I’m pretty torn up about the final email I sent her

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

And I’m not entirely sure why I’m so torn up. I could never go back anyway. Nor would I want to ever talk to her for fear of charm. 8 month relationship, ended up being long-distance.

In brief, I could already see the relationship in the devaluing death throes after her discarding and charming 3 times within 3 weeks, saying “you didn’t delete your pics of exes from fb, you didn’t tell enough about your exes, you didn’t show me your music you made” etc etc. I asked her in the past if I should do all this and she declined. Saying it was equivalent to her other ex cheating on her and the trust in the relationship was dead.

I refused her offer to be friends, because she was clearly going to just use me like her other exes she did this to. This caused her to burst into tears at the idea she would not see me again. She begged me not to go, said we could be romantic again, but I left anyway. She was going to do it soon anyway. I’ve read 100s of other people’s stories at this point.

She’s undiagnosed and a little resistant to getting therapy. Recently I had been learning about BPD, saw the writing on the wall and took it as a sign to get out. For 3 days after I thought “why didn’t I use my final contact to inform her about her condition? why didn’t I tell her to get therapy? ahhhhh”. It drove me mad.

After these 3 days she emailed me asking some questions probably meant to charm me  like “hey I know you don’t want contact. Do you want me to send your old clothes (literally only 1 t-shirt and some underwear) and our vacation pictures I conveniently didn’t send?”

It took me 1 day to reply. I basically unloaded everything on her. First “don’t worry about that stuff, do what you think is best. Then I said “I’m co-dependent” and everything that entails. Saying that I keep attracting mentally unwell women and I’m getting therapy to figure out why.
I explained my thought process. “Maybe if I just love her enough, things will return to the way things were. Then I’ll know I’m loveable”.

Then I said she had borderline. I described her own patterns to her, basically told her how she processes things herself. “You test others because you’re scared they’ll leave with your emotional problems”.

“You run away to escape the feelings of cruelty and suffocation, and then return because you find it difficult to be satisfied alone. Push and pull. Again and again”” “You continue testing until even the strongest man would break. Even your ex who you didn’t fight with, you left. This behaviour will cause you to always be alone”.

“Get an official diagnosis. Get DBT. You deserve to be very happy in your future relationships, I mean it. There is hope.

Honestly, did I do the right thing? I have no idea.
Probably not, it’s not as if I lit a fire under her ass to get motivated and have a reality paradigm shift after her favourite person abandoned her.
I saw someone write “they judge you based on your last encounter” and it triggered me, thinking “what have I done”. Telling another person, especially borderline, what their own thoughts and emotions are? What was I thinking? But then I thought “what have I done” when I didn’t send the message as well.


Maybe she understood my intentions and I planted the seed in her head.
Maybe I convinced her that her favourite person hates her and he thinks she’ll die alone and is now drinking herself to death.
Maybe she projected her shame outwards and split me black and forgot every good moment of our relationship.
Maybe she’s already with some other dude.
Maybe she sent me 20 emails (I haven’t checked, I redirected her email not appear in my main inbox).
Maybe she sent 0 to stonewall me.
Maybe none or all the above.

Why do I care? I don’t even know.
Secretly it’s because I miss the hell out of her, even after her abject selfishness. I want her to long for me, to regret how she behaved and have some self-awareness. I want her to change and come back being the old person who doesn’t blame me for everything, who can take on healthy constructive criticism, who isn’t subject to paranoid delusions about me cheating. Or at least expresses them in a benevolent way without murdering me with words. Did that person even exist?

What do I even want?

[InnerWindow]

And I’m not entirely sure why I’m so torn up. I could never go back anyway. Nor would I want to ever talk to her for fear of charm. 8 month relationship, ended up being long-distance.

In brief, I could already see the relationship in the devaluing death throes after her discarding and charming 3 times within 3 weeks, saying “you didn’t delete your pics of exes from fb, you didn’t tell enough about your exes, you didn’t show me your music you made” etc etc. I asked her in the past if I should do all this and she declined. Saying it was equivalent to her other ex cheating on her and the trust in the relationship was dead.

I refused her offer to be friends, because she was clearly going to just use me like her other exes she did this to. This caused her to burst into tears at the idea she would not see me again. She begged me not to go, said we could be romantic again, but I left anyway. She was going to do it soon anyway. I’ve read 100s of other people’s stories at this point.

She’s undiagnosed and a little resistant to getting therapy. Recently I had been learning about BPD, saw the writing on the wall and took it as a sign to get out. For 3 days after I thought “why didn’t I use my final contact to inform her about her condition? why didn’t I tell her to get therapy? ahhhhh”. It drove me mad.

After these 3 days she emailed me asking some questions probably meant to charm me  like “hey I know you don’t want contact. Do you want me to send your old clothes (literally only 1 t-shirt and some underwear) and our vacation pictures I conveniently didn’t send?”

