Can't take the abuse any longer, need to reclaim my life.

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hi Everyone,

This is my first time posting here. I'm almost forty now and am reaching a point where I really need for the abuse to stop once and for all. I can't be sure if my sister has BPD, she's never seen a therapist in her life as far as I know of, everyone else is the problem.

For several years after she got married I stopped being the focus of her rage although she did still wreak havoc on my self-esteem at any chance. If for example, I shared my work with her I was "insecure and needing her approval"; if on the other hand she shared her work with me I would praise it and congratulate her. That's the least of it. On a bad day, she gets vulgar and attacks my core self-esteem, accusing me of being a terrible person and I won't go into details yet, but very cutting things that are meant to linger with me for years.

I recently joined TalkSpace.com and my amazing therapist is helping me navigate this next chapter of my life. I simply can't go on like this anymore, I need boundaries and I need to stop loosening them when things are better. It really disappoints me how much control she's had over my self-esteem and self-worth over my life. I'm about to start my own family and want to surround myself with peace and love and good energy, there's just no space for her nastiness in my life anymore.

Recently after a particularly nasty text where she ended it by warning me not to respond (typical), I just blocked her. In the moment I felt like I was cutting off an abuser. I was then filled with fear of the next smear campaign. She will get to me by whatever means. I imagine letters to my husband or aunts and uncles. I will deal with that then by kindly asking them not to get involved. I maintain to everyone around me that I wish her the best. We are siblings, but we are not an entity or a "unit", we have no obligations to each other. I don't engage in conversations about how to "fix it". I will quickly change the subject when asked about my sister. I will speak here or with my therapist to go into details and strategies. I can't expect anyone to understand and of course no one to "take sides", there are no sides to take. Whether it's BPD or not, she's abusive and I'm stopping the abuse. I won't tell anyone she's abusive. I will just change the subject or if pushed I will say "You know what, I'm not sure, we are both very busy, like everyone! How about you, how's your family?" Change of subject. And if I'm contacted by a relative who says "Oh, she told me you're not in contact." I will say "Relationships can be complicated, let's talk about something else. How was your trip to Cuba?"

I really thought the behaviors would go away with age but I was wrong. I now have to decide how to live my best life, free of unnecessary conflict, judgement or negativity. Everyone's ok, I'm ok.

I'm not sure if the Coronavirus outbreak triggered her most recent bouts of rage. That's not for me to figure out. I want to imagine her rage as a gift that I don't need to unwrap, and that doesn't belong to me.

I hate to talk to my friends about this because everyone has ideals about siblings and sibling relationships. I do have two friends with suspected BPD sisters so sometimes I'll reach out to them. I'd love the support of others in this forum as I navigate the next few months, which will likely be very bumpy as I head towards a peaceful existence.

Thank you for listening!

[Serenityandlove]

Hi Everyone,

This is my first time posting here. I'm almost forty now and am reaching a point where I really need for the abuse to stop once and for all. I can't be sure if my sister has BPD, she's never seen a therapist in her life as far as I know of, everyone else is the problem.

For several years after she got married I stopped being the focus of her rage although she did still wreak havoc on my self-esteem at any chance. If for example, I shared my work with her I was "insecure and needing her approval"; if on the other hand she shared her work with me I would praise it and congratulate her. That's the least of it. On a bad day, she gets vulgar and attacks my core self-esteem, accusing me of being a terrible person and I won't go into details yet, but very cutting things that are meant to linger with me for years.

I recently joined TalkSpace.com and my amazing therapist is helping me navigate this next chapter of my life. I simply can't go on like this anymore, I need boundaries and I need to stop loosening them when things are better. It really disappoints me how much control she's had over my self-esteem and self-worth over my life. I'm about to start my own family and want to surround myself with peace and love and good energy, there's just no space for her nastiness in my life anymore.

Recently after a particularly nasty text where she ended it by warning me not to respond (typical), I just blocked her. In the moment I felt like I was cutting off an abuser. I was then filled with fear of the next smear campaign. She will get to me by whatever means. I imagine letters to my husband or aunts and uncles. I will deal with that then by kindly asking them not to get involved. I maintain to everyone around me that I wish her the best. We are siblings, but we are not an entity or a "unit", we have no obligations to each other. I don't engage in conversations about how to "fix it". I will quickly change the subject when asked about my sister. I will speak here or with my therapist to go into details and strategies. I can't expect anyone to understand and of course no one to "take sides", there are no sides to take. Whether it's BPD or not, she's abusive and I'm stopping the abuse. I won't tell anyone she's abusive. I will just change the subject or if pushed I will say "You know what, I'm not sure, we are both very busy, like everyone! How about you, how's your family?" Change of subject. And if I'm contacted by a relative who says "Oh, she told me you're not in contact." I will say "Relationships can be complicated, let's talk about something else. How was your trip to Cuba?"

