Grieving and learning

[Time for tea]

Dear all,

Hello... again! I was in a relationship with a man I believe had BPD several years ago and this forum was a God-send to me when I was learning more about the disorder so thank you for keeping it going. It's an amazing service you provide.

I'm back now with a rather different BPD story, looking for some hope and advice.

It's been ten years... but recently a man I knew from my church youth group years ago got in touch with me after my years not being in contact. I'd had a crush on him then, he found me on Twitter and made it clear that he was romantically interested in me. I was flattered by the attention and we got on very well when we met up but the more I got to know him the more it emerged that he had a lot of painful history (broken marriages, and a separation from his current wife which was still recent). I found myself conflicted, wanting to respond to his romantic overtures because his conversation lit a spark in me but also feeling uncomfortable about it on a gut level because he was still healing from past relationships and still in a marriage with his separated wife.

We met again (he lives in a different part of England to me) and I told him I didn't date married men... but the correspondence continued. Then he started contacting me non-directly - a lot of sub-tweets designed to get my attention. He even set up an anonymous poetry account with poems about me. I ignored this, thinking it was all a bit manipulative, but not wanting to confront him about it as I was aware that he was emotionally very vulnerable. And at that point I still had a fantasy that if I could just steer the correspondence into a healthier kind of friendship we might grow together in a few years' time and have a chance at a relationship.

You may think this is weird given my previous experience, but I've only just realised that it's more than likely he has BPD. There had been tensions in our relationship and my resilience and kindness had fractured a bit - I'd got frustrated at him for directing a lot of interest at another girl on Twitter (at the time I felt that it indicated a flaw in his character that he could drop his grand feelings for me so suddenly) and though I didn't tell him that directly I think he sensed I was angry with him; I was also getting annoyed with him for not responding to direct messages asking how he was, only engaging with my public content or sending romantic messages in subtweets or anonymous poetry... I'd so much rather talk to him directly than indirectly - it just feels more healthy and honest.

Then a few things I said must have triggered him and it was horrible - he started subtweeting things that were terribly spiteful and at once the scales fell from my eyes. I stopped being angry at him for any of his maddening behaviour previously. My heart just broke for him - I'd seen something of the depth of his pain now and could guess a bit more at the reason for it as well. Some of the anonymous poetry on the topic of me abandoning him made a lot of sense in a way it hadn't before, and I ached to think of the pain he was experiencing - I saw how hurt he must have felt by my withdrawing at times (in an attempt not to get drawn into a romantic liaison with him while never being quite able to pull away either... which he must have found maddening) I thought I was setting healthy boundaries where he couldn't - and I did need boundaries for my sake - but the feelings of rejection it must have sparked in him must have made him feel so terrified and alone at times, I now saw some of the more manipulative poetry in a new light. A cry for help.

Nothing he can say in his rage can really hurt me at the moment because I can see where it's coming from. I know it's just projection and a distorted version of me he's spitting feathers at and am at a very safe distance physically - I'm just so sad to have triggered all this anger and pain. In the last couple of years he's been drinking a lot and far too much as a reaction to the pain building, I think, and I feel so sad to have been another person who has let him down. I think the reason he tried for so long to get my attention romantically was that he sensed I had a lot of compassion for him despite the wretchedness of his situation and also perhaps subconsciously he was hoping I could compensate him for emotional deficits/difficulties with his Mum.

I feel in my heart that I don't have the capacity to be his SO but I so want to be his friend and a stable person to him - my heart hurts for his pain so much, and it's a deeper grief because I've known him since we were teenagers (I never suspected he had BPD then as he never showed many/any signs of it - it may even have developed at a later stage). So far the worst of the rage came at me yesterday (still indirectly in malevolent subtweets). Since then I've stepped away from posting anything at all on the platform, wondering what to do next, while he's been on it a lot though that may not be because he wants to connect with me again... I desperately want to make our relationship better but I know any communication I have with him now could easily be misread and just make the situation worse.

What do you all think I should do?

I honestly don't know whether to:

(1) stay silent forever and hope he interacts with me again of his own accord;
(2) stay silent for a while and then write to him;
(3) stay silent for a while and then to get in contact with him casually and act like it never happened; or
(4) try and write something that might help to reassure and/or calm him.