It took me 1 day to reply. I basically unloaded everything on her. First “don’t worry about that stuff, do what you think is best. Then I said “I’m co-dependent” and everything that entails. Saying that I keep attracting mentally unwell women and I’m getting therapy to figure out why.
I explained my thought process. “Maybe if I just love her enough, things will return to the way things were. Then I’ll know I’m loveable”.

Then I said she had borderline. I described her own patterns to her, basically told her how she processes things herself. “You test others because you’re scared they’ll leave with your emotional problems”.

“You run away to escape the feelings of cruelty and suffocation, and then return because you find it difficult to be satisfied alone. Push and pull. Again and again”” “You continue testing until even the strongest man would break. Even your ex who you didn’t fight with, you left. This behaviour will cause you to always be alone”.

“Get an official diagnosis. Get DBT. You deserve to be very happy in your future relationships, I mean it. There is hope.

Honestly, did I do the right thing? I have no idea.
Probably not, it’s not as if I lit a fire under her ass to get motivated and have a reality paradigm shift after her favourite person abandoned her.
I saw someone write “they judge you based on your last encounter” and it triggered me, thinking “what have I done”. Telling another person, especially borderline, what their own thoughts and emotions are? What was I thinking? But then I thought “what have I done” when I didn’t send the message as well.


Maybe she understood my intentions and I planted the seed in her head.
Maybe I convinced her that her favourite person hates her and he thinks she’ll die alone and is now drinking herself to death.
Maybe she projected her shame outwards and split me black and forgot every good moment of our relationship.
Maybe she’s already with some other dude.
Maybe she sent me 20 emails (I haven’t checked, I redirected her email not appear in my main inbox).
Maybe she sent 0 to stonewall me.
Maybe none or all the above.

Why do I care? I don’t even know.
Secretly it’s because I miss the hell out of her, even after her abject selfishness. I want her to long for me, to regret how she behaved and have some self-awareness. I want her to change and come back being the old person who doesn’t blame me for everything, who can take on healthy constructive criticism, who isn’t subject to paranoid delusions about me cheating. Or at least expresses them in a benevolent way without murdering me with words. Did that person even exist?

What do I even want?

[Rev]

And I’m not entirely sure why I’m so torn up. I could never go back anyway. Nor would I want to ever talk to her for fear of charm. 8 month relationship, ended up being long-distance.

In brief, I could already see the relationship in the devaluing death throes after her discarding and charming 3 times within 3 weeks, saying “you didn’t delete your pics of exes from fb, you didn’t tell enough about your exes, you didn’t show me your music you made” etc etc. I asked her in the past if I should do all this and she declined. Saying it was equivalent to her other ex cheating on her and the trust in the relationship was dead.

I refused her offer to be friends, because she was clearly going to just use me like her other exes she did this to. This caused her to burst into tears at the idea she would not see me again. She begged me not to go, said we could be romantic again, but I left anyway. She was going to do it soon anyway. I’ve read 100s of other people’s stories at this point.

She’s undiagnosed and a little resistant to getting therapy. Recently I had been learning about BPD, saw the writing on the wall and took it as a sign to get out. For 3 days after I thought “why didn’t I use my final contact to inform her about her condition? why didn’t I tell her to get therapy? ahhhhh”. It drove me mad.

After these 3 days she emailed me asking some questions probably meant to charm me  like “hey I know you don’t want contact. Do you want me to send your old clothes (literally only 1 t-shirt and some underwear) and our vacation pictures I conveniently didn’t send?”

It took me 1 day to reply. I basically unloaded everything on her. First “don’t worry about that stuff, do what you think is best. Then I said “I’m co-dependent” and everything that entails. Saying that I keep attracting mentally unwell women and I’m getting therapy to figure out why.
I explained my thought process. “Maybe if I just love her enough, things will return to the way things were. Then I’ll know I’m loveable”.

Then I said she had borderline. I described her own patterns to her, basically told her how she processes things herself. “You test others because you’re scared they’ll leave with your emotional problems”.

“You run away to escape the feelings of cruelty and suffocation, and then return because you find it difficult to be satisfied alone. Push and pull. Again and again”” “You continue testing until even the strongest man would break. Even your ex who you didn’t fight with, you left. This behaviour will cause you to always be alone”.

“Get an official diagnosis. Get DBT. You deserve to be very happy in your future relationships, I mean it. There is hope.

Honestly, did I do the right thing? I have no idea.
Probably not, it’s not as if I lit a fire under her ass to get motivated and have a reality paradigm shift after her favourite person abandoned her.
I saw someone write “they judge you based on your last encounter” and it triggered me, thinking “what have I done”. Telling another person, especially borderline, what their own thoughts and emotions are? What was I thinking? But then I thought “what have I done” when I didn’t send the message as well.


