Giving up false hope for one last time

[csquare319]

I am a 40 years old male, who immigrated from China to US at age 13. Only had one serious relationship before marrying a woman whom I never truly loved, and my marriage for ten years ended earlier this year.

For the past 6 months, I dated a BPD (diagnosed) who is divorced with a 9 year old daughter, who is good friend with my daughter of same age. This woman moved into my neighborhood last August, renting a house on my street, I later found out that she was thrown out of her ex-boyfriend's house, most likely for cheating on him. From the very beginning I could tell that I should not trust her. In our first conversation, she told me about her nasty divorce three years ago, that she only has 50% custody of her daughter, and her rocky relationship she had with her estranged father since childhood. Though I found her physically attractive, there was an unsettling glint in her eyes that made me think twice before openning myself up to her.

For the first month, I listened to my inner voice and kept my distance, but she kept reaching out to me, perhaps because our daughters got along together so well, or perhaps she needed someone as a rebound from her previous relationship, and I was just a nice, convenient guy around who had shown enough co-dependency traits worthy enough to be added to her portfolio of men. She began to ask me for favors, fixing her computer ... etc. I always pay for everything when we bring our kids out. For the first three months, our relationship and our physical contact was limited to only shaking hands. Besides telling myself that this woman is trouble and I better stay unattached to her, another reason was even though I was 4 years separated with my now ex-wife, at that time I was still technically married and wearing a ring on my hand, which, in hindsight, was perhaps one of the reasons she found me attractive. I think she desires unavailable men, and though I know how cynical and bitter this sounds, but she secrets wants to ruin their lives.

One night, hanging out at her place, she pulled out a folder and showed me her diagnosis of BPD from two years ago, which surprised me. I knew a little about BPD from men's activist like Paul Elam, enough to know that these are the exact people to NEVER start a relationship with, at the time I took this confession as a positive, as it shows she was at honest with me. In the final analysis, she probably didn't take too much stock in telling me her diagnosis, as my Asian background makes her think that I was naive and uninformed in these sort of things. Despite this knowledge, and the inkling that she was seeing other men because her constant ghosting, I also listed all the her negative traits, telling myself that I should not seek a physical relationship with her, I still found myself more and more drawn to her. Finally, three months after we first met, we became physically intimate.

The sex was amazing, at least for me. But that was the pinnacle of our relationship. She ghosted me for 24 hours, which later I found out by going through the text messges on her phone that she slepted with her ex-boss. I was devastated, confronted her without showing the evidence, but instead of admitting, she kept denying it and not taking any responsibility. I knew I needed to break up with her, but it was so painful. So I believed in her empty promise of exclusivity and had sex with her several more times. As expected, she didn't keep her promises, still meeting different guys for drinks, sometimes one day after we were intimate. After each time, my jealousy became stronger, and emotional pain more acute.

I was attached to her both physically and emotionally, while knowing she never developed such attachment for me. I tried to block/delete her phone number, only to unblock her later. Each time she showed up to my door with her daughter, unannounced, I was eager to resume my old self of pleasing her. No matter how much my brain told me to cut her off for good, my heart yearned for her company to no end. I am like a man dying of thirst in the desert, staring at a cup of poison in front me.

Two weeks ago, on Good Friday night, when I called out her BS one last time, she lost it and we broke up, this time I believe is for good. She is already dating someone, and knowing that hurt me incredibly. Hence the purpose of this post - to exorcise my jealousy demons so I can give up all false hope and truly break free from the ties of this woman. I've once again deleted/blocker her contact, and I hope this will be the last time I'll have to do it. Thank you for reading my rambling, and God bless you in these trying times.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey csquare, Welcome!  Plenty of us have recycled only to end up in the same place, except with more pain.  It's hard to get off the roller coaster, but the reality is that most BPD relationships are not built to last, for the reasons you describe.  You have an advantage over a lot of us because you know your Ex has been diagnosed with BPD, whereas many of us were swinging in the dark for years.  I would suggest that it would be a good move for you, knowing that she has BPD, to let go and go forward with your life.

LuckyJim

[csquare319]

Thank you, Lucky Jim, for your wise advice and your kind support. Yes, to this day I am not completely sure why she shared this diagnosis with me in the first place. Since then, every time every time we argue and I try to convince her to get help in dealing with her BPD, as I see many of our relationship troubles stem from this personality disorder, she gets extremely emotional and tells me that it was a mis-diagnosis, and that she doesn't have BPD, but has PTSD instead, from the "physical trauma" she had suffered in her marriage. Just another sign of her not being honest to herself, and not taking responsibility of her actions.