I've drafted a note, but I haven't sent it yet. This is what I've been longing to do in my mind to put things it right but I know it may be more about my remorse at having triggered his anxieties and also my desire to have a good relationship with him again than what will really be the best thing for him right now.

Here it is:


M---

I can imagine my behaviour towards you might have felt like I was rejecting you recently - I'm so sorry.

I am much better at communicating with people directly than indirectly, and didn't always pick up on what you were trying to say.

You matter to me.

Your friendship matters to me.

I would never want to hurt you.

It must have been incredibly painful for you when I didn't respond sometimes. 

Please forgive me for upsetting you if I upset you in any way.

X


What do you think? Should I send it or should I leave it?

It's all so sad, isn't it?

Thank you for listening.

Time for Tea

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[alittleawkward]

Hiya Time for Tea, a predicament you most certainly have here.

I really hate social media sometimes, especially when it's used to indirect people. A phrase that is commonly thrown around in my experience regarding icy indirect tweets is 'if the shoe fits...'. Social media being used indirectly is a very manipulative and quite frankly horrible, low thing to do when done negatively, no matter who it's about. It's particularly tricky if you can't tell what they're upset about, and the authors have the defence mechanism of saying it is about a totally different subject than what you might expect because there is no definitive information in it aside from emotion. But also it triggers paranoia for the same reason, it could be about something totally different to what you may expect and it's their way of venting without hurting anyone. Tricky!

My first comment would be to analyse the tweets and make sure that you're not assuming anything. Assumptions cause all sorts of chaos in BPD situations, social media, and to be honest, any sort of situation where things aren't absolute facts. It's easy to get carried away in your emotions when reading into someone else's, and it's a horrible trap to be caught in.

It's good you talk about already being emotionally detached from the situation to an extent, as I'm sure you know in terms of emotional fallout this will definitely help you keep things to a minimum whatever happens.

A tricky thing with BPDs is they will often push you away no matter how you behave. They will push you away to stop you from doing the same back to them. Their fear of abandonment can become so intense that they force you to do the very thing they are terrified of you doing.

In my own experience, reassuring in the past has lead to mixed messages being received by the BPD person, leading to a torrent of chaos, causing far greater harm than good. Statements like 'you matter to me' can be interpreted as 'please start a relationship with me' through black & white thinking, but also I totally understand, because a lack of communication at this time would cause them to truly feel abandoned. As noble and well-meant as your message may be, it could cause an awful lot of trouble.

No one can truly tell you what to do as you are the only one in the position you are with the context and full knowledge of the situation, however having said that; time and precaution have always worked in favour for me when approaching interactions with people with BPD. If I were you, for now I would set myself a time period to leave the situation alone, and a time where I would reassess what my next course of action might be. Whether thats 2 days, 2 weeks, or 2 months could be up to you if you chose to do that, but it allows dust to settle and the situation to breathe before more fuel is added to a fire. Apologies if I'm reiterating or repeating stuff you already know and have experience in. I hope you find your resolution!

[Time for tea]

Thanks so much for the advice, alittleawkward. It's good to get another perspective from someone familiar with BPD dynamics.

I'm 99% sure that a good proportion of the indirect messages are aimed at me - too many coincidences otherwise - but you're right that it's wise to be cautious and the use of indirection radically increases the capacity for misunderstanding, reading in our own fears, overthinking, etc.

It does feel like a trap. Until quite recently, the messages were more positive than negative but still potentially manipulative either way. I know it's all borne out of his pain though.

You're probably right about holding back on messaging him, hard as it is right now. I have to fight against my own inclination to try and fix the situation and "save" him, which got me into such trouble in my last relationship. I can pray though and I know it is possible for things to get better for him.

I feel particularly sad that I in some ways encouraged him in the idea we could have a romantic relationship simply through being conflicted and inconsistent in my own messaging earlier in our correspondence. This was before I came to believe he had an undiagnosed PD; knowing that this is likely to be the reason for his behaviour has changed the whole situation for me overnight.

Thank you for your wisdom.