The Guilt is Intense- Mom w/ BPD

[starting2thrive]

This is my first post, so I'm going to try to sum up the story. It took me years of therapy to realize that my struggle has been shared by a lot of other people, and it's been a shock and comforting to know that I'm not the only one. I've been reading through this forum since reading "When your mom has bpd" and I finally decided to post.

I grew up tiptoeing around my mom and never realizing why. I learned she had diagnoses of bipolar disorder and depression when I was in elementary school, and would often come home to her crashed on the couch for months/walking home because she couldn't get up to pick me up from school/hearing fights/watching her break things and scream at us. When I was 14, my parents got a divorce and my mom immediately got remarried/had another kid. She acted wonderful, intelligent and warm around my friends, so they could never believe/understand that she was the opposite in private. In private, she would tell me she never loved me. My two sisters have had completely different experiences with her, and do not seem to see how she interacts with me. She manipulates them to get to me. She started telling me she wanted to commit suicide when I was in high school. After years of being put down, learning to respond to guilt, having my insecurities dragged out on display, etc. I stopped talking to/living with her for 2 years. She refused to allow me the space; sending letters, emails, texts, calling, etc. I once tried to talk to her about something minor and she almost ended up pushing me down a ladder. In senior year of high school my drug use/mental health reached a peak and I had to go to treatment. Because of their parenting plan, my mom became reinvolved without us ever sorting things out. We never addressed what happened or solved anything, although she continued to ask me to let her come to my therapy sessions or to find a therapist together. I didn't want to do this. My mom has never acknowledged any personality/mood disorders and jumps to defensiveness immediately. She has several diagnoses but refuses to take medications or seek out help.

This year (I'm 26 now), I cut off contact again. Things had gotten painful; the times I visited her she would verbally attack me from any angle she could. In August, I finally hung up on her after her yelling at me that I had a drinking problem (I actually had stomach ulcers caused by a medication and had reduced my drinking significantly at that time). It's been 8 months now, and she continues to push for contact. I give in about once per month- I've seen her a few times and had a few phone calls. When I go to see my baby sister, she looks through me as if I don't exist.

The thing is, I'm only answering the phone or seeing her out of pure guilt. There is nothing positive about our interactions, and they leave me feeling drained and anxious. I don't want her to threaten suicide or go through with it. I'm tired of hearing "you have to solve things because she's family".

Is there any way to tell someone with BPD that you can't talk to them/be around them? She's shown up at my work and house before (we live an hour and a half apart), so she's not great at boundaries. Living with this guilt is preventing me from reaching so many goals.

Any/all advice would be appreciated.

Thank you all.

[Kwamina]

Hi starting2thrive and welcome to BPDFamily

Dealing with a disordered parent can be very challenging indeed. This is something you've unfortunately been experiencing for many years now already.

I don't want her to threaten suicide or go through with it. I'm tired of hearing "you have to solve things because she's family".

Is threatening suicide something she has done before in the past or are you talking about a general concern you have considering the types of behaviors she exhibits?

Who exactly tells you that you have to solve things because she's family?

The thing is, I'm only answering the phone or seeing her out of pure guilt. There is nothing positive about our interactions, and they leave me feeling drained and anxious.
….
Living with this guilt is preventing me from reaching so many goals. 

Guilt is something many children of disordered parents struggle with. You might find the following article insightful about the concept of FOG (fear, obligation and guilt):

Fear, Obligation And Guilt: How We Allow Loved Ones To Control Us

Here's an excerpt:

...fear, obligation or guilt ("FOG") are the transactional dynamics at play between the controller and the person being controlled.  Understanding these dynamics are useful to anyone trying to extricate themselves from the controlling behavior by another person and deal with their own compulsions to do things that are uncomfortable, undesirable, burdensome, or self-sacrificing for others.

Do you feel like this description applies to what's going on between you and your mom?

Take care

The Board Parrot

[Methuen]

Hi starting2thrive

I like your name! 

This has been a difficult go for you.  I can hear that, but I can also hear how hard you are trying to work through it all and be the driver of your own life.

First I read this:

My mom has never acknowledged any personality/mood disorders and jumps to defensiveness immediately. She has several diagnoses but refuses to take medications or seek out help.

Then I read this:

I'm tired of hearing "you have to solve things because she's family".

Who's saying that to you?  Can you tell us more about that?

The thing is, I'm only answering the phone or seeing her out of pure guilt. There is nothing positive about our interactions, and they leave me feeling drained and anxious.

I think it is OK for you to avoid contact as long as you need to, because you are doing it to look after your own health and well being.  That is what is important here...is for you to look after you.

If you are getting nothing from the relationship (except stress and anxiety), then you could maybe think about saying something like "I need some time away to look after myself."  That is setting a boundary, and after that if she keeps emailing and texting you, you can block her if you think that would give you the space necessary to get feeling stronger.

What do you think?