Losing my mind

[Carguy]

Hey everyone. I'm really struggling today. Honestly I feel like I'm losing my mind. I haven't slept through the night in months (since all this happened with my ex bpd), my anxiety has been all over the place, my depression up and down, and I have times of hopelessness.

There are times I feel like I became a horrible person in our relationship. Someone I didn't want to be. In the last few months I have struggled with rumination of her and at times drove past her apartment complex wondering what she's up to. This is not the person I am rather who I became. Recently I have set a goal to not shop at Wal-Mart (where she works) and take a different route to work so I don't have to go by her apartment complex so I don't chance seeing her so I can give myself some space to try to heal and reset my mind.

Things are bad between us and I know she's doing a smear campaign to her friends. Honestly I have lost hope that she will come back and want to work on any kind of a relationship with me. It is one of the hardest things for me to accept and it seams almost unreal. My heart is a mess because of it all.

We dated in 2005 for a few months, parted and was friends for all these years, then came back together for the last four years. Apart from my marriage this was the longest and deepest relationship I've had and we almost married on several occasions. Now it's my worst nightmare. She is cold and pretends I'm not there if I see her in public. It hurts deeply.

At this point I feel lost. I'm trying to take care of me and work on me but I struggle with constant thoughts of her and sadness feeling like I probably won't hear from her again.

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[juju2]

Carguy.

This will pass.

What I see is my imagination is my worst enemy.

If not driving by certain places would help in any way, anything I can think of to help me, does help.

So I turn off the texting app so I won't be tempted to text.  That is my downfall.

I go for small victories.

If I can be happy with how I cleaned the room. Just something that I did well.  I try to go out of my way to tell myself good things...
And then also I give myself something I enjoy.

I read where if I can write down 10 things I enjoy, it helps me to find that list and maybe do one of them...

I really like good mystery movies.
So I treat myself and rent one and watch it.

Things I can look forward to.

It will get better.

[Carguy]

Thanks for the encouraging words Juju. This has been the most painful relationship I've been in. I still have feelings for her even with the hurt I've felt and continue to feel. Part of me wants to reach out to her but from recent past experiences I know I can't.

I'm just trying to hold it together at the moment and get back into things I enjoy. I struggle with having interest in those things right now and I know it's from my emotional state. I have to keep trying for me though.

Maybe I'm wrong and I'll hear from her again someday but for now I struggle on.