A crossroads: say goodbye or try again?

[mountainsaway]

Hey yall, this is my first post.

I have been struggling with my mom my whole life (I'm in my 30s) but especially over the last 6 years that I have had kids. She is undiagnosed but I am solidly convinced she has BPD.

I have been trying to regulate my own mental health and have continuously worked on being compassionate and seeing things through her eyes. But I just got so fed up with being made to feel like a child, being criticized, being held to unrealistic standards, and never being enough for her.

So I stopped all contact for about a year. It was with the intention of coming back with a better plan, as a better person with better skills and understanding... but now I just don't see the point of going back. I tested the waters recently and nothing has changed in her attitudes or behaviours.

But I have changed. And I'm having a hard time reconciling the idea of maintaining my self respect and core values with opening myself up to continued abuse.

Where do I go from here?

(I am working with a counsellor and reading all the books I can get my hands on.)

[LFCNZ]

While my interactions with my mother sound a bit different to yours, my mothers actions usually follow a predictable pattern and don't change, the question is do you stick around for more of the same?

It's a hard one as you are supposed to have these loving feelings towards your mother, personally my mother just frustrates the hell out of me and does nothing for my mental health.

[Methuen]

Hi Mountainsaway,

...but now I just don't see the point of going back. I tested the waters recently and nothing has changed in her attitudes or behaviours...But I have changed. And I'm having a hard time reconciling the idea of maintaining my self respect and core values with opening myself up to continued abuse.

If you went back to having contact, what benefit would you get from doing that?

Where do I go from here?

This is a hard question to answer as we really don't have any information about your story.  Would you like to share more if/when you are ready?

[JNChell]

Hi, Mountainsaway. This sounds like a difficult situation. From my own personal experiences, I wish I could’ve  gone NC with my parents long before I reached adulthood. They did this, in a way, by moving far away when I was in my early twenties. I can still remember the anxiety and bad feelings when they would leave me a voicemail full of guilt for rarely communicating with them.

You mentioned your self respect and core values possibly being compromised by the continued abuse. I understand what you’re saying. It also sounds like you have a good grasp on boundaries.

Ultimately, this is a very personal decision for you. There are tools available to somewhat maintain these relationships, but it comes with great sacrifice and will take up a lot of mental space. Some of the members here are  able to maintain/navigate relationships with pwBPD, but most that I’ve read about still have pain and abuse attached to them.

It’s good that you’re working with a therapist. How do feel about the advice you’ve been given in that setting?