I gained enough knowledge about BPD relationships to know that my road to recovery will be long and ardulous, so I appreciate the help you and others give me on this forum. God bless!

[Lucky Jim]

Just another sign of her not being honest to herself, and not taking responsibility of her actions.

Hey csquare, You're welcome.  Right, due to their black and white thinking, those w/BPD are unlikely to take responsibility for their actions because it would involve judging themselves harshly.  Instead, they foist blame on the Non, which gets it off their plate and onto that of the Non.  Shouldering the blame, however, is a dangerous practice for the Non, because it becomes an unhealthy burden.  I should know, because I nearly destroyed myself in the process!

Yes, recovery is an uphill climb, yet I predict you will find your path.

LJ

[JNChell]

Hey there, csquare319. I’d like to echo Lucky Jim in saying that it is very much to your benefit to know that there is a clinical diagnosis for BPD. Like he said, many of us were left hanging. Most non’s aren’t able to diagnose, so we’re left to speculation. Regardless, not really knowing let us hang on to a person that was causing us a lot of pain and confusion.

Not taking responsibility for their actions is a hallmark of personality disorders. I’m glad that you’re here and posting about your experiences.

[Lucky Jim]

not really knowing let us hang on to a person that was causing us a lot of pain and confusion.

That's for sure, JNChell.  I suspected something was wrong, but had never heard of BPD.  I attributed the turmoil in our relationship to normal marital ups and downs.  Who knew?  I pretended that things were OK when they were definitely not OK.

LJ

[csquare319]

You hit it spot on regarding her fear of taking responsibility, Lucky Jim. In my last, and hopefully final, breakup with her, one minute she was friendly and shared one of her inconvenient truths with me, which surprised and prompted me to have the courage to ask her once more about the time she cheated on me with her ex-boss, and worse, lied to me about it when I confronted her afterwards, a sore point between us ever since. Almost immediately, her eyes turned pitch dark, her face distorted, screaming at the top of her lung for me to get out of her house.

I've confronted her several times before regarding her infedelity, contributing it as the main factor that broke her marriage and previous long term relationship. This triggers her every time, I suspect deep down inside, she is aware that I was speaking the hard truth, that her need to be involved with multiple men at the same time, to get distract herself from the chaotic life situations resulting from her denial and not taking responsibility to recover from her personality disorder, is one of the fundamental reasons why her life is such a mess. But admitting it to herself would be too painful. She'd rather continue to find things to distract her higher consciousness from confronting the inconvenient truths of her BPD.

Last thing I said to her before leaving her house was: "You can lie to me and to everyone else, but please be honest to yourself. For that where changes start." She didn't like what I said, to say the least.

[csquare319]

Thank you for your kind encouragement, JNChell. I do feel lucked out that she told me early on of her diagnosis, even though ever since she's been denying her BPD and claiming it was a misdiagnosis, it saved me a lot of ruminating the "what if..."s and "could I have..."s, and spared me of years of dragging this relationship out to its almost certain tragic conclusion.

When I feel the searing pain as I do today, I remind myself that the decision to leave her is the best one made on my behalf, and that this pain is all I have left of her, a testament that I still possess the capacity to truly love, even if that love will never be requited.

[JNChell]

There are better experiences out there for you, csquare. Take the time you need to process your experiences and move on from them. Just be sure that you’re always looking forward.

[csquare319]

There are better experiences out there for you, csquare. Take the time you need to process your experiences and move on from them. Just be sure that you’re always looking forward.

Thank you JNChell, a very timely advice, as last night was overtaken by my weakness and found an excuse to break no contact, which has been maintained for 15 days. For some inexplicable reason, I apologized to her, not for speaking the truth in our last conversation, but for treating her with contempt and disrespect, and emphethizing at the end that "I know you are dating someone else already, and this is not an attempt to get you back". The worst part was that as I was leaving, I saw her new boyfriend's car pulling into her drive way. I didn't get a second of sleep last night, just tossing and turning in bed with incredible pain and bitterness inside.

I try to remind myself that she is poison, that her starting a new relationship is a gift for me, but I just felt part of my soul is disintergrating in a slow, painful death. I have no one to blame but myself, after all, she did tell me of her BPD diagnosis early on in our r/s, but I still closed my eyes and dove in head first. I deserve to feel this pain, which is teaching me a lesson that hopefully I'll never forget.

