dating someone with BPD

[Gauche]

I have been dating a woman who disclosed early on that she has been diagnosed with BPD, for past few months. She is beautiful inside and out; i ADORE her - honestly, i'm madly in love with her. Our "Good" days are wonderful- when we are connected it is the most beautiful relationship that i have ever been in.
But when she's "off" (often triggered by her emotionally manipulative ex-husband), i really struggle with not taking her down days personally. she detaches from me, and really gets down on our relationship, even though i think we are doing really well. She is slowly opening up to me and our relationship. I am, overall, very encouraged and pleased with our general progress.
But i really struggle not taking her bad days personally. i try to tell myself it's not me or us that she is down on, but sometimes I cannot successfully do that.
Any advice is greatly appreciated. I am committed to this relationship for good and bad. I want it to last - but I desperately need some effective coping advice.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

hi Gauche, and

i think that pretty well sums things up.

when things are great, theyre amazing. when things are bad, theyre a nightmare.

tell us more about the struggles...yours and hers. what happens when things are off?

[Ltahoe]

“Emotionally manipulative ex husband”

Red flag!

REF FLAG!

RED FLAG!


Are you sure? I got the same story. My BPDw had controlling, jealous, abusive ex BF. . These stories served multiple purposes, one she was a damsel in distress screwed over by her latest ex BF so she needed to be rescued. She has a reason not to be happy and someone to blame for her “off behavior”. Also  it was an unknown warning for me to never do anything that she could use and label me controlling or jealous. I’m pretty sure I’m the controlling, abusive, jealous husband now.

She’s already warned you but you don’t know it.  She’s going to gaslight you so bad that you’re emotionally manipulating her when she does crappy things to get you to back off and make you feel guilty for her behavior.

This is a huge problem do not ignore it.

[Gauche]

Once removed-
There is so much to unpack. She goes thru cycles of needing and wanting reassurance, but as soon as I attempt to express my feelings for her, she walls up. Any outward expression of strong positive feelings towards her (that I think she is asking for and I want to tell her) are taken as suffocating. Trying to balance a "committed" relationship without any true expressions of commitment. I feel like I am daily (hourly, all the time) having to choose each word and action perfectly. Trying to be positive and reassuring and "safe" without pushing her away. She doesn't feel good enough to be in a relationship, but doesn't want to be away from me.
I struggle with not always getting the emotional reciprocity and affirmation that i need.
We have conversations during the calm periods and she offers to be more vocal and give me more, but as soon as she has a blow up with her ex, or if I lose my cool at all, she reverts back to saying that she is not good enough/ healthy enough to be in a relationship. Our physical chemistry is off the charts wonderful and when we spend several days together, we are very comfortable around each other domestically. but as soon as we are apart and something arises, it's like we're hitting the reset button and losing all progress.

[Gauche]

Ltahoe-
yeah, that's crossed my mind. Early on she openly said that coming out of her long term marriage and all the jealousy/ possessiveness/accusations of infidelity, were a warning sign to me to not be like that. That she wanted freedom.
On face value, that's not a bad thing. Trust is essential, and I have no interest in ever questioning where she is or what she is doing.
She claims that she was never unfaithful to her ex in any way, but something must have been happening for him to be as jealous as he was (or what she claims he was). She likes to go out with friends (or did pre-COVID) concerts, bars etc and is very protective of her girl/ friend time. Which is fine with me.
But that coupled with her inability to be able to verbally communicate her feelings towards me and our relationship frankly make it tough for me to have the foundation of trust in who and what we are to then be fully comfortable giving her 100% blind faith and trust.
I definitely have taken all this to be warning sign that if i EVER make any suggestions of jealously/lack of trust or anything she construes as "possessive" that it's a deal breaker with her.

In a healthy relationship, that's a good thing. I don't ever want to feel jealous or insecure. I want to trust. But it's like she's unwilling or incapable of building the relationship to a point where i can be sure that i can always give that to her without fear of me ever slipping and saying or suggesting something that she might take the wrong way.

I'm not allowed to ever have doubt. which at times, makes me wonder if there really is another side to her and what she does (or wants to have the freedom to do) when she goes out and/or goes on concert trips with her GFs

[Gauche]

At the core, I really do believe she wants what we have and what i have to offer. She gets so sad/angry (at herself and/or her ex) whenever we have our bad days. She doesn't want to feel her doubts and insecurities.

It is like she is waging a war within herself between the part of her that wants in this relationship and to be in a normal "relationship. She likes the warmth and security and passion and feelings that i have to offer her. But then the other side of her creeps in - the insecurity, fear, doubt, part what doesn't want to be locked in. She battles in daily, and i never know which side is winning that day, or hour or minute.

I try to be reassuring and patient. The good is SO good. But I feel like the things I do to be reassuring make it worse, if I do not say or act perfectly.

[Gauche]

She had a huge blow up with her ex last night over child issues; apparently he went really low and dark in using things from her mental health past as ammo in the argument. every time this happens, she pulls away from me in fear that I will turn into him and treat her as he did/her.

but that makes things tough for me because even a civil disagreement (normal relationship management) is perceived by her as me targeting her. It makes it hard for me to bring up issues with her. I in turn internalize and try to manage it away. In most cases, I can adapt and adjust and move on, but in a couple of cases, I have let things build up and I did get frustrated and handled disagreements/arguments worse than i would like to.
I am trying to make myself better and be more patient and tender with her, but now it feels like I have been categorized with all the other men in her life. That i do not have ANY MARGIN to make a mistake or lose my temper or frustrations in the slightest. Else i will get the same tag.

I cannot imagine life without her. i would be devastated to say the least. I really love her. I want to be patient and be with her as she navigates out of her divorce and addressing her issues (she sees a therapist). But it feels like she doesn't want to give me or us the chance. 

Maybe tomorrow/ this weekend will be a better day.  So sad...

[once removed]

I feel like I am daily (hourly, all the time) having to choose each word and action perfectly.

i feel you on this.

cut yourself a little slack. its going to happen.

one member here put it a bit like this: think more in terms of long term fire prevention than running around putting out every fire.

you have a highly sensitive partner. youre going to say the wrong thing. if you are working toward building the core foundations of your relationship, saying the wrong thing will make for a bad night, rather than the end of your relationship.

im being a little bit facetious when i say that, but you love someone difficult who will make a mountain of a mole hill, and if youre in this relationship, you have to have realistic expectations that they will handle mountains and mole hills badly, but it doesnt have to be dooming.

one thing that jumps out at me:

she is struggling mightily over her breakup with her ex husband, and it is ongoing.

putting things in perspective, anyone would. there are so many things that a divorce triggers. there is a significant loss to grieve. there are, quite frequently, deep feelings of failure. often, there is shame.

you love someone with a particular worldview, with a particular view of herself, and who is prone to low self esteem and castastrophizing things. these things will be in overdrive for her, coming out of a divorce.

she almost certainly has doubts about you. doubts about herself. doubts about the relationship and its ending, why it ended. regrets.

part of that is not your battle, but something you really need to understand you are contending with nonetheless.

dont get in a competition you didnt sign up for as if to prove to her you arent her ex. be you (with tools). give her the space to grieve things and work through her battle.