I really thought the behaviors would go away with age but I was wrong. I now have to decide how to live my best life, free of unnecessary conflict, judgement or negativity. Everyone's ok, I'm ok.

I'm not sure if the Coronavirus outbreak triggered her most recent bouts of rage. That's not for me to figure out. I want to imagine her rage as a gift that I don't need to unwrap, and that doesn't belong to me.

I hate to talk to my friends about this because everyone has ideals about siblings and sibling relationships. I do have two friends with suspected BPD sisters so sometimes I'll reach out to them. I'd love the support of others in this forum as I navigate the next few months, which will likely be very bumpy as I head towards a peaceful existence.

Thank you for listening!

[Methuen]

Hi Serenityandlove

I'm 57 and joined this forum last summer.  It's nice to meet you!  I'm sorry you've experienced the angst that comes with a relationship with a pwBPD.  I applaud you for reaching the point where you have decided to move forward in your own life with peace, joy, and positive energy.   When I landed on this site, I was in full crisis mode, with nothing figured out.  So glad you also found a T that you click with.  I have one too.  It's such an important support.

If for example, I shared my work with her I was "insecure and needing her approval"; if on the other hand she shared her work with me I would praise it and congratulate her. That's the least of it. On a bad day, she gets vulgar and attacks my core self-esteem, accusing me of being a terrible person and I won't go into details yet, but very cutting things that are meant to linger with me for years.

Yes.  On this site, you have a wide web of people who can relate to this behavior.  Your sister and my mother sound like the same person in this respect.

I imagine letters to my husband or aunts and uncles. I will deal with that then by kindly asking them not to get involved. I maintain to everyone around me that I wish her the best... I don't engage in conversations about how to "fix it"... I will speak here or with my therapist to go into details and strategies. I can't expect anyone to understand and of course no one to "take sides", there are no sides to take... I won't tell anyone she's abusive. I will just change the subject or if pushed I will say "You know what, I'm not sure, we are both very busy, like everyone! How about you, how's your family?" Change of subject. And if I'm contacted by a relative who says "Oh, she told me you're not in contact." I will say "Relationships can be complicated, let's talk about something else. How was your trip to Cuba?"

Validating all this!

Clearly you've already done a ton a work, and already figured out your strategies.  It's a great plan so far.

I now have to decide how to live my best life, free of unnecessary conflict, judgement or negativity. Everyone's ok, I'm ok.

Yes again. Easier said than done. There'll be hills and valleys as you know, but you are clearly a reflective and determined person.  I am so much healthier with all the strategies I now use (such as boundaries) with my mom, so I wish to encourage you that it sounds like you are on a good path forward already!  It does get better.

I want to imagine her rage as a gift that I don't need to unwrap, and that doesn't belong to me.

Holy.  That's a powerful visual.  Sounds like a line that comes out of therapy - but I haven't heard that one from my T.  I may share it with her once Covid is behind us all.  

I hate to talk to my friends about this because everyone has ideals about siblings and sibling relationships. I do have two friends with suspected BPD sisters so sometimes I'll reach out to them. I'd love the support of others in this forum as I navigate the next few months, which will likely be very bumpy as I head towards a peaceful existence.

We're always here.  24/7.  We're in this together.  Welcome to the forum!

[JNChell]

Hi Serenityandlove. I’d like to join Methuen in welcoming you to the community. This is a very safe place to talk about abuse, manipulation and the consequences that result.

I’m 43 and found this place a couple years ago while coming out of a very troubled relationship with my son’s mom.

BPD or not, you’re experiencing abusive behavior from your sister. She sounds like a master at projection. It’s more than ok to protect yourself, and you should. You’re starting a family, and it doesn’t sound like your sister will fit in to the peaceful environment that a family should be.

Behaviors don’t always go away with age. Personalities are a big part of the makeup of who a person is. It can change with self awareness and a lot of work, but it sounds like your sis is pretty set in her ways. Do you think that she is, or do you see her changing?