[MeandThee29]

I try to remind myself that she is poison, that her starting a new relationship is a gift for me, but I just felt part of my soul is disintergrating in a slow, painful death. I have no one to blame but myself, after all, she did tell me of her BPD diagnosis early on in our r/s, but I still closed my eyes and dove in head first. I deserve to feel this pain, which is teaching me a lesson that hopefully I'll never forget.

Be gentle on yourself and view it as a chapter that is over. You had a flawed "picker," but you are not a flawed individual. You had something you had to learn that hard way, but now you know.

Mine was several decades long and ended with a difficult divorce. Now I write new chapters.

[Sluggo]

Csquared,

I am in agreement...  dont be hard on yourself.  The relationship with a bpd can be so fun and seductive while things are going good.  But then it stops on a dime, leaving me wanting that feeling back and doing anything I know to get it back...  like taking blame as you also did after 15 days NC. 

It hurts, and hurts bad...  but once you get through that pain, it gets better.  I was married 18 years and for 36 months it was hard, so painful, but now at month#50  so so much better. 

Sluggo

[csquare319]

Be gentle on yourself and view it as a chapter that is over. You had a flawed "picker," but you are not a flawed individual. You had something you had to learn that hard way, but now you know.

Mine was several decades long and ended with a difficult divorce. Now I write new chapters.

Thank you for that advice, MeandThee29 ... This morning, a thought occurred to me and all my pain from the weekend went away, and I've gained back my old self - Stop punishing myself for the wrong choices the pwBPD had accumulated in her lifetime. It was not my fault.

[csquare319]

Csquared,

It hurts, and hurts bad...  but once you get through that pain, it gets better.  I was married 18 years and for 36 months it was hard, so painful, but now at month#50  so so much better. 

Thanks, Sluggo. I agree, I imagine it's what a heroin habit feels like. One "chases the dragon" as much as he want, but can never recapture that orginal high. Glad to hear that you are doing well after so many painful months, my heart goes out to you.

[JNChell]

Don’t beat yourself up. These things go very deep. Was the contact sincere with your apology, or were you rooting for a response? I’m not being an  :cursing:in asking, but it helps to identify why. There’s no reason to feel bad about it. None at all. Healing requires identification of things. Understanding them and moving forward from them. It also means a change in how we think. Sometimes a complete paradigm shift. Your ex isn’t poison. She’s human. It’s very easy to point fingers. It’s difficult to look within.

The anxiety that is attached to them moving on so fast is the flooring type of anxiety. It’s overwhelming. How did all of the hopes and dreams that were talked about turn into another man pulling into her driveway? This is where a healthy disconnect is needed. She is capable of running through men and lying to them. This is where you should understand to not take it personally. Try to see it from a higher altitude. She has no regard for others feelings because she was never taught to have regard for her own. It’s very, very deep. No one man is going to fix this in her. It is up to her...if she ever comes to the realization, which is very unlikely.

In moving forward, it might be best to see her as a human instead of poison. That type of thinking will poison your mind. 

[csquare319]

Don’t beat yourself up. These things go very deep. Was the contact sincere with your apology, or were you rooting for a response? I’m not being an  :cursing:in asking, but it helps to identify why.

In moving forward, it might be best to see her as a human instead of poison. That type of thinking will poison your mind. 

Thank you for the correction, JNChell, you were right in pointing out that she was a human being, and not an object. I was wrong in labeling her, I meant to use that word to describe the relationship, not her as a person.

I examined my motives for apology, which was the precise realization that for the past months, I had become contemptuous towards her and began to objectify her, and indeed showed her disrespectful gestures. (slapping her butt, forcing unwanted kisses ... etc) This realization brought me great shame, and by chance, our girls had a playdate that night, so upon dropping her daughter off, I seized the opportunity and said to her: "I apologize to you, not for speaking the truth, but for showing you contempt and disrepect over the last few weeks. Despite what I know of you, you are still a human being and a child of God and deserve to be treated so. I know you are dating someone new, and you are happy right now. I wish you two the best. And this is not my attempt of getting you back."

Thanks again for your correction.

[JNChell]

Hey, I’m not trying to “correct” you. I’m not qualified to do that, if anyone really is. I’m just a guy that is a little further down the trail, with a child in tow.

Do you want her back?

[csquare319]

Do you want her back?

NO