Maybe she understood my intentions and I planted the seed in her head.
Maybe I convinced her that her favourite person hates her and he thinks she’ll die alone and is now drinking herself to death.
Maybe she projected her shame outwards and split me black and forgot every good moment of our relationship.
Maybe she’s already with some other dude.
Maybe she sent me 20 emails (I haven’t checked, I redirected her email not appear in my main inbox).
Maybe she sent 0 to stonewall me.
Maybe none or all the above.

Why do I care? I don’t even know.
Secretly it’s because I miss the hell out of her, even after her abject selfishness. I want her to long for me, to regret how she behaved and have some self-awareness. I want her to change and come back being the old person who doesn’t blame me for everything, who can take on healthy constructive criticism, who isn’t subject to paranoid delusions about me cheating. Or at least expresses them in a benevolent way without murdering me with words. Did that person even exist?

What do I even want?

Hi ... I just wanted to let you know that I've read this and to let you know that you sound just like the rest of us when we first write.

Welcome to a great place where you'll find great support to answer your questions.

If you could boil them down to the top three - what might they be?

What your best hopes for reaching out here?

AND - I'm sorry that this has happened to you. It's a more common problem than you might think. It's sad. And there's help.  You'll get to where you need to where you need to be.

Rev

[InnerWindow]

Hi ... I just wanted to let you know that I've read this and to let you know that you sound just like the rest of us when we first write.

Welcome to a great place where you'll find great support to answer your questions.

If you could boil them down to the top three - what might they be?

What your best hopes for reaching out here?

AND - I'm sorry that this has happened to you. It's a more common problem than you might think. It's sad. And there's help.  You'll get to where you need to where you need to be.

Rev

Thanks for the support Rev.

Sorry if I’m a bit incoherent, I’m a little shaken so I guess I’m gushing without thinking. Ideally I was looking to figure out how to process the situation because it’s new to me.

First, did I do the wrong thing in the long-term ending on a long email which could be interpreted poorly?
Secondly, does therapy make a difference or would I always be stuck with a volatile, unsympathetic woman forever?
Thirdly, does any of this matter now? Or is it just analysis paralysis caused by missing her from the trauma bonding?

I suppose my questions contradict themselves somewhat.

[Rev]

Thanks for the support Rev.

Sorry if I’m a bit incoherent, I’m a little shaken so I guess I’m gushing without thinking. Ideally I was looking to figure out how to process the situation because it’s new to me.

Totally normal. Being in a relationship with someone who is disordered will leave you ... well... disordered. I'm 11 months post separation, and I still get like this.  Understand that this is more of a longer hike than a sprint - even tho you'd really like to run like hell. (Small pun - humor helps)

First, did I do the wrong thing in the long-term ending on a long email which could be interpreted poorly?
 
There's no right or wrong answer in this - pwBPD can changer temperaments within hours and sometimes more than once per day. Mine did.  From here on in, within the limits of what is moral, you do what you need to do for yourself. Understand tho that there is no closure in the way that you and I understand it - because you are right - on one level the person you fell in love with does not exist in the way you thought she did.

Secondly, does therapy make a difference or would I always be stuck with a volatile, unsympathetic woman forever?

Therapy helps - but it's not the only thing. Depends on each situation. I did CBT because it helped me stay in my rational self. But I would also suggest that you develop a spiritual practice if you don't have one. I'm a person of faith, so I had a ready made community around me. Spirituality helps you get in touch with the inner core that she didn't touch - don't know if that makes sense. Also you have to give yourself time to develop new habits. No you will not be with an unsympathetic woman forever. Likely your B.S. meter is a little all over the place. With work tho you'll learn to set better boundaries. Don't beat yourself up over this. That she duped you is not really your fault. Except of course, now that you know this kind of person is out there, you've got to learn to protect yourself.

Thirdly, does any of this matter now? Or is it just analysis paralysis caused by missing her from the trauma bonding?  

Yes it matters - trauma bonding is a real thing and you will need to process it by whatever means works for you. That's what is so great about this place. It really is the place to start doing that with people who get it.

I suppose my questions contradict themselves somewhat.

NOPE. I asked the very same ones.  Want to ask more now?

REV

[once removed]

First, did I do the wrong thing in the long-term ending on a long email which could be interpreted poorly?

i think whats done is done.

if i told you it was the wrong thing, it would just make you feel worse.

breakups are hard. emotions are raw. most of us do things that we regret. i did hundreds of things i regretted, throughout the relationship. a part of detaching is letting those things go.

if you believe it was the wrong thing, learn from it. thats what we are all here to do...make different choices going forward.

Secondly, does therapy make a difference or would I always be stuck with a volatile, unsympathetic woman forever?

this doesnt have a simple answer.

if you are having doubts, if theres even a 5% chance of you going back to the relationship, post on the Bettering board; dont go back without a plan.