she also suffers from anxiety and depression for which she has been in and out of therapy as well as on medication. It also appears that she has traits/behaviors on narcissistic personality disorder overlaid on top of her BPD. She is not currently in treatment or on medication. My sister lives with my mother who is now 70 years old and is completely financially dependent on her. She has been physically and emotionally/verbally abusive to my mother for the past 10+ years. My parents are divorced, my father is still alive but estranged from my sister by her choice. My parents are in touch although that is a recent event, due to the latest incident of domestic violence by my sister against my mom. I have had a superficial relationship with my sister all of our adult lives due to her disorder and have been estranged at times, as well as in touch other times. We are currently estranged due to this most recent incident and her telling me to never contact her again.

My mom has agreed to begin therapy and acknowledges that my sister has BPD. So we are in the baby steps phase of beginning to break out of this destructive cycle that is nearly two decades old at this point.

My main goal in this initial post is a) I'm looking for help finding a great therapist in the SF Bay Area who my mom and I could go to, for support and advice on the best ways to deal with my sister. b) I am wondering if anyone in the community has been in a similar situation, particularly as the sibling of someone with BPD not just in dealing with the BPD sibling, but a parent (or both) who enable the BPD individual. In my case my mom has been the enabler for so long now, and has sacrificed so much financially as well as emotionally. Her physical and mental health are suffering due to the strain of supporting my sister. I think it's a great first step that my mom has agreed to therapy for herself, but I am also looking for tools in how I communicate with my mom for the sake of our own relationship. It obviously breaks my heart to see her in this position so my main goal with her is in helping her to re-assert her self worth, and set healthy boundaries for my sister. Right now she is just scratching the surface of understanding what is going on but seems to still think she needs to have my sister living with her and totally financially dependent on her.

Thank you all, any help/advice/encouragement is greatly appreciated.

[windomjay]

Hi all, I am brand new to this community and am here looking for help/support. My sister was diagnosed with BPD about 15 years ago when she was 17. She's 32 now (I am 36, her brother). She has basically been untreated for her disorder over the past 15 years although she also suffers from anxiety and depression for which she has been in and out of therapy as well as on medication. It also appears that she has traits/behaviors on narcissistic personality disorder overlaid on top of her BPD. She is not currently in treatment or on medication. My sister lives with my mother who is now 70 years old and is completely financially dependent on her. She has been physically and emotionally/verbally abusive to my mother for the past 10+ years. My parents are divorced, my father is still alive but estranged from my sister by her choice. My parents are in touch although that is a recent event, due to the latest incident of domestic violence by my sister against my mom. I have had a superficial relationship with my sister all of our adult lives due to her disorder and have been estranged at times, as well as in touch other times. We are currently estranged due to this most recent incident and her telling me to never contact her again.

My mom has agreed to begin therapy and acknowledges that my sister has BPD. So we are in the baby steps phase of beginning to break out of this destructive cycle that is nearly two decades old at this point.

My main goal in this initial post is a) I'm looking for help finding a great therapist in the SF Bay Area who my mom and I could go to, for support and advice on the best ways to deal with my sister. b) I am wondering if anyone in the community has been in a similar situation, particularly as the sibling of someone with BPD not just in dealing with the BPD sibling, but a parent (or both) who enable the BPD individual. In my case my mom has been the enabler for so long now, and has sacrificed so much financially as well as emotionally. Her physical and mental health are suffering due to the strain of supporting my sister. I think it's a great first step that my mom has agreed to therapy for herself, but I am also looking for tools in how I communicate with my mom for the sake of our own relationship. It obviously breaks my heart to see her in this position so my main goal with her is in helping her to re-assert her self worth, and set healthy boundaries for my sister. Right now she is just scratching the surface of understanding what is going on but seems to still think she needs to have my sister living with her and totally financially dependent on her.

Thank you all, any help/advice/encouragement is greatly appreciated.

[Turkish]

 Is your mother safe now? Were cops called? What exactly happened?

Reaching out to NAMI might get you a referral.  You may also find support.  Years ago, a elder member here contacted me about going to a meeting in Oakland, but it fell though and neither of us followed up (I'm in SC County).

https://www.nami.org/Local-NAMI?state=CA

[missing NC]

Hi Windomjay,

You may wish to check https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/california for therapists in your area.  One who has a background in DBT - dialectical behavior therapy would have a better understanding of the issues you are facing. 

It is important for your family to make a plan in the event your sister's behavior escalates.  I can relate to much of your situation in that I have a sister with BPD who is high functioning (most of the time) professionally but has engaged in domestic (and workplace) violence.  However, mine was diabolical enough to call the police herself and blame the victim every time. 

Given your mom's age, I am concerned about her safety in the coming years.  If she does begin to enact boundaries that may prompt further rage from your sister. 

I wish